The Mad Happenings of a Glass Princess

Comfort Zone

2012-01-18T19:55:00.003-06:00

What is this picture?!
This is a pictorial representation of my comfort zone, 18 inches x 18 inches.
Nicole is a creature of habit--I will eat the same thing in a restaurant, I will 'cook' the same thing in my house, I will do the same routine in the morning, I walk the same route every time with Brody, etc. When something gets thrown in that doesn't belong, sometimes I'm not quick to react or it just throws me completely off and I have a hard time getting back in my little square.
In some aspects of life, I'm reaching a big toe out of the box, sometimes even the whole foot! for example: I finally got fed up at work and made some changes, I stood up for myself and I ran away to another group. lol. Actually, I'm just doing a rotation, but I'm learning new stuff and I'm gaining confidence.
I also branched out in the gym. I was always afraid that I would make a fool out of myself or that I wasn't fit enough to be working out to be fit (crazy Nicole logic), but finally I said "screw that, I need to shrink my tush" and I go and work out now and if anyone wants to watch me go right ahead, I really don't care.
Another area I pushed my boundaries was with Internet dating. I definitely don't want to rehash all that craziness, but just to mention that it took a lot for me to try and do that.

If you stand back and look at these few examples they all happened because I was at some breaking point. I guess that is how the universe works--for every force, there is an equal and opposite force.
So what is my next adventure!? Heaven help me it is speed dating. It was recommended by a few different people, but I always shot it down immediately because I couldn't imagine putting myself in front of someone and having them judge me in 5 to 7 minutes, it goes against every fiber of my being and just the thought could send me running for the potato chips. However, a force came by and is pushing me again, causing me to react. The internet dating was part of it, the sheer volume of idiots and crotch shots is enough to cause anyone to run away, but it was also learning that I am someone special too. I finally figured out that I'm not such a bad catch--I'm successful, have a cool grumpy dog, damn funny, know the difference between your and you're, artistic, great friend, love to travel, I read, and I'm just an over all good person. Now all I have to do is sit down across from a guy, portray that chick I just described and let ME judge HIM for 5 to 7 minutes.
It is not going to be easy for me to do it, but I guess anything in life worth doing well is not easy, right? I'm very nervous, I'm scared that the old Nicole will pop up and I'll go running for the nearest exit (and knowing my luck, it will be an emergency one and I'll set off the alarm). I'm very comfortable around my friends and others that I know, but in a 'stranger' situation, I like being a wall flower, I don't 'work the room'--I wouldn't know how to work a room if you paid me. So, my goal for the next three weeks until this event happens is try to overcome this anxiety and have fun with this.
I'll keep you posted...

How About Them Apples

2012-01-16T19:31:00.002-06:00

I can remember it well... it was the 3rd birthday of Matteo's last January, there were cupcakes and pizza and chips and cookies and clementines! The clementines were for those who were trying to eat better, I was 'trying' at the time, so I thought I would grab one, I couldn't remember the last time I had one. It was heaven. I had found a new 'healthy' snack.
So began my obsession with clementines. I would buy two or three 5lb bags at a time, and they would not last in the house long. I would have a few after my eggs in the morning, a few after lunch, a few when I got home and a few for 'dessert'. I LOVED THEM.
And then it happened one day... I looked down at my hands and they looked like I had been playing in self-tanner, my feet looked similar. I was eating so many oranges that my hands, feet and even my elbows were turning an ugly shade of fake orange/yellow color. There is some chemical in them that if you eat it at an alarming rate (I passed that months ago at this point), your body can't flush it and it tints parts of your body. This was NOT a healthy snack.
I knew I needed a clementine intervention. I admitted to myself as I looked at my fake-tan hands that I need to quit the clem. Nicole knows no moderation on things she loves, I knew I had to go cold turkey. It was difficult at first, I craved the natural sugar, but it got better after a while. It also helped that they soon went out of season, I wasn't being faced with them at the grocery store every time I walked in. My fake-tan hands and feet turned back to normal after about six weeks; yes, it took that long to get all that chemical out of my system.

After some time, Jodie recommended I try apples, she was sick of me mourning the clementines.
Let the angels sing!! I found Gala apples!
Now I'm an apple freak and I'm proud to say it. Way better than the clementines, they last longer in my belly, and they satisfy the crunch factor I need. Nature rocks! I eat three apples a day--one as part of my breakfast, one as an afternoon snack and one as my dessert.
I have found the best place to get Gala apples at Tar.get, no lie. They are the freshest and the best price. I will go out of my way to go to Tar.get to get my apples.
However, I'm running into an issue... it seems that Gala apples are getting out of season, there are tons of other ones, but the selection of Galas is decreasing. In anticipation of walking into Tar.get and not seeing my apples, I bought one of each of the other kind this weekend and did a taste test. NOPE. Nothing compares to my Galas. So with that, I'm hoping not to have another fruit meltdown, please let them stay around long enough for apple season to come back and more are available, I don't even mind paying a bit more for them.
To add salt on the wound... you have to walk past the clementines to get to the small selection of apples.
Damn delicious fruit.

New Year, New Approach

2012-01-03T12:18:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday season.

So, I'm taking a new approach on things. I've been all over the map with trying to eat right, get on that weight losing train again, staying upbeat during a tough battle, dealing with happy and sad family emotions and finding out who I really am.
Its enough to make someone crazy--oh wait! I am. Just Joking (kinda)

Anyway, I want to blog again. And I'm not going to put down all the "boohoo, Nicole is sad crap", I'd done with that. There are many moments and many people who bring smiles to my face everyday, and I believe they define me more than those sad moments do. So I shall be sharing those things that fit the name of this blog better. I have a lot of stories to share and I hope these bring a smile to your face or make you think.

Let's start off with Fac.ebo.ok:
At first I wasn't all into it, I wasn't looking forward to putting it on my phone or anything like that, but things have changed. I absolutely LOVE reading FB at different times of the day. To see how my friends children are acting that day/watching them grow or reading how a friend almost got trampled by cows trying to do a daily walk or seeing the picture of a new tattoo celebrating a milestone or sharing thoughts about a TV show they finally watched or to see the new nail polish they put on. All fun stuff. It is interesting to see a glimpse in the daily lives of people I care about. Some would say "who cares" about the color of some one's nail polish; I care, therefore, I shall continue to read.

Life Book:
I was introduced to this item by two good friends of mine: http://www.erincondren.com/store/index.php?cPath=129_956
It is a "Life Book" and it is the perfect item to keep track of certain aspects of your life. I don't record birthdays, work meetings or personal appts in this book, I record items like: what time I ate and what went in my pie hole, my weight for the morning (heading south slowly), how I felt that day and how many steps I did (my goal is 11,000 daily). There are spots each week for goals and to do lists, and at the beginning of the month there is a few lined sheets for random notes you want to put down. I found myself writing little reminders to myself or a quote from a song I like and going back days or weeks later to re-read them. This book is also a great size, not too big where you question if you should throw it in your bag and not to small where it will get lost within the piles of junk lying have around.
So, if you ever wanted to keep a food log or health log or a diary, check this thing out, it might be for you.
Side note: the retail price on this thing is waaaaay high. I love it, but $50 is hard to swallow for a really cute notebook. Thru a series of specials, I got it for $18, and for that price, it is worth every penny. The specials were listed on http://www.plumdistrict.com/-- yeah, yeah, this is a site for 'mom's' but so what; they have good deals on things that keep mothers sane, why can't I capitalize on that as well?!

Dating:
I've talked about this before, so I'm not going to re-cap everything. What I do want to discuss is how I now know I'm not alone. A friend introduced me to this blog: http://melissanibbles.blogspot.com/. I snort loudly every time I read her stuff. She has super quick wit and pulls no punches; she also talks about her dating life and some of her stories are things I have encountered too, scary how some things are universal.
I was also talking to the niece of my sister's close friend (yeah, stop and think of that trail), she is single and trying to date as well (but she is 29 with legs that don't quit and jet black hair, not 38 with legs that stop way short and gray root touch up), we were comparing stories over wine. One topic that came up is the amount of "junk" pictures we get sent to us. Not "junk" as in fake rolex adds or how you have a dead relative in Africa sitting on a fortune, but "junk" as in a guy's lower region. We were both laughing so hard, I thought wine was going to come out of our noses at one point.
Here are some examples of the lines that accompany these pictures:
"this could be yours this weekend!"
"this is what you're missing out on" (when you decide to stop communicating with them)
"I was bored after work so I thought I would snap a few pictures"
"I showed you mine, now you show me yours"
Yes, for those of you who are married and have missed the whole digital age of courtship, this is what is out there now. How can you possibly want to go out with a guy and look him in the eye knowing what his "junk" looks like. And then, how do you know if it really is 'him'. Wow, there seem to be a LOT of guys walking around with a rather large amount of "junk" in their pants, they all beat what the average is suppose to be. The best part is 99.9% of the guys don't show their face, all you get is a close up of where their brains really are.
With all these wonderful pictures, along with emails offering to show me in person, I have decided to not Internet date anymore. It is no longer worth seeing the decline of humanity in my inbox, I would like to meet a gentleman, not a boy who is showing off.

I think I've been on my soapbox for long enough today, my feet are beginning to hurt.
I do plan on sharing more of my insights. Please feel free to comment, I would love to know what you're thinking too.

Smiles my friends!
Nicole

37 Down, ? To Go...

2011-09-16T23:18:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here on the eve of my 38th birthday with root color in my hair and a charcoal mask "pulling out all the dirt and oil" from my face; wow, I know how to live it up don't I!?!? LOL

I've been composing this blog in my head for a few days now and I finally want to get it written and explain where I've been for the last year (kinda).
First, I will say that the ease of Face.bo.ok as made it quick and simple to get a thought out there ASAP, no waiting to sit down with a blog to share it with friends, just whip out the phone, type it out quickly, post and done. I'm blaming FB for my lack of posting, how about them apples. lol

In all honesty, I've been doing a bunch of private blogging. Needing to get my thoughts down without the whole world seeing my inner demons. Has it helped? Eh, some days it has, others not so much. But no looking back, only towards the future, right?

So, I want to share what I have learned over this last year and layout some goals for the next.
The first thing I have learned is that laying out goals doesn't always work in my favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I contradicted myself, but shut it, its my blog and I can do what I want.
I can no longer say "I want to do X by Y", it always seems to be a formula for failure for me and then I get up set and then I don't want to try to do what I said I was going to because I already failed, blah, blah, blah... Nope not going to do it. But I have modified it to be "one day, one meal, one workout at a time". That is all the forward thinking I can do, no more, no less. So that is #1 on my list...

1) One Day, One Meal, One Workout at a time

The next big thing I learned this year is that you really do need friends. I have felt that I leaned on my friends more this year than past years combined. They were there to lend an ear, get mad with me, give me advice, extend a helping hand or just offer their unwavering support. For that I am grateful beyond what I can express via this blog or even to their face. I love you dearly.

2) Your friends are YOUR friends for a reason, they will always love and support you. PERIOD.

I have also learned that guilt, regret and shame are powerful emotions that can slowly eat away at you and ruin all that you have worked for. They can keep you up at night, they can make you second and third guess yourself, and I'm sure they have cause gray hair & additional wrinkles. Work through them and keep fighting, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting closer every day.

3) Nothing you can do about it now, keep fighting, move forward, learn.

This next lesson is one that I am just amazed about. I believe there are no quality, honest, and kind men left in this world (or at least in the greater Houston area). Part of my changed outlook after my surgery was to put myself out there, try to meet a guy. BAAWAAAHAAAA, so much easier said than done. I blame most of my problems with TV and 'chick flick' movies; you know what? F-U to all those shows that portray the last friend of the pact meeting a handsome man who wins over her friends with witty statements & charm and then sweeps her off of her feet and they live happily every after. F-U. Yeah, that does NOT happen. EVER.
I'm so conflicted on this one, do I completely give up, stop putting myself out there knowing that they aren't going to come knocking on my door OR do I keep kissing (and kicking) frogs to hopefully find 'my prince' one day, stay in the game. I do know this for sure, I do need a break, I am becoming jaded and that is the last thing I want. I don't want to be some bitter (fine, more bitter) chick then I already am.

4) Take a break from the guy search. Give yourself a rest from the Neanderthal men.

Let's change the subject to something more cheerful, shall we? The next lesson is... "I have talent". Everyone knows how much I love glass and how I love to learn new techniques & such, but this year has been a bit different for me. I was accepted into a local art gallery, which lead to an article being written about me, which will lead to who knows what. I will admit, I'm scared, but in that cool kinda way.

5) I have a talent and people appreciate my work

I have been growing my hair out since my surgery, I'll get it trimmed every 6 weeks or so, but for the most part, I've just let it go. I'm starting to really like it, I'm surprised that I do to tell you the truth. If I could survive the hottest summer on record for Houston with this long hair, there is no reason not to keep it.

6) When I want to chop all my hair off, don't let me, it will pass.

To be honest, I can't think of any more lessons to tell the 38 year old Nicole to follow. Maybe I'm getting old and just can't remember. lol. I do know this though, I wish I could tell that 22 year old Nicole a few things, or that 24 year old Nicole who just lost her mother, or 26 when she bought her first house, or 30 when she thought she was over the hill, or 34 when she cried that she STILL wasn't with someone, or that 36 year old Nicole who was being wheeled into surgery. So many things learned each day and so many more to come.

7) You rock!

I'm going to close this post with the top 3 of my "favorite" things I've had a guy email me or say to me. Get a laugh out of them, I am now (some not at the time).
Bonus lesson (learn 7, get one free)

8) It is their loss...

okay, top 3:
3) (after seeing a few additional pictures of me) "No thank you"
2) "I usually date cuter than you. If you'd like to come over and bleep, sure, but I wouldn't date you"
1) "You are wonderful, everything I've been looking for, I can see us together, blah, blah, blah, can you send me $3000?"

And there you guys go, my last year wrapped up into a nice blog posting. I hope it won't be until next year that I post again, I will try harder, but no promises...

The Blues

2010-08-29T23:13:00.008-05:00

Okay, so I had them this weekend--The Blues.

I swear my emotions are cyclical and I hate it. I even had a few moments of an ugly cry this afternoon hoping it would make me feel better; nope, it didn't. However, I was called out to a water balloon fight, so that was fun, I needed that. lol

Tomorrow is 5 months since my surgery and I'm stuck at 35 pounds. That is horrible! I feel like a failure, but I have to keep my head up, keep moving and remember that this is a TOOL!

"hey Nicole, you added a TOOL to you life, not a miracle"

"it is a TOOL for you to use, not a cure-all"

"it is not a license to eat anything you want, you still have to watch it, it is a TOOL"

"have you heard that it is a TOOL?"

Yes, these are the ramblings of the crazy Nicole.

But with these thoughts, one bright moment popped into my head... a moment I had on Friday.I was cleaning out my closet and I filled two over sized lawn bags with fat clothes!

While bagging things up, I came across two pair of jeans. I know I wore one pair of these jeans a week before my surgery... here I am modeling them...

sorry for the poor quality of pictures, I couldn't use the flash. But I think you see the point, look how far I HAVE come...

oh and these will be cut up in the very near future and then I shall hand over the squares to a more sewing talented person than I am and beg for help making them into a throw pillow cover.

I want to always know how far I've come! I'll post pics of the final product.

The Pants

2010-08-26T21:28:00.007-05:00

Okay, first let me apologize to my readers... you shall see in this post 1)my granny panties and 2)my gut sticking out of a pair of pants like sausage in a casing... there is a point to making you go blind.

Here are the pants...

I bought these pants probably 6 or 7 years ago... they are from Eddie Bauer, size 14 (which probably means a 12) and were on clearance when I bought them. One day I 'knew' I would wear them. I wish I had taken a picture of me trying to get them on before surgery, they would only have gotten a few inches past my knees once they started to hit the meat of my thighs. I can at least now get them over my thighs and butt up to my waist; buttoning them is another story.
I considered it a small victory that I can at least get them up and was quite shocked when they didn't stop at my hips. I even did a quick hip shake in celebration.
When i saw how far I could pull them on, I made a goal -- to wear these pants on my birthday at the D.MB concert!

I told my goal to Jodie tonight as we were driving to get our piggies done.
Nicole:"so, I have these pants...blah, blah, blah, 4 weeks from tomorrow until my birthday... blah, blah, blah"
Jodie: "Nicole, your b-day is in less than four weeks, it is almost the end of August"
Nicole: "Nah-uh, I counted" I pull out the ol' iphone
Nicole: "well son of a b*&^%. oh great, I'll never get these on in 3 weeks, 4 weeks was pushing it"
So I pout and call her a buzz kill. She reminds me that it was my fault for counting wrong and she was doing me a favor now instead of 2 weeks when I figured out I only had 1 week left"
YOU'RE STILL A BUZZ KILL JODIE! lol

So then I had to think what to do next. I'm changing my goal to ArtOberFest, I shall wear these pants at my booth at the festival. that is 7 weeks away (holy moly do I have tons of work to do) and that is a more reasonable goal.

so here is what the pants look like on me now...
(oh yeah, jodie, so I have more than a few inches to close on the pants... yeah, I was dreaming)

I think I'm going to take incremental pictures until I can close these suckers and walk around looking damn good!

Wish me luck!

So Much to Say...

2010-08-15T20:13:00.003-05:00

yes, Kelli, I know it has been a long time since I've posted--she seems to remind me every week that I've haven't updated my blog. And shame on me for not doing it either, there is so much to talk about...

So, we're about 4.5 months out from surgery, I'm hovering at about 35lbs lost, and 33.25 inches! The scale hasn't moved much, but my clothes are getting bigger. I think yoga is helping me add lean muscle which is helping me shrink, but not making the scale move much. I really do want to hit that 40lb mark before my birthday, it is driving me nuts.

So much has changed, and in this case, change is an awesome thing. I see myself so different than I ever have in my life. I feel strong, I act strong. I'm finally putting myself first for once and I like that feeling. My habits are changing also.

So i've been trying to meet some guys and date. Okay, dating should be fun, but its NOT. I'm tired of the emails/texts/first dates. Are all the good guys taken? Where I would have run for the hills with ice cream and carbs in hand and sulk that I'm not good enough for someone to love me, I'm doing the exact opposite. These guys are not good enough for ME. See-ya. I'm finally protecting myself and I'm realizing that I have worth--and it is an awesome feeling. I had a situation the other night where I was dismissed after he saw pictures of me, it hurt, I had a few tears, but then I threw on clothes and headed to yoga class. My life must go on and I'm loving this life that is growing each day.
I going to take a break from this guy finding thing for a while. I have a show I need to create pieces for and another 5lbs to work off. He is out there somewhere, I'll find him one day.

Yesterday was 13 years since my mom passed away. And even this I'm handling different. I miss her in a different way now. I know I'm light years away from being 'cured', but emotions and food don't have to be tied together. I just wish she could have learned that too. **sigh** I miss her so much.

On a happy note, I'm so looking forward to next month and going to Chicago. I was lucky enough to get tickets to the D.MB show at Wrig.ley field. Stacy, Kelli and i are going and we're going to have a blast! It is on the same day as my birthday and for once I'm so excited. I can't wait to get a really cool t-shirt that is NOT a uni-sex, boxy, standard concert tee, I want a cute girlie tee! I know, so silly, but it really is the little things that I find make me the happiest.
Oh! I found out that I do have hip bones, they were discovered during Yoga one night--shocking, I haven't felt them in forever!

Thanks for all the support my friends. I love you.

NSV: Non-Scale Victories

2010-06-28T21:36:00.002-05:00

tomorrow will be 13 weeks since my surgery. I'm down 33lbs and loving every second of it. I found a pretty good therapist that deals with eating issues, and it has helped just seeing her the few times that I have. It is definitely something I need to continue to do, just like getting my protein in (I've been having horrible carb cravings, uggg), vitamins and water. Every day is a new day.

So, the weight loss boards are full of folks having NSVs all the time. I've had a few in the form of clothes that I can now wear and bras/panties that I've had to throw away b/c they are too big, but tonight's NSV kinda made me giddy. I've been taking yoga at the gym and I love it. Every time I go I see improvement on my balance and my strength; it really is an amazing exercise. Well tonight, we were doing a new pose and she asked us to look in the mirror and double check our stance. I looked in the mirror and I saw one girl, I passed her up and kept looking for myself. I couldn't find 'me'. I was looking for a bigger girl, the girl that I saw the first time was ME!!! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror! I wanted to come out of the pose and do a small dance, but of course I didn't. I just stayed focused and did a mental happy dance. I just had to blog that tonight, I couldn't let that one get away.

This surgery is the best thing ever. I had a semi-freak out moment this weekend, but I pulled myself together after being helped through it. I'm far from being 'fixed'--whatever that is anyway. But I'm on my way to a healthier and happier Nicole. And that my friends, is what this journey is about.

Hugs!

The Big 3-0!!

2010-06-14T19:21:00.002-05:00

I want to drop a quick post before I go to Yoga this evening...

I hit the big 3-0 this morning! 30 pounds lost! I cannot believe it! And what I really can't believe is this high I have going. I'm so in awe how my life has changed in the 11 weeks since I had my surgery. I feel my confidence climb as my body shrinks. I feel so healthy, it truly is an amazing thing.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the advice that I've gotten from friends. My gosh am I a lucky person--I have some of the best people standing beside me in life! I honestly would not have gotten this far without the honest words that friends have been telling me over these last several months (the months before the surgery and since). And you know what? I in turn LOVE being there for my friends; just able to do small or large things for them. I enjoy the give and take that a friendship has--that is what makes life so good, the knowledge that you have people there for you and that you are there for them. I wish I could express better in words the feelings I have for you guys.

So, I mentioned Yoga. I need to do some kind of exercise and since I'm athletically challenged in the worst way, I figure Yoga would good for me. (and I won't hurt anyone else). I took my first class last week and thoroughly enjoyed it, a great instructor! I'm hoping tonight's class goes just as well, I loved the dull hurt I felt for the next two days.

I'm cutting it off here folks, I'll have to post about my 2 month followup with the surgeon. All went well btw, there are just details I want to share.

Namaste!

It has begun...

2010-06-01T21:14:00.005-05:00

Okay, the official freak-out has begun! I didn't think it would happen, and I thought I escaped it when it didn't happen at the ~3 week mark, but it was only delayed. I'm having the "i'm really losing weight and I can't figure out what to do next" freak out. This is one of the things I've been most afraid of. I know I'm riding the high of the honeymoon phase for weeks now, and in the back of my mind, I'm been afraid of when that high would end. I think my buzz has been wearing off for a few days now. It all started when Stacy told me she was proud of me. I love hearing those words, don't get me wrong, but after I hung up with her, I was trying to figure out what I did to make her proud? That I decided to get 80% of my stomach ripped out? How noble is that?! I'll be the first one to admit that I have not physically worked for these 26lbs. Oh, I've changed my eating habits, partly b/c I have too, but mostly b/c I wanted too, but it is not like I've gotten my tush up at 5am and worked for it. And every day I still struggle with my water intake--my gosh I hope that changes.

Then I freak out b/c I'm wearing just an XL and not a 1X or a 18W or whatever. Why this should freak me out, who knows, I'm a complicated person. And the topper was today... I got this picture...

WTF is that! holy fat rolls batman! At the point at which this pic was taken, I was down 19. UGGG, if I look THAT horrible after 19, what the hell did I look like before. ohmygosh did I want to scream when I saw that picture. When I got the email with it, I was excited to see what I looked like (when has THAT ever happened). Crushed and disgusted. I guess I'm not photographing as well as I thought I was looking/feeling. Sigh.

BUT! BUT! the only good thing about this freak-out is that I did NOT want to eat. Nope, never. Actually, the thought kinda made me sick. So you know what I did instead? I just sat on the couch in the quiet and thought. I thought about all the things that I'm grateful for and the things I have accomplished since getting out of the hospital 2 months ago.

Let me share with you some of my thoughts...

I've lost 26lbs.
I can buy clothes not in the 'women's' section
I'm sleeping better
I've not had an antacid in 2 months
I find myself smiling more
I put on a bathing suit and went to a water park. (I have NEVER done that in my adult life). I liked that I smiled so much at the water park that my face kinda hurt
I started a new bag to give to Good Will of clothes that don't fit anymore.
My blood pressure is normal
My sports bra isn't cutting into me (and it might not be holding the girls well enough either, might have to invest in a new one)
I love my red dress tattoo, I feel as if I'm living the meaning of it now
i had no desire to eat ice cream or potato chips b/c I was having a 'bad moment'
i love how my bedroom is turning out, i can't wait for the new headboard to arrive
I have some of the best friends that a person can be blessed with
I miss KBC (i know this isn't a good thing, but I'm grateful for them in my life)
I can't wait to meet all the new babies that are arriving soon (and hand them back)
Austin is a great 'friend' to Brody, I know he misses having a companion around
I bought awesome shoes this weekend, I can't wait to wear them.
I might actually enjoy the beach when I head to Florida for Kelli's soccer tourney
I like that some of my underwear is sagging in the butt and I need to 'retire' them
I started the Wii Fitness 30 day challenge and I did my first workout today
Thank goodness that an appt opened up for tomorrow afternoon for my new therapist, I couldn't wait another week and a half.
I feel lighter, in so many ways.

So there. I'm freaking out but I'm trying to cope in positive ways. I hope to gain a ton of knowledge about myself and ways to help me through this journey when I meet my new shrink tomorrow. As always, thanks for being there...

8 Week Stats

2010-05-25T11:48:00.002-05:00

Friends! Can you believe it has been 8 weeks since my surgery!? I still shake my head some days that I even had it at all let alone 8 weeks ago. Things are going very well, absolutely no complaints. I'm still fighting this ick that I have; I think it hit me pretty hard and, as pointed out to me, when I'm only getting 700-1000 calories a day, healing might take a little bit longer. I'm seeing the numbers dropping on my scale like I did the first week after surgery, it is a little bit of an eye opener and scares me a bit, I honestly don't want to lose too fast.

I see other changes in me other than the scale moving. I'm growing, i can feel it. I'm busting out of this self-imposed cocoon that has kept me safe and sheltered for so long. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of not taking chances, I'm tired of not holding my head up high & be proud of the things that I HAVE done and not just hold on to the things that I haven't done. I honestly want to go sing and dance in the streets (heaven help us all) and show that I'm so excited at this improved life I'm making for myself. So, come on out and cheer me on friends, I can use all the moral support I can get :-)

Okay, so here are the 8 week stats:
Total lbs lost: 25.2 pounds
Total inches lost: 21.5 inches

Some mini goals:
6 more pounds until I reach 31 pounds lost, this is the most I was ever able to lose before, I don't know why I hold on to this number, but I do. (Why do I do half the things I do?!) Not sure what I'm going to do at this goal, just might do a little dance. This will also be the 1/3 way mark thru my overall weight loss goal.

15 more pounds and i'll be past another major milestone, I think I'm finally going to take Sandy's advice and go to 8 Minute dating... heaven help me. I'm trying to psych myself up for this one, so I'm starting early by counting down the pounds.

oh! speaking of pyshc, I had to reschedule my appt for tomorrow (I was sick on Friday), so I'm looking forward to that.

That is pretty much it for now. My updated bedroom is taking shape, i'll add pictures as soon as it is put together. I have the curtains up so far and they are awesome--really changed the room, much brighter (as I was intending it to be).

Words...

2010-05-19T16:16:00.002-05:00

Jodie IM'd me these words today; they were taken off of another blog and I really like them. They ring so true and I just had to pounced all over them.

1. The one person that truly cares that you lost two pounds is the person looking at you in the mirror.
2. Tomorrow DOES exist, but try to make the most of today.
3. There is no right or wrong way to lose weight. Argue all you want.
4. Eating a bad meal does not make you a bad person
5. Eating a good meal does not make you a good person.
6. Losing weight does not make you sexy. Feeling good about yourself make you sexy.
7. Everyone is perfect.

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Night...

2010-05-18T20:26:00.002-05:00

7 weeks! Where has the time gone? I can't believe i'm out 7 weeks. I'm feeling really great; I'm really able to eat almost anything. I haven't tried lettuce yet, I don't know why it is making me so nervous. I guess I just need to dive into a salad and see what happens, huh?

So I got a 'bill' from the hospital while I was in Florida. The total from them, not including the guy who put me to sleep ($2500), the surgeon ($10,000) and all the lab work ($1000) was $29,143.75. That is a very nice new car! I'm sure that is not what the insurance company will pay, but still that is a lot of cash.

I was looking for something this morning and I came across a Tiffany's silver bracelet that I bought probably 4 or so years ago--it was one of those things that I would wear 'someday'. I was NEVER able to put it on b/c my hand was too fat (it is a bangle style). I put in on my hand to see how much further I could push it on and there it went--over my fat hand and onto my wrist! Once again, I couldn't jump around b/c I would have had a coughing fit, but I did do a small shake of my hips in happiness. I fit that dang thing on! After that little victory, it lead me to try a few more items on, I was able to put on some rings that I've haven't worn in ages. Amazing how small changes really do add up!

I'm already thinking that I want to do something fun for my birthday this year, not sure what though. I have some thoughts swirling in my head, I just don't know if they'd be possible. hummm...

Brody really is the best dog ever. He is a true companion and loyal through & through. I love that stinkin' beast.

Kate's kids crack me up. The other day chris was telling me how the kids are watching this cartoon that was popular when we were kids, and Sam (the middle one) says, "yeah, we watch it and we weren't even born in the 19s" took me a few seconds and than I busted out laughing.

Another Kate story... she was introducing me to her boys (I really only know Will) and she said I was "Auntie Nicole". The kids thought she was nuts. And then Kate comes out with "She was my sister from a former life, so that makes her your aunt! She is Auntie Nicole!" Made me smile, but I think it scared her kids. LOL

There are so many things I need to do around the house. Where do I begin?!

Okay, the drugs I just took are making me tired, I think I'm going to bed early. Hugs and Kisses everyone.

Reunited, Growing while Shrinking and Holding My Head Up High

2010-05-17T21:22:00.003-05:00

Odd title, I know... But there is so much to cover. I just didn't have the energy to blog last night, but with a fresh shot in my arse and antibiotics running thru my system, the excuse not to blog is void.
So, I get the ugly out of the way first. I'm sick. Last Monday on my way to Florida to work the Shuttle Launch, my allergies/sinuses were just not feeling well. Once I hit that nice Florida environment, they went into full hyper-mode. Tuesday night I was a snot waterfall (sorry, that is really the only way to describe it). I took TONS of meds to dry me up so 1) I didn't get kicked out of launch support 2) so I could enjoy my one time out of town that hasn't been Chicago in the last year. I REFUSED to let this get to me. I'll talk about my outlook later on that later...
So with the tons of meds and my still nasty stuff in me, it drained into my lungs at night and then was also forced in my ears during that awesome plane trip home. Nicole didn't feel too swift and crashed early, just to wake up with pencils being shoved in my ears and wheezing when the alarm went off. Let me tell you it rocks when you have an awesome Dr that knows you and fits you into their day, even when "she has nothing open"--double ear infection and upper respiratory infection--JOY! Oh and I got a yelling at for taking that many drugs with my tiny tummy and high blood pressure. I knew prolong use would hurt me--but a few days, nahhh. (Like my justification).

So, this story leads into the others ones...
Story 1a) When the ick started to come on, I, with all my will, forced me myself not to be sick. I don't want to be sickly, I wanted to jump into this trip with both feet and enjoy it, learn from it, and not carry snot rags around with me. The crew quarter staff and the crew themselves thought I probably was a horrible person, but I just did NOT want to talk, I was raspy and when I did start to talking more, things would leak. And blowing my nose probably was not the right call. I regret that, but my aloofness was necessary.
Story 1b) When I was called back in the Dr. office, Dr. D was standing at the counter finishing things up with another person. She saw me and double took at me and just shook her head.
After she determined that I was sick, she asked me about the surgery. I was giving her the 10 second review of the hospital stay--she did NOT like to hear how high my BP was during my stay. I was telling her how well I've been feeling, what pounds and inches I've lost, etc. Then she said "girl, you are a new person!!!"
I raised my eyebrows questioning her...
"did you see that I did a double take at you earlier?"
"yes"
"you carry yourself completely different, you walk with your head up high and are not hiding"
insert another Nicole look
"this is not how you usually walk in here--you are glowing, (for the record, the 2nd person in a week that has said that to me), you're sick, but you're not gloom and doom. Surgery works for you girl"
Insert a Nicole SMILE here.
She gave me all my drugs and I bounced all the way out of there, followed by a lung removing cough. Yeah, the cheering might have to wait.

When arriving in Florida, I didn't know what it was going to be like emotionally and physically (still adjusting to food). Driving by Space Camp threw hundreds of memories at me. Wow, what a life time ago that was. I was trying to remember that person I was then. The words kinda scared me: angry, lonely, happy, comfortable, frustrated, crushed, cared for, belly laughs, sleep deprived, poor, body uncomfortable, entitled, wanting acceptance, overlooked, livid, consolation prize.
All those college-aged angst that a girl who needed to be on happy pills feels. And I smiled as I said a small 'F-U' to that fake orbiter on the outside and was happy that I'm NOT that person anymore. Do I have the same thoughts sometimes, sure, but not the whole collection at the same time. And not in the fish bowl that was the counselor dorm.
There is so much more I want to explore within this area. Cause I feel myself changing and I LOVE it. I have a therapist appt on Friday, I'm very much looking forward to it.

Bed time is upon me and I going to end this post here, but I want to continue the topic later, this is not the end of it.

closing comments:
My scale and I reunited about 3 minutes after I arrived home Sunday night. I stripped down and jumped on it! I'm glad it had that time to think while I was gone, it return very reasonable numbers. :0) I just might have to keep it around.

The Ups and The Downs

2010-05-10T20:36:00.002-05:00

This past weekend really showed me what my life is about after surgery… I had downs (low, low, low) and I had highs (almost downright giddy).

I might only have 20% of my stomach, but still have 100% of my cravings. My self control was tested Saturday morning, and I lost. I gave in. There were donuts present and I had a bite—no biggie right, exactly. It was ~two hours later and I decided to have the remainder of the donut, that was wrong choice. I gave into my temptation and ate it up. Within 20 minutes I was sick, sick, sick and my guilt was off-scale high. Why did I eat that!? On top of being sick, I’m sure the act of me eating it will be used against me in the future by naysayers of my surgery choice and be talked about with others. I cannot dwell on that though, I need to learn from it and push forward, everyone makes mistakes.
That event has been a swift kick to get my tush in therapy and talk about whatever drives me to eat. Because that urge wasn’t removed with my stomach, that will never go away. I’m currently heading to Florida, but I’m going to try to make appts this week to have someone to talk to when I return. I need help and I’m not afraid to ask for it.
Saturday morning was ‘life’ and I need to learn to deal with these situations and make smart choices and not let the chocolate frosting talk me into bad things.

Several hours after hitting that low, I hit an incredible high. I never thought I, Nicole, would or could inspire someone. I was told by a friend while at a birthday party that after speaking to me at another b-day party, pre-surgery, that I inspired them to quit smoking and take control of their health (running, eating right). You could have pushed me over with a feather. Amazing how words can lift you so high and make you feel so good about yourself. I thought about that conversation all evening—that I could make a difference. F-U donut, next time we meet, hopefully I can ignore you.

On Sunday I wanted to hit a few stores to see if I could find some bras, pants and shirts. My wardrobe is starting to thin out (no pun intended) and I wanted to find some inexpensive items to tied me over. The first place I hit, I was able to fit into a 14/16 shirt – and I bought it – and I was between a 16 and an 18 in pants. Oh, did I mention that I started out as a solid 20W leaning towards a 22W in some things!? To know that I bought a 14/16 top put me over the moon. I then had to hit target to pick up a few items and I decided to hit the clothing section and see what they had. I quickly browsed thru the ‘womens’ section and went to the ‘regular’ section and found a few t-shirts I liked and a pair of pants. I took them to the dressing room and guess what! THEY ALL FIT ME! Items from the ‘regular’ section! I did a little dance in the dressing room and skipped the rest of the way thru the store b/c I was so dang thrilled. The second I left the store, I called a few friends just to rant over the success! It is the little things in life that are making me smile and I love it.

I’m sitting in the airport writing this blog out (and I’ll transfer it later) b/c I’m still on cloud nine and had to get it out. Why should I read a book or magazine waiting for my plane when I can share my highs and lows with you :-)

Oh, one last thing. This week my scale and I decided that we needed a break—it is best for both of us, we were becoming co-dependent. I think this time will really help us both reflect on the crappy numbers it has been displaying lately and I hope it gets its act together by the time I return. (okay, this really made me laugh as I typed it)

5 weeks out... and being a Family Dingleberry

2010-05-05T13:45:00.003-05:00

I don't think the 3 week stall is over yet. 7-10 days--whatever. I'm trying to grin through it and think of all the good things that have happened over the last 5 weeks.

Even though I want to concentrate on the good things, I also want to capture all that is going on, so for the record I'm going to add the following:
I've started to notice over the last week that my hunger is more noticeable, when it is time to eat, I better eat. My stomach growls with more gusto than in the past--maybe b/c is so small, it rumbles easier, however it is somewhat annoying. Dense protein is my friend and really helps to fill me up. The last few days I've been wicked tired, all my energy has been zapped from me, almost like when I returned from the hospital. I don't like it at all. Also, my carb cravings are out of control. I've been VERY careful about not eating too many carbs or sweets, but that is all my body wants and it stinks. Just leave me alone, go bother someone else, I don't want want to eat ice cream or potato chips (just the thought kinda gives me a stomach ache)--GO AWAY!
I can't help but to wonder if this is the body trying to fight all my changes and make me put all the stuff in it that it has always been used too. Kinda like "oh yeah, you mess with me, I'll mess with you" type of thing. Whatever it is, it is very annoying and I'm done with it. So, I'm just going to work and read and clean and watch tv and ignore my body cravings. So there (arms crossed)

So, I've decided I'm a family dingleberry.
Family Dingleberry definition: One who likes to hang out with families, somewhat interacts with them, but who doesn't want one of their own.
Yup, that is what I am. I love just to be around families. I know that seems odd, but honestly I truly love it! This weekend, I hung out with the Wayne Family. Had a blast! Went and watched Seth play soccer (reminded me of Brendan 6 years ago) and then after some shopping, we just hung out at the house. I just enjoyed having a family around me. Loved watching the kids and the way they adore Sandy and fist bumping Scott. It was nice to sit down to a family meal, I just loved the company.
There are nights where I just hang out at Jodie's too. They go about their business and I'll just sit on the couch and read or watch TV and just be apart of their household.
I also love evenings at my sister's house before the kids have to go back to school. They'll be doing their last minute homework assignments, Caitlyn getting ready for bed and the house 'just is'. And when I was in Chicago last time, we had a family dinner with the neighbors and I so enjoyed sitting around the dinner table just talking and then we watch some home movies. It was almost a hallmark commercial to me--the ones that make you sniffle some. Next week I'm headed to Florida to work launch support (SOOOOO EXCITED), and I'm even more excited to see the Henn and Spinale families. Most of my time there will be spent during the week, and I can't wait just to hang out at their houses and do my family voyeur thing. LOL. Just to be around great friends and their kids and 'just be'. I warned them already that I might just come over and hang out and I promised not to disturb their routines too much. And I just crack myself up over it b/c I have ZERO desire to have a family myself. Maybe a guy in the house, but the kids--nope, no thank you. I'll come over and hang out with my friend's kids, but that is as far as it goes.
Hi, my name is Nicole and I'm a Family Dingleberry.

4 Weeks Out

2010-04-27T12:33:00.004-05:00

Has it really been 4 weeks!? Dang time just zooms by.

In trying to make it through the 3 week stall, I did some research... In 2008, it took me 11 weeks to lose 19lbs. To be at 17.4 after 4 weeks should make me dang happy.
So there, I'm dang happy!

Inches

2010-04-25T21:32:00.004-05:00

**sigh** it is Sunday night and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow. I wish I could be excited about getting up and going. But I'm not here to complain about work; I can do that anytime.

I finally took measurements again. I have no idea why I've been afraid to take them. I guess in the back of my mind, I haven't really earned this weight loss--I haven't gotten my tush up to go to the gym at 530 like I've done in the past or counted points until I was blue in the face. Not that surgery was 'easy' by any means, the weight loss has just simply happened with no help on my part. I'm definitely in the throws of that 3 week stall, the scale has shown me gaining and losing the same pound for 5 days now. I know it will pass, I know it will pass, I know it will pass...
I've been feeling pretty good, while I was walking Brody the other night, I actually got the urge to run--when has that ever happened. LOL. I think I'm ready to start working out, I'm able to eat a little more (which means more calories, less being tired), but I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt myself. While taking measurements, I couldn't help notice the 'bat wings' I have under my arms--I really want to try to tone those bad boys up.
Okay, so the point of this post was to share some numbers... here we go:
Butt/hips: -3
Waist: -2
Boobs: -1.5
Neck: 0
L Arm: -3
R Arm: -1
L Thigh: -4
R Thigh: -2
L Calf: -.5
R Calf: 0

Total: -17 inches

I've lost almost of foot and half off of my body! How crazy is THAT!!! I still shake my head that I had the surgery, it seems so unreal (but awesome at the same time). **sigh** but this time its b/c I'm so happy.

3 Weeks Out

2010-04-22T11:55:00.005-05:00

Wow! I'm 3 weeks out. In the hospital I couldn't even think an hour forward, let alone 3 weeks. Things have been busy!
Let's see what's been going on...

I'm loving the complex mushies, I've started to introduce more 'solid' food into my diet, I can't go more than once a day on that, but I can see how it 'sticks' with you longer. I weigh myself everyday, which I know you shouldn't do, but I can't help it. So far I'm down 16--I'm thrilled with the number, but I know this next week is going to stink. I'm headed into the 3 week stall...

Everyone has warned me about the dreaded 3 week stall (the Surgeon, his assistant, the nutritionist and the folks on the WLS boards), the 3 week stall is where your body starts to store everything it can b/c it thinks you are really in a crisis and stops the weight loss all together, you can even gain during this time. This episode can last anywhere from 7-10 days; I knew it was coming, and I told myself that I wouldn't care, but I care! And I think I'm a tad bit bothered by reading the boards about folks that have the same date that I have +/- a few days and have lost 25+ lbs. But then I think that I really don't want to lose that much so fast, I like my steady loss. 16lbs in 3 weeks is nothing to sneeze at--WW could never give you those numbers. I also love the way clothes are fitting on me now, I can tell I'm somewhat gaining confidence every day.
Ran into Alexa at a meeting the other day, and just her words of encouragement got me through the rest of my day with a huge smile on my face -- amazing how small things go so far. Not that getting through my days have been rough, I just worry everyday about my numbers (protein and water). It is not like WW points, that if you go over, you just won't loose any weight, here these numbers keep me ALIVE and healthy. Everyday the count starts at zero and I worry if I'm going to make it. Some days I just can't drink or eat that much, there is just NO room. I never thought in a million years I would have to force myself to sit down and eat something. I find myself wanting to move more too; I hurt less and less each day. I'm taking full advantage of this glorious spring Houston has been blessed with this year and walking Brody everyday. I have also taken the opportunity to work on my front yard (see one of my New Year's resolutions)--even if a 4x2ft patch of ground took me 2+ hours yesterday, I'm still doing something. I'm fine if I'm doing one continuous thing, but the second I twist or bend over, I hurt. The last couple of nights working on the yard has worn me out--I have crashed hard.
However, last night kinda scared me... I woke up about 2am with the worst shooting pain down my left arm -- no lie, the first thing I thought of was if I was having a heart attack. I even got up to take an aspirin (which I'm not suppose to take on my new tummy), but I was THAT scared. I didn't sleep very well between worrying and it hurting so bad. I have an appt with the local favorite chiropractor after work, I'm really hope he can help me, it is still really hurting me.

I also should mention Chicago... what a great time I had and of course it was busy as usual. One of the highlights of my weekend was that it was so 'normal'. That I was able to enjoy the company of friends & family in a food setting and not be worried or embarrassed or anything like that--I survived it. It was the first time since surgery I have been in a setting outside of work or home and it was NO BIG DEAL! I loved every moment of knowing that I'm living a 'normal' life and not shrink away because of my decision. Man was it empowering--that I going to be 'okay'.

I truly am happy with everything that has been going on, and I'm thrilled that I'm getting along as well as I am (I was really scared in the hospital). I shall beat this 3 week stall & keep my head up and I shall continue to meet my daily numbers... all is good folks!

Stiches, Avacados and Brody

2010-04-11T20:54:00.004-05:00

All is going very well. I've said it about 100 times just this week, but the human body is an amazing machine. Everyday I feel better/stronger. I had my post-op appt on Thursday, got a clean bill of health from the surgeon. He was explaining to me more why the incision on my left side hurt so bad -- the 4 other sites had less than an 1/2 inch cut to fit a small instrument, the big on is about 1.5 inches and goes that whole length thru all layers of tissue, fat and muscle, so there is a bunch to heal. He also said the more I move the more it will hurt, but the more it hurts it means I'm healing. He then took my stitches out--I swear he was the devil at that moment and had no mercy. The first one hurt so bad, I wanted to swing up and kick him, the next two not so bad and then he hit my belly button one--I thought I was going to puke, it was all tangled up in there and it hurt so bad when he pulled on it. The last one felt like a kitten lick. But they were all out and I was happy.
He ended the appt with the green light to move up to more 'complex' mushies --basically I have to keep things kinda soupy, but I blend the crud out of soups/meals that have more ingredients (rice and chicken and beans and goodness), but they still have to be able to go thru a straw. yeah, kinda gross, but let me tell how you yummo it still is!!! And I was able to have an Avocado--an item sent directly from heaven to my plate. I have no idea why I was craving one so bad.
Saturday I woke up hungry for the first time. It was weird, I usually have to get moving and get my system warmed up before I can even thing of eating, but yesterday morning I was ready to go first thing. Just goes back to that amazing human body thing.
I can also get up out of chairs a million times faster than a few days ago, I can get up and out of bed with no trouble, wincing or saying bad things thru my teeth. I'm even able to take Brody for walks now. We've been going further and further day--don't want to get too ambitious and need a tow back to the house. LOL

Oh my BrodyDog, he is laying on the floor just snoring away. I was watching him this weekend, him following me and doing this or that--and I've noticed we are in the routine that we had pre-samson. Odd. He just has stepped up to be there for me when he knows I'm feeling crap, gives what he can and then lays down close enough for me to touch him. He knows he belongs to me and I belong to him--we really do have a cool relationship and there is nothing that could replace my Brody.

Well, I have an express ticket to dream land tonight. I'm not going to say I over did this weekend, but i did push the limits cause i REALLY needed to get out of the house and that I did! what a beautiful weekend.

Okay friends. Hug your animals if you have them, they love you!

Work

2010-04-07T21:41:00.004-05:00

So today was my 2nd day back to work... yesterday took everything out of me and than some. I came home, did a few things, fell asleep on the couch for 3 hours, was woken up by my sister calling, ate something, dragged my butt to bed and woke up at 930am this morning. I was not expecting my energy level to be that zapped. Today I can say went a whole lot better (of course it did, I slept in :-) ). Tomorrow I have a huge meeting in the morning and than my post op isn't until 430. Ugg, the traffic home is going to be horrible and I'm not looking fwd to it all.

I am, however, looking forward to that appt where I hope they remove my sutures. I took a picture of my gut tonight cause I want to remember what these things look like. I was going to post a picture, but for some reason, it just won't go into the blog correctly--maybe that is karma saying I shouldn't be posting such things for the world to see. Anyway, I will glad when those come out and I will be even MORE GLAD when they tell me I can move up a food level--mushies!!! Just dreaming about it-cottage cheese, really smashed up chicken, some soups--oh the joy!

I shall post my post-op happy words tomorrow. good night!

So, Was It Worth It?

2010-04-04T20:07:00.004-05:00

Those were some of the first words I heard from my sister after surgery. Before I answer it, let me tell you about the last few days...

I woke up on Tuesday morning just ready to be there and get going. Traffic on our way up was okay, i would get frustrated at certain major hwy merges and my dad needed to tell me that I was driving like a crazy person. We finally arrive at the hospital @845, not too bad since I had to be there at 9am. We 'check-in', (I swear it was like a hotel) and I get all my final paper work and I'm sent upstairs. Soon after we get to another waiting room, I'm called back. Now they really don't tell me what is going on, they just tell me to leave my bag with my dad, but if I want to bring my iPhone with me I can. They tell me to pee in this cup in that room and carry it over there and then wait. okay, sure, whatever. Then I'm ushered into another small room, where I'm handing a grocery sack, a paper gown, and socks. I looking at the guy, he is looking at me... some direction would be nice here. He finally tells me to take everything off, shove it in the bag and than go to curtain 2. Okay, I think I'm on the upper end (sometimes) of the intelligence scale--forming words and stringing them together to make sentences would really help both your day and mine! So I put this paper gown on, hold it closed so my butt isnt' showing, holding my iphone and my clothes in the other hand and trying to find curtain 2.

I now have arrived at my next location. They tell me that this is 'pre-op' and from here I'll be going on to surgery. I really didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to my dad. A kid that looks like he should be mowing the lawn comes over and tells me he'll be my 'aid' this morning. I ask him if i can put my headphones in while I wait and while they do everything so I can begin to relax. "sure, no problem". I'm rockin out to some Dave, trying to relax, taking deep breaths and I hear him talking. I pause the phone, take my headphones off--"whatcha listening too?" Really? I don't want to talk to you (that is the look and vibe I gave off (thanks Jodie for teaching me that one)). he gets my point and I go back to being a Dancing Nancie. And before I know it, a team descends on my little curtain 2 oasis like Storm Troupers and Dave was no more...
I was asked a zillion questions, asked to verify my name 100 times along with my date of birth, I had to sign here, here and here saying I might never walk out of this place, and 'hold, just a pinch here' stuck a dozen times. I was hooked up to monitors, IVs set, stockings put on my legs, glow stick on my finger, and a hair net on my head. The surgeon came in asked if I was ready and did I really know what was about to happen, I think I said 'yes', they ushered my dad in for one last goodbye and as they roll me down the hall, I hear "I love when we are ahead of schedule". What! Wait, I'm not ready! you said 11, it is only 10!!! I work for NASA, we never make our schedules! WAIT!!! "can you scoot over to this table Nicole?" "here, breathe this, all will be okay........

Holy mother !)*$%O%#@ what is that pain. Can I hear you? Yes i can hear you, get out of my face. Touch me again I'll kick you. Oh wait, if I move I hurt, if I breathe I hurt, if I blink I hurt. Please dear heaven, make this stop, make this all go away right now. Put me back to sleep, I changed my mind, I'll stop eating on my own, I'll be good, please just end this right now.
I hear my Dad gasp and I know I'm not looking too good at all. I'm in and out for the next who knows how long, but I can hear snippets of phone conversations telling people that I'm okay and I'm resting. Please stop this pain.

I don't remember exactly when I was fully aware of what was going on, that I was really in a hospital and that I had a tube in my who-ha and monitors over here and a IVs hanging there. I just was awake and feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I tried to move and every nerve ending in my mid-section screamed out and I just fell back on the bed wondering what in the world did I just do to myself. I signed up for this!?!?! I was shaking and hurt and scared and stupid and I just wanted to be home, reading a book on my phone with Brody at my feet.

Also at an unknown part of the day/night, I realized that they were taking my blood pressure way too often and my dad would tense up when they did. When I asked what was wrong, they said it was way too high (one point it was like 190/120 for several hours) and were just going to monitor it right now and wait to see if they needed to do anything about it. Jeez, I have really put my life in danger over food haven't I--another brilliant move Nicole.

While my dad went down to grab some dinner, another high school buddy of the 'aid' downstairs came into make me walk. Whatever kiddo, get the F out of my room. Good for him for standing up to me and forcing me to walk. As horrible as I felt, it really did feel good to move around. We did a few small laps and then I went back to sitting in a chair.

That night was horrible, I couldn't get comfortable and they were in every hour on the 15 to check my temp and BP. It was still thru the roof. I was nauseated and they gave me a few shots in my tush to help with that along with a few in my gut to help with blood clots. Why, why did I do this again?!

The next morning I was excited to get all the post-op stuff done and get home. It took them forever to get me down to radiology to do a leak test. There was a tech that wanted to tell me all about his gastric bypass while he threw me around the room like a rag doll (at least that is how it felt). When I was going to yack on their million $ equipment, he didn't move too fast to help me. (hey, learned a cool trick, if you are going to spew, smell an alcohol pad... stopped everything instantly). I finally finish drinking the radioactive juice and they tell me I'm done. I have to hear the tech stories all the way back up to my room. Even dad was like 'jackass" when he left. LOL
I was feeling better than the day before, but I just wanted to know if my leak test came back okay so I can have the tube pulled out of my who-ha and I can have drink of water. As I was waiting, I can remember sitting up in the bed, leaning over to a pillow and thinking "this has to be better than open heart surgery". thinking about what both my parents went through, about not having a choice that their chests were ripped open and having to deal with healing from that, I knew that I was just being a big ninny and I did do the right thing. I needed to walk, walk, walk and get my BP down and get the hell out of this place.

My labs didn't come back until late in the afternoon, my tubes weren't pulled until even later than that, I hadn't had oral pain meds yet, nor a drink of water and I was on shot #3 for nausea. We ran into the Surgeon while doing our rounds around the floor, he said I wasn't looking too good, my BP was still high and I shouldn't go home without reaching all my milestones in the hospital. Fine, I'll stay another night...

We walked again about midnight, I was determined to meet every goal by the time the dr came in the morning. I drank and I pee'd on my own (even had a #2) and I could also get up and out of bed on my own. My BP went down, but my temp was kinda up, but only for an hour or so. by 8am, my dad had the room packed, I was sitting up ready for whatever the dr wanted to do to me. He came in about 830, and he immediately could tell I was doing better! I was doing better, I felt better! He checked my gut and asked me a few questions. And then before he leaves he tells me this: "the biggest compliant I get from my patients is that they can't eat as much as they used too"
I looked at him wondering if that was a trick statement or something, not really knowing how to respond.
"isn't that the point!?"
"exactly! you're ready to go home."

Dad and I were out the door by 10:45 and on our way back home. HOME! Home is a great place to be. I took a nice looooong shower, followed up on some texts and just crashed.

Stacy called me later that night... "so, was it worth it?"
Yes, yes it was worth it. I still hurt, and I'm still tired, but I get stronger and stronger each day, each hour even, it is amazing. The biggest thing I can complain about right now is that my incisions feel like tiny rows of mosquito bites and they are driving me crazy. I can't watching anything funny either, laughing hurts. But all is good.

I cannot close this post without thanking all my friends for their love and support. My gosh, my phone never stopped beeping or ringing with calls and texts. My dad would read them as they would pop up and he would tell me I was lucky each time. If I did actually speak to any of you, I'm sorry if I made no sense or if I don't remember, I honestly was THAT out of it. thank you for the continued texts of support and visits to help me with Brody. All of them I can never repay.

More posts to follow... this is going to be a crazy ride and I see lots to report about...

Big Day Tomorrow

2010-03-29T22:46:00.002-05:00

By now most everyone knows that I'm having weight loss surgery (WLS), I'm having a procedure called vertical sleeve gastrectomy, basically they are taking out 80-85% of my stomach. And you know what... I can't wait!
I can remember years ago, after failing another diet, I wished that someone would just take out my stomach so I couldn't eat--wow, be careful what you wish for!
At this moment, things seem so surreal, I can't believe I'm blogging about this, I can't believe my dad is arriving (4 hours late), I can't believe that I'm on a surgery roster somewhere and the hospital is expecting in me the morning, I can't believe that I'm handed this awesome opportunity, I can't believe...

I'm looking down on my tattoo as a I pause to wipe the tears away, and I just can't help but wonder what my mom would say to all of this. I know she'd be a nervous wreck, but would she agree with it? Would she be jealous that she didn't have it? Would she lock me in a room and not let me go to the hospital? I just wish I had 5 minutes to talk to you...

How is this all going to change me? Will I love myself finally? Will I have the courage to do things that I've been afraid to do for fear of the 'fat girl' embarrassing herself? Will I smile without seeing my fat cheeks pushing up the sides of my eyes? Will I look at my whole face in the mirror and not just look at my eyes when I put on makeup (or just my cheeks for blush, etc), will I not run down the frozen food isles at grocery stores b/c I don't want to see my reflection in the doors? Will I finally step out from behind the camera and have a picture taken next to the beautiful places I've seen (proof that I've really been there, LOL)? Will I...

Too many emotions and too many questions and too much time before my dad arrives. I just need to try to get some sleep and let tomorrow come and begin a new chapter in this crazy life of mine.

Stay tuned...

Cha-Cha-Changes

2010-03-08T20:40:00.002-06:00

I feel like I have so much to spit out, I know I should have been blogging for a while now, but I just felt that if I sat down and wrote it out, that it just might be true. Sometimes it is hard to hear (read) the truth. But my cup fillith over and now I must put it down...

2010, very interesting year it has been. I can't say if I like or not yet, I still write and '0' for a year and then I forget that it isn't '09' any more and I have to squeeze a '1' in front of the zero and it makes my dates look all funny on my notes. (yes, I'm weird).

So one of my New Years resolutions has failed me. "Making Samson Healthy". My beloved Sam is gone and I'm utterly, painfully heartbroken. There is a hole in the center of my chest that belongs to that damn dog and I don't know how to close it up. I look at Brody, my 'other' child and I love him so much, but there was a special place in my heart for Samson, like I knew he was special and needed extra care. I miss the mundane things about living with him: him visiting me while going to the bathroom, him moving over to my pillow in the morning once I got up, they way he leaned on me while I pet him, his large head on my lap while I watch TV, his whiny beg when he wanted a bone, the way he looked at me with utter love, that tail that would crack the dry wall, the slobber on the floor (not), the barking when I came home, his snorting when I'd bother him, the way he loved looking at the birdies & kitty cats, the way he'd swat at Brody, his bronco bucking when he was crazy happy & wanted to run in the backyard and, and, and... The house has a strange quietness to it that I absolutely hate. I want him back, but I know that that is not possible and it sucks eggs. I question my decision almost everyday, sometimes every hour, but I know I did the right thing, it is just the guilt that is eating me alive and the loneliness.
I don't want a pity party, I swear, but I just think that sometimes friends don't know how lonely I am when I come home. Fine, I'm jealous, I said it. My friends have husbands/wives to come to and children that run up to them and love them. I had Samson, he was that child that would see you from across daycare and come running full speed into your arms. He was my goofy, lovable, dumb dog that did nothing but wanted to love. And I took it away.
I know most parents would love a day to sleep in, or a day to themselves, but how sad is it when you don't know you are losing your voice until someone calls and you can barely answer the phone. I spoke to no one yesterday until close to 8pm, I was with myself all day with no human interaction. Again, most people would LOVE that, I'm just tired of it.

And then there is work. I don't even know what to say about that. Will there?/Won't there? The whole future of the space program is up in the air (no pun intended) and where it will fall is any one's best guess.
I am blessed and I know it. I have a roof (a wonderful one at that) over my head, I have health insurance, I have a job, I live in a free society, I have a car, I have food in my refrigerator and I have NOTHING to complain about. However, (there is always a 'but'), I want to be challenged in my job again and I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Kinda like with decision with Samson, it was for the best at the time, but the guilt is rolling in. I am beyond words for the luck in getting a civil service position. But... but nothing, I should be thankful what is on my plate and move on.

And with all these gray clouds hanging over me, I see blue skies ahead. Changes are coming. Changes I've wanted for years, changes that need to be made, changes that hold so much potential it is frightening. I know I shouldn't half-way say something, but I just can't talk about it now. To be honest, I'm afraid to talk about it. The last thing I want to do is justify or explain my actions. Almost like Samson, I couldn't make that decision based on a 'committee vote', like I do with most things in my life; I had to do what was best for him and for me, even if the outcome wasn't so pretty at first.
I look ahead and I'm afraid, I'll be honest. With those blue skies, I see tall mountains to climb, but I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it.

Sunday...

2010-01-24T18:32:00.004-06:00

I'm waiting for my dinner to finish cooking and I thought I'd blog instead of plopping my arse down on the couch. Oh, the size of my arse... I've eaten everything under the sun the last few weeks with no regard for points or that my clothes were already tight, now they are just plain uncomfortable. I've fallen back into bad habits and I hate it. I've been watching the show 'intervention' recently and wow are there so many parallels between drugs and food. Awww, forget it, i have no desire to complain about my eating again.

Let's see... what else is going on... Samson!
Sammy's been to the vet a couple of times to get his random pooping under control. The specialist I saw believes that it is un-related to his paralysis he had a few years ago, but my vet believes it is related. She even posted his story on a Vet website and others believe it is related too. So does that mean there is no hope? He was on this medication that cost $2.54 a pill! and it did nothing for him, it was suppose to slow down his gut and maybe he could feel it coming if things were slower--nope, it just made his accidents bigger! LOL
Now he is on a generic form of Imodium to see if we can really stop things, but that really hasn't helped either. His accidents are farther apart, but he is still having them; the medicine has also caused him not to each much, i think it is upsetting his tummy a bit.
But we'll keep trying, there is no way I'm giving up on that damn dog.

I haven't been up to the studio much. My supply is low on the basic glass and I'm so afraid that if I use it on something that I screw up, I'll be really mad, so I just stare and then go back down stairs. I did order some clear rods the other day so I can experiment with a technique that I've been wanting to try. That won't eat up my reserves, so I'm looking forward to those coming in.

My dad arrives in less than 2 weeks for a quick weekend visit. I'm excited for my dad to come back here, he saw my house briefly when he helped me move in, but so much has changed. What I'm not looking fwd to is his wife coming too, but since I really can't change that, I'm just going to suck it up and deal. It is about my dad and i just have to keep telling myself that.

Okay, I heard the ding of the oven, going to see if dinner is ready. Later...

2010

2010-01-01T00:16:00.002-06:00

So it is 16 minutes into the new year and new decade. Wow has time flown by.
I have been stewing all day about the close out of the year, and what my goals should be. This is what I do every year and every year it makes my stomach all in knots.

I think back over this year, and I am going to focus on what I have accomplished...
- one year at a new job. Surviving my boss is an accomplishment in itself.
- began WW again, true, I have not been following it well, but I do make myself go to the weekly meetings and hold myself accountable for the # that shows up on the scale
- I had a very sucessful show in October
- I finally got my stuff out on Etsy!
- I put a X-mas tree up
- Watched KBC kick ass in sports.
- I hung pictures up in my dining room ( I love to see where I have been!)
- I watched more babies being born and celebrating many birthday's with my friends & their children! 2010 will bring a new round of babies!

So for this year's goals, I'm going to keep it simple...
- get Samson healthy
- blog more, as much as I love the facebook quick posts, I need to get more out of my system
- create more art, I freakin' love glass!
- have a living front lawn again

that's it. I can't promise myself any more than that. I'm never good at those promises, so I'm not going to let myself down again.

I wish all my wonderful, caring, loving friends a great new year and I could not be 'Nicole' without you. You have no idea how important you are to me. Hugs

Mourning the Loss...

2009-09-27T22:11:00.004-05:00

Right before summer started, Caitlyn cut her hair like any 4 year old does. She grabbed some scissors and just randomly cut it. I happened to call my sister the afternoon that it happened, and I could tell immediately that something was wrong. Stacy NEVER crys, she'd rather be mad and quiet than show the emotion of crying. She is the opposite of me--but I digress. Through her tears, she managed to get out that Caitlyn cut her hair and she felt like she was mourning the loss of it. That it was just part of Caitlyn and now it was gone. She knew she was being silly, but she couldn't shake the feeling. I listened to her, but I never really understood it. Now I think I do...

Yesterday Carolyn and I had a girly day. I had a blast! While we were up in the studio, Jodie stopped by and said she was going to DSW. Carolyn and I had enough to fill the kiln, so we decided to join in on the shoe buying fun! We head downstairs and go in the side door. Before I know what happened, the door swung into the side table houses a small lamp.
The lamp has a shade on it that I purchased in Venice, Italy by this small store right by where you pick up a ride on a gondola. I fell in love with it instantly and I knew exactly what I was going to do with it when I got it home. It was designed to be a hanging light and I thought it would look great over my island in the townhome. I had it shipped home and couldn't wait for it to arrive. When it came, I remember I held my breath as I opened the box for fear that it broke on the trip around the world. Nope, it was perfect! I held it up in the kitchen, over the island and realized that it was too small, and would look funny just as a single pendant. It sat in my dinning room alone for several months as I figured out what I was going to do with this thing--I would stare at it some nights. I finally got the idea that I would take it to a lamp store, see if there was some kind of fitting that we could put on it and make it into a lamp. I ended up at a lamp store in a scary part of town, but the old lady loved the shade as much as I did and we worked for hours putting together pieces from this and that to make it work. It cost me a small fortune when i walked out of there, but she had it rigged up to where I could hook it on any lamp base I wanted. I was sooo excited. I found a small lamp on-line and when I put the two together, it was magic. I LOVED IT. When I moved from the townhouse to the new house, I knew I wanted the lamp where I could see it every night, and I found the perfect place for it. I bought a small black side table that sits between the tv unit and the door. It is a great place to drop your keys and such. There are two things I do when I come home from work--I turn on that light and I open the back door for the dogs. That is my routine.
So, the door is swinging open, smacks into the table, rocks the lamp back and forth, it starts picking up some momentum and then just falls to the tile floor. It happened so fast. My lamp shade in 1000 pieces. I froze, I could NOT move. Carolyn tells me to sit down b/c she knows I'm about to go into shock. My favorite, most expensive piece of glass, the piece that I look at EVERY night--gone. I'm crushed. We clean up all the glass, the large pieces of it are sitting on my island just laying there lifeless, so heartbreaking.
I spoke with Stacy last night and I told her the story. She made a comment that I was mourning the loss of it. At first I snickered and she reminded me of Caitlyn's hair. And it clicked, I understood what she meant. I came home tonight from the grocery store, and I reached for the light switch to turn on the lamp and I became chocked up when I looked over at the table and didn't see the lamp turn on. I also kept looking over that way as I watched tv b/c it looked so dark in that small corner and it was catching my eye that my lamp wasn't turned on. I'm mourning its loss. My lamp shade is gone, maybe it will be destined for some pendants or something, I just can't throw it in the garbage, that would be sinful. What ever the pieces become, I'll make sure I send one to my sister for understanding me.
(luv ya stacy!)

Consequences

2009-09-25T07:53:00.004-05:00

That is the word of the day: Consequences.
I usually keep my acts of stupidity to myself and keep the consequences of them limited to within my household and try not to let them leak out others. That was not so successful last night.
First, let me begin this story with reminding folks that I can be a major dumbass at times. There are times I just don't think, sometimes the hamster is just not on the wheel. I try not to let that happen too often, but it just does sometimes.
I have lived on my 'own' for 13+ years. Never had a utility cut off on me until yesterday. I just plain forgot to pay my power bill. I come home, no power. Reach for the phone, text Jodie; yup, she still has power. A big 'ol question mark hangs over my head, I find a power bill, and call the number.
power guy: "the power has been cut off for non-payment"
nb: WHAT!? HUH? What do you mean?
PG: your bill was due Sept 2.
nb: AND YOU CUT IT OFF NOW? NO GRACE PERIOD
PG: no, no grace period.
nb: WTF!!!!
so we continue to argue, I begin to have a stomach ache from hell--a combo of embarrassment and anger.
If someone were to tell me that they had their power cut off, I would ask how many months they were behind. MONTHS, not 3 weeks. Now, wait, it sounds like I'm not taking responsibility for my actions, I have and I will. I understand that I did not make my payment. But who has ever heard of turning it off after 3 weeks? No warning? No late fee? Come-on, power is a necessity, I can see cable or your cell phone, but A UTILITY!! Just makes me shake my head.
So, now I have to call the one person that I know will allow my dogs in her house and beg her if I can sleep over. I know this phone call is going to be difficult for multiple reasons 1)I have to openly admit I'm a dumbass 2) her husband and son are leaving on a trip this morning and they had to pack and stuff 3) I know she had a long day at work, and the last thing she wants is a spastic Dane mix, a moody brown dog and a basket case for a friend. I have no other choice but to call. Even tho the weather has been nice here, the house is kinda stuffy and no power just sucks. She answers cheerfully and I explain my situation. If she is pissed by any of this, she is hiding it well and tells me to get in my car and come over.
By this time, the house is dark even with the blinds open. I have to go retrieve a flashlight out of my car and start packing by the light of that. The shame of stupidity washes over me again and tears start flowing. I truly hate being a dumbass.
I arrive at Carolyn's and the dogs play, they are beyond excited. I eat a salad I picked up on my way over and try my hardest to stay out of their way. By 9, I was mentally exhausted, I took my dogs and went upstairs. I fell asleep quickly, but soon heard every noise the dogs made. I was terrified that Samson would start barking for no reason and wake up Matteo. They also asked me not to let the dogs on the bed, so I was playing bed defender all night with Samson, I was blocking every move he made to jump up. Around 2:30am, Samson has some wicked gas and then starts crying. I jump up and rush them downstairs--I swear it sounded like a herd of buffalo running thru the house. Samson made it outside in time, I started crying again. After Sam is done with everything we head back upstairs; however, samson does not follow me back to the guest bedroom--he goes into Carolyn and Joe's room. For the love of Pete--really Samson. So I'm trying to get him out of there and get back to bed. After that I really didn't sleep much b/c I thought I'd have to run again to let Sam out.
6am rolled around, and they were up ready to go to the airport, I took a quick shower and headed home. I dropped the dogs back off. They can live in stagnant air for a day (if it was still 108 outside, no way, but it is a cool 79 degrees today w/ clouds). The power company told that it will be reconnected with in 24 hours. So sometime before 6:09 PM I should have power back on. (just shaking my head)
So, besides having to barge in on friends, let's look at the other consequences of my actions:
-everything in the frig must be thrown out, this equals $$$$$
-I could not run the kilns last night
-I had to pay $60 in cut-off and cut-on fees (add that to the ER co-pay (to be blogged about next), and any 'fun' $ Nicole had is now completely gone and no new glass order for her)
-I have a disconnect notice on my record
-additional physical proof that I'm a dumbass
I am so glad today is Friday.

Once Again, My Brody Dog is There...

2009-09-14T11:26:00.002-05:00

So last night, I could not fall asleep, I tossed and turned, blanket on, blanket off, I was miserable. I could not turn off my mind. Items running thru my head included:
*I didn't want to miss my alarm and not get up and go to the gym.
*I was worried about the bowl I was slumping; was I firing too hot or too long, what if it is ruined? (ugg, another piece I won't have ready for the show).
*Will I tell my boss to bite me after he grills me about the meeting I continued without him on Friday. (not my fault if you HAD to leave @ 2!)
So, I tossed and turned some more. Huffing each time that I did, I looked at the clock--12:45. UGGGG! At that moment, Brody jumped up on the bed, and laid down by my mid-section. That did it. I kinda 'spooned' him and gently pet his side and then next thing I know the alarm was going off at 5am.
Wow, 5am, what was I thinking. LOL. I hit the snooze for awhile and then decided that my day would be ruined if I just didn't get my ass out of bed and off to the gym. I promised myself and I'm tired of breaking promises. So, I jumped up, got dressed and gave Brody the biggest hug and kiss. I didn't have time to do the upper body workout that I wanted too, I would have felt rushed, so I did 30 min on the treadmill. I went home and ran up to the kiln room to check on the bowl. Yup, a little hot and a little long, the bowl isn't sell-able by my standards, but I think it might end up in my house somewhere.
And I didn't tell my boss to 'bite me', but I did tell him that he miss a great conversation and we agreed upon a lot of things. I had to give him the complete low-down of everything. In the end he agreed that it seems like we did good work, but next time don't have a meeting on Friday afternoon. Whatever.

Had to Jot This Down

2009-09-06T16:22:00.003-05:00

Life is good when...
You are outside, with your dogs laying in the grass, cold working some pieces of glass and have Dave playing on the iPod.

One Day at a Time

2009-08-31T21:12:00.002-05:00

Lisa and i went to the gym this evening and did 30 minutes on the treadmill. HAAAAA , it felt good (except when a trainer dude came up and tried to sell Lisa and I on using his services--whatever, could you NOT see that we were venting. LOL)

I'm signing back up on WW, think I'm going to do a merge of that and Crack. There seems to be a movement among friends to start back up the healthy eating/working out. I'm not going to let the train pass me by, if the support is out there, I'm going to hook on (and hold on for dear life).

Okay, heading to bed. It was a long day at work, very mentally draining and I have another one ahead of me tomorrow. I'm out...

Something has to give!

2009-08-30T20:25:00.003-05:00

Hi guys. Once again, it has been too long...
I've come to vent, I need to get some stuff off of my chest and it just can't wait until Wednesday's appt with the shrink.

As the title states, something has to give and give soon.
My eating once again this week has been h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. There are so many adjectives that are going to thru my head when I think of my eating this week--horrible, excessive, disgusting, gluttonous, carb-o-lious, sad, weak, stupid. I feel like I can't find balance in my life. I've been really good about my therapy sessions, making 'break thrus' (I believe)--I've said things in those sessions that I've never told anyone and it feels so liberating; I've been trying to get everything out so I can find answers. And then there is getting ready for the art-show. I feel like I'm letting go and really creating stuff, I've been over analyzing things and worried about selling it and not just having fun--this week, I feel like I've been really good about it.
And work! Holy moly have the last several weeks been hell--and the week in front of me is going to be 10 times as rough. I'm working so hard on this set of requirements, and I feel like I'm giving 110% to the cause, but then I sit back and laugh. My co-workers are putting in the same hours/effort and they are seeing their work 'fly' RIGHT NOW. They are putting in the work to see something tangible. I used to have that at work, I would do something and I would see it fly within months, if not days or hours. I'm working so hard for a project that won't even have a beta version ready for another 2 years! And if that presidential commission comes back and cancels the project--well, then more than just several weeks of hard work will be gone--jobs and the space program will be gone. I'm having a really hard time getting my mind wrapped around what I'm working on right now. I know that this project will be THE way that procedures are used after the shuttle is gone, and on the way to the moon and then on to mars, but I can't touch it now, so it doesn't seem real.
I look back on my early career and I guess I had the same thing. The space station was that thing that was waaaaaay out there and then it came up on me before I knew it. I never had these thoughts when I was working on the old stuff, I was way too green to know anything.
And so I think with my 100% in therapy, 100% at work, 100% doing glass, there is no room for doing well with food. Food was the something that gave. I needed a release from keeping everything else straight. Balance Nicole, just balance. But I'm so afraid that if the scales tip in one direction (no pun intended) that more will crumble. My mind is so f'ed up. And I know better, I do! I look inside myself and I just can't make that connection between what I want and what I SHOULD do as far as food is concerned. That logic is turned off--my wiring is seriously messed up. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I asked my shrink the other day if she was sick of hearing me. That my voice and my bitching were just too much. She laughed. Then she asked me the same thing--was I tired of talking and bitching--yes I am. I'm so tired of the same and the same and the same and the same. But I just can't get off this ride...

thanks for the vent. (and sorry for the geek speak in there too)

New Piece

2009-08-24T21:14:00.004-05:00

Okay folks, time is out of control right now... I feel like I'm juggling a million things (okay, 3 things, but it feels worse). yeah, I know you moms out there are feeling the back-to-school thing and step-ups in daycare and I have no room to complain.

I just wanted to post this quickly... I made it this weekend and opened the kiln this evening. I freakin' love this piece. I can't wait to cold work it, polish it up and slump it! Tell me whatcha think! That dark part is not black, it is aqua blue, it will lighten up when the piece is picked up and light can go thru it.

(i'm studying this picture, and wow have I learned alot about stacking and damning. MUST-TRY-MORE!)

Project Results

2009-08-21T15:30:00.004-05:00

Sorry about the lack of words, too much to say, and not enough time. I've been yelled out about not posting pics, here they are, the words will follow later...

Matthew, Sage, Blair, Mateo, Maddox, Landon, Seth

Sleep, Dogs and Alarm Clocks

2009-08-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

Seems I forgot to set my alarm clock last night. I hate that. I hate that rushed feeling like you are running around with your hair on fire. And then you hit EVERY light on the way to work just making you more worked up. Fun morning.

But on the bright side, I am sleeping better overall. I'm trying to get rid of the giant black paws out of my back and a big head off my pillow; I know my sleep will get even better after that! I don't know where they started jumping on the bed again. We were doing so well for a while and then something happened and they started to sleep with me again. Last night Samson and I had a fight. He was moaning and huffing when I told him he couldn't get up on my bed. In the middle of the night, I rolled over and there he was, taking up pillow space. I yelled at him and pushed, but he didn't budge. I finally swung my feet up and gave him a good shove--yeah, that almost pushed ME off of the bed. LOL. I finally just kept hitting him (swatting more like it) and yelling to get of the bed. I think he finally gave up just to shut me up. LOL.

Around the World

2009-08-06T20:33:00.005-05:00

So tonight I was finally working on getting all my black and white travel pictures up in the dining room. They have been sitting around for months just begging to be hung. There was no way I could figure out to hang them without some pre-planning, so I made a template of each picture and arranged & re-arranged them all until I like the layout. I put a nail in the mark on the paper and then started grabbing pictures...

Here is my wall half way thru pulling the templates down and pics up.
Every picture I picked up, a 1000 stories flooded my head...

"ohmygosh, how much fun was that!"
"oh man I was so tired after that day"
"I will never forget seeing that"
"how old is that!?"

I am so lucky that I have seen the world (most of it on the company), some people have never leave their little corner of the world. So very lucky!
I now have the biggest itch to travel again... ummm, where should I go!?!

"Demo Mode"

2009-08-03T12:25:00.002-05:00

The frig guy swung by this morning to look at the situation. He found that the new motherboard he put in the other day was set to 'demo mode'. Like the mode that you will find a frig in a store in--where the lights are on, but not cold--that was my frig! So, he changed the settings and 5 minutes later things were getting colder. Umf, so much frustration for something so small. All is good now, I'll have to wait several more hours for it to cool down completely and then I can transfer all the NEW food from the small frig to the big one. Hopefully this will be the end of the issues. (please o' please, no more issues).

So, I ended up getting sick last night. I don't know if it was the eggs or not, but about 5 minutes after I laid down to go to sleep, I found myself running towards the bathroom. I was up off and on most of the night, cleaning out the system. I stayed home today from work, more from being tired than anything else. I slept for a few more hours, and then I became incredibly hungry. I just ate some breakfast/lunch, and my stomach is a little iffy, but I'm hoping for the best.

Yesterday I put a 'glass boil' piece in the kiln, it will be in there for probably 48 hours boiling and then slowly cooling. I can't wait to see it come out. I used my new favorite color--aquamarine. As I explore the different colors of glass that Bulls.eye offers, I'm finding more and more new favorites! If this turns out like I want it too, this one might become part of my collection. I can't wait to check it out!

The Small Things

2009-08-02T12:00:00.002-05:00

So, I've been working hard on changing my 'tude towards things. I'm trying not to let the small stuff get to me. I believe my complaining levels have decreased and I'm just trying to get thru life wearing a Teflon suit. I've been under the theory that if I can change it, then work hard to do so, if I can't change something, make sure that my reaction to that change is sensible and not to over react. But mother f'er, I swear I have a gremlin that follows me around some days just to test me. Testing me he is!
The frig guy came yesterday to put in a whole new ice maker system so no more CLICKclickCLICK sound. He was very nice, chatty, and was done in about 15 minutes. This morning I went to make eggs and something didn't seem right, couldn't put my finger on it, so I just continued. I ate my eggs and stuff and then I went to get something to drink. My water wasn't that cold. And then the dogs saw the light bulb come on. My frig wasn't cooling! It still had some of the 'coldness' left over from when it was working. Immediately those eggs started to turn in my stomach. I checked the freezer; all my frozen broccoli is a mushed mess and the bag of ice I bought is almost a full puddle of water. REALLY!?!!?
I take a deep breath. Grab my receipt from the repair guy and call back.
"Blah, Blah, Blah, we're so sorry, I know it is frustrating"
Okay, I don't know about you guys, but when customer service people read from a script, it drives me f'in bonkers.
I asked them about food spoilage reimbursement. Oh yeah, I bought a bunch of stuff late Friday night (meat for the week, veggies, cottage cheese, lunch meat, chicken, eggs... all has to be thrown out). I have to fill out a detailed report and then 3-5 weeks after that I might get my check if is approved. And approval could take 3-5 weeks too. So I might have my $ back by Xmas.
I'm really trying to control my frustration on this whole thing. But I don't understand how replacing an ice maker will then cause my whole unit to stop cooling. I don't understand why I just can't mosey thru life without all these stupid speed bumps. I know that life experiences help define your character, but my gosh; why can't I have experiences of shooting stars, and sunflowers and a cherub's arrow hitting my ass (its a big enough target). I want fun, exciting experiences. And I know that I need to search those out, but do the annoying experiences always need to find me? (it seems like that anyway).
Okay, enough bitching (I said I was getting better at that right, I guess I just had relapse). I just needed to vent. I was heading up to the studio, but now I need to drag the frig that Jodie lent me back in the house (thank goodness I didn't take it back to her house yet) and plug that in to get that cooled down. I then need to clean out the nasty frig.
Happy thoughts, creative thoughts.

Just as I was going to close this post out, it hit me that I should be thankful for what I DO have and stop sweating the small stuff. Today a friend is mourning the loss of her husband's grandfather, who they were very close to, and I'm complaining about a frig. With my head hung low, I'm closing this one out.

Newest Glass Creation

2009-07-30T08:55:00.004-05:00

Here is the piece that I was talking about Sunday night...
I still need to cut the clear edges off it (I want a blunt edge), cold work it some and then slump it into a large sushi platter. I just love all the colors! I might have to make another for me :-)

Two Men on the Moon, happy pills, a refrigerator, a puppy and a turtle...

2009-07-26T20:33:00.010-05:00

LOL, it sounds like my title is the beginning of a bad joke, but it is just my life. :-)

Much to catch up on... sit back and settle in, this is going to be a long post!

Mental Health Update
First, I'm doing MUCH better than I have been. I think my post a few weeks ago showed me at a low point, which I very much was. Luckily you missed my rage phase, I was just too on edge to blog. So, this is what happened... I got into a funk and I didn't know how to get out of it, things were just really blue and I went to go see my doctor. We talk and we decided that trying a new happy pill might be in order, so I did. OHMYGOSH, looking back on it, that was NOT the move to make. I didn't react very well to the new drug AT ALL and last week it all came to a head with me beating the refrigerator with a meet tenderizer and my boss asking what the hell was wrong with me. I knew that I needed off that stuff ASAP and back on my other stuff. That is exactly what I did, I went back to the doctor, I also am seeing my therapist again and we are scheduling regular meetings (I need structure). The effects of these changes were almost immediate, i cannot even begin to express how better I feel already. I was even able to get up in the studio and design a really cool piece. It is in the kiln right now, I can't wait to see it in the morning. I can't help to wonder "what the hell is wrong with me". But I guess that is what I'm going to explore in my upcoming meetings. Also, I pray that KBC never experience any of what I'm going thru. I hope that is crazy/low self esteem gene ends with me; just the thought rips my heart out.

The Refrigerator
If there was any way I could have opened the back door and thrown out my refrigerator, it would have been done by now. I hinted at issues a couple days ago and I think the worst is over, thank goodness. A few weeks ago, there was this clicking noise FROM HELL coming from the ice maker part of the unit. CLICKclickCLICK, CLICKclickCLICK, CLICKclickCLICK, CLICKclickCLICK for about 7 to 10 minutes every hour or so. I'd turn up the volume on the TV, I would leave the room, I would go sit outside, NOTHING would drown out the sound. CLICKclickCLICK, all hours of the night. I was fighting the new medicine and that CLICKclickCLICK just pushed me over the edge. At about 3am last Friday night, I took a meat tenderizer to it to try to shut it up. Yeah, it didn't work. CLICKclickCLICK. It just mocked me. RAGE.
The repair guy came out on Monday and said that he had to order parts would be back next Tuesday. WHAT?!?!? I broke down and cried, the poor man didn't know what to make of me. He tells me that my ice thing is frozen solid, I have to unplug the thing, and let it defrost. WHAT!?!? WTF am I suppose to do with all my food, my iced tea (my gosh!). That is where Jodie's frig and the massive roach comes into play. I finally did it this weekend, about 4pm CST today, I finally was able to pull the draw open, and restart my frig. YAY!! See some pics below!

The small one i borrowed from Jodie. It is sitting by my side door.

Currently holding all my frozen stuff. Keep replenishing the ice.

The beast trying to defrost. See the white thing on the upper right, that is causing all the issues!

House Guest
So, Brody, Samson and I have a house guest for a couple of weeks! Her parents are across the globe in different directions. Her dad is in Japan supporting the current shuttle flight and her mom is pretending to be on Mars while in the Arctic. She has been fun. Dinner time is a little rough, she likes to 'share' Brody and Samson's food, but they don't feel the same way. It has been fun watching them wrestle, she has been holding her own very well.

On the ottoman ready to pounce on Samson. She has a level playing field up there!

Watching TV with me. Think she has made herself at home?
Men on the Moon & a turtle

Friday night they were holding a splashdown of Apollo 11 at Spa.ce Cen.ter Hou.ston. Tickets were sold out and I was looking forward to listening to some of the apollo guys speak. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (the 1st and 2nd men to walk on the moon) were there too. They are getting older and who knows if I would ever have a chance to hear them, so I was having a geek moment. (at least it wasn't rage, right?)
I got home early from work on Friday so I could the puppies run around and such. I was sitting on the couch flipping thru the channels and the dogs start going nuts. I figured it was another dog walking by, but they would NOT stop barking. So, I kinda lean over to see what they are looking at. WTF is that?!?! It was one of those things that you blink a bunch of times and just wonder if you are seeing things. This is what was out there:

He was just strolling up the driveway like he belonged there. (I guess animals know that they can come hang out under my car port. LOL) He made a lap around my car, stopped in front of the back door to let the dogs bark at him and then made his way back down the driveway and into my plants. After he got out of those, he continued down the street. I was now running late to the Apollo thing, but what was I going to do with this gigantic turtle? I decided that I really couldn't do anything (yeah, that was going to keep me up at night) and I ran back home to get ready to leave. As I was leaving the house, I decided to go look for him and see if he was okay. I saw a group of people about a block away all standing around and I knew he was over there. Everyone was just as amazed as I was; someone was also calling animal control. I felt so much better that he would be taken care of and I headed to the event.

Holy line to the moon and back!
I arrived at Spa.ce Ctr Hou.ston and the line was out of control, it was wrapped around the blding and down the entrance street almost all the way to the main road. It was only 6:30 outside and was still blazing hot, I was going to be nasty by the time I even walked to the end of the line from the parking lot, let alone wait in that line. I ran into a girl I worked with and she told me where another co-worker was standing and told me to go stand with him. It was awesome! He was pretty close to the front. Kent and her sister met me there and soon we were heading into the building. We take off to the IMAX theater where the speakers are going to be; they were already pushing people to the overflow theater, but we were rebels and went towards the other one anyway. There weren't that many seats left, but I snagged one, and Kent & Becky went to look for two together. They weren't able to find any, and had to go to the other theater. I kinda felt bad, but then my geek side took over again and I was excited that I was going to see Neil and Buzz talk! I so enjoyed hearing all the old stories from the original fight directors and then Neil got up. He speech was simple and inspiring, it was perfect for the night. (Insert eye roll here) Buzz got up after him and proceeded to pitch HIS ideas and HIS website and HIS book, never mentioning the fact that man was on the moon 40 years ago, nothing. Talk about a buzz kill (no pun intended). He ruined the whole night, he killed the atmosphere of the excitement of the moon landing. How sad is it that I even was texting Kent and Jodie while he was talking. I'm in the presence of a man that walked on the moon, and I couldn't care an ounce of what he was saying. Anywho, the evening was fun and Kent & I had a wonderful time.

Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon.

that other guy. #2

So there you go. Wow, that was a lot to cover. I hope you stuck with me. I'll post pictures of that plate i made today (if it comes out well).

My Knight in a Shiny Acadia

2009-07-21T21:58:00.002-05:00

So, a roach followed me in tonight when I was carrying the mini-refrig that I had to borrow ( that is another blog, when I'm not so angry). The roach was Texas-sized and scary! Brody and Sam just watched it crawl up the wall. I ran out to the garage to get some Ra.id and all I had was stuff for wasps, but I grabbed it anyway and ran back inside. There it was, right above the entertainment center! I shot at it and it fell, and I heard it hit somewhere -- GROSS. I quickly grab my phone and text Jodie, it goes something like this...
nb: there is a huge roach in the house
jr: do you have raid
nb: I have stuff for wasps, but I sprayed it anyway, help me
jr: help how?
nb: I hear it dying and it is freaking me out, come kill it.
so not 90 seconds later, the Acadia pulls up, the dogs attack her and she goes after it! It was slowly dying behind the TV. She gives it one more spray, I grab 10000 paper towels and pull it out. My skin is crawling.
Her job was done, she says good night and leaves!
Thanks Jodie, just another thing I can count on you for!

"They're Both In Trouble"

2009-07-16T13:15:00.003-05:00

Recieved this picture text from Stacy of Caitlyn and Bently, it was titled "They're Both in Trouble".

(not the best picture, but still funny)

Happy Birthday Brody!

2009-07-15T12:41:00.003-05:00

My first born is 7 today. Or at least today is the day that my vet and I picked as his possible birth day. He was thrown over the fence at the shelter, so no one really knows when he was born.

My little boy...

I freakin' love this dog as if I gave birth to him myself. I know that sounds absolutely, 'she has really lost her mind now', ridiculous to you mothers out there that grew and delivered a human baby, but this is the closest thing I have. We have become so in-tuned with one another, I know what he wants by just the way he looks at me and he is there to cuddle with me when I need it most.
Last night, he jumped on my bed as I brushed my teeth and I saw him look at my pillow. "No WAY!" came out of my mouth, he actually sighed a little and then moved to the end of the bed--far enough away where I would have room to lay down, but close enough that I could still tuck my feet under him and know that he was there.
I haven't been sleeping well lately, I'm unable to turn my mind off at night. Things just swirling, rushing thru my head--decisions to be made, bills to pay, art to be created, conversations I should have had, conversations I shouldn't have had, adventures that I'm way too chicken shit to ever do, etc... you name it, it is in my head at that exact moment I should be falling asleep. And Tyle.nol PM is shit. But Brody... he is there. He is the relaxing force in my life right now. Last night I turned my pillow to the other end of the bed and curled up with him and I finally fell asleep...

anywho, happy birthday to my Brody...

Matteo Funny

2009-07-13T14:23:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday I went over to Carolyn's house to discuss the Chicago trip (which isn't happeneing, too much $$$), to have dinner and let the all the boys play.
It was way to hot outside, so we went inside, looked at maps of Chicago and such. As we are doing this, Matteo is walking up to Samson and sticking his head below Samson's head and trying to get to his chest. Sammy is not bothered by this at all, he just keeps sniffing Matteo's head or looking at him.
NB: "What is he doing?"
Carolyn: "oh! he is trying to get Samson's white patch"
NB: "really!?"
Carolyn: "it is driving him nuts that Samson has that white spot on his chest"
Sure enough, that is what Matteo was trying to do, trying to 'get' that white stuff. It was so funny. You really had to see it to get the full effect.
Oh, and then, Matteo and Samson were little boogers during dinner. Samson would slowly move up to Matteo's high chair, and Matteo would hand him some food. They had a good little system going. We would tell them both no, and Matteo would look at Samson and say "no, no!" and then do it again a few seconds later. Too funny.

Just Words

2009-07-08T15:21:00.001-05:00

There have been things that have been on my mind for several weeks now, and I just didn’t want to sit down and start blogging about them b/c some will sound like I’m complaining. And I guess I am somewhat, but other items are just random feelings and such, so I’m just going to barf out words and let it all come out so I can get my mind off of this and on to other things.

· First, my friends are my family. Without a doubt, I could not survive without my friends. And I want my friends to know that even if we don’t talk for a day, a week, a month or a year, I think of you often. There are nights that I do nothing but think of friends and certain situations that have happened in the past—and I think to myself “I’ll call them tomorrow”, and tomorrow comes all crazy and I never call. Please know that I’m not purposely ignoring you; sometimes I don’t call cause I don’t want to be a ‘debbie downer’ and I plan to call on a better mental health day, but those are harder to muster up sometimes.
Also, the phone works both ways.

· I really love the website failblog.com, I crack up every day when I visit it.

· I never thought leaving Bld 35 would be as hard as its been. I knew I would miss my friends/co-workers, but not to the point that I believe it has affected my mental health. The daily, quick low-down of life in the hall is greatly missed. And realizing that sometimes that was my only (friendly) human interaction for the day has been hard to deal with, but I’m getting thru it.

· The Mutt Hut is closing in just over a week. I’m crushed. I know the boys love it there and I rely on them to wear ‘em out for me if I’m going to late at work or I’m going out for a night or something. Standby as I wipe away a tear…

· I am secretly or not so secretly enjoying watching the various stages of life with all of the kids in my circle of friends. Amazing. I only get to see KBC every-so-often, and I miss the everyday changes they make, seeing it closer is fun. But I still don’t want kids!

· If I got three wishes, one of them would be for me to have an ounce of athletic ability.

· Sometimes I too freakin nice.

· I hate that friends avoid the dog house and dog car. I’m sorry if the beasts have an odor and I understand it not being pleasant, but purposely avoiding or warning others hurts.

· The iPod is one of the greatest inventions of all time.

· I look at the red dress on my wrist and I feel like a failure some days.

· I was watching Scoo.by D.oo last night with Lan, and the episode had Ca.ss Elli.ot on it, she owned a chocolate factory. It would take more than two hands to count the number of fat jokes that were on the episode. I cringed every time they made one and it made me more upset each time. I know that lately I’ve been hyper-sensitive about things, but it really bothered me the whole night and I was thinking about it when I was trying to fall asleep. I think that is what pushed me over the edge and now I’m spitting out all this stuff, the container of holding in thoughts and emotions is full and things are now overflowing…

There are some more things that have been bothering me, but I just can’t reach into that container and pull them out right now, but I’m glad I got the ones that were on the edge out.

Ugh, look at that… I have just typed and deleted the same sentence three times—the sentence was apologizing for my buzz kill rant. But you know what, I’m not sorry for my words, I’m am sorry that you chose to read my blog and it was nothing funny or entertaining, but just the sad thoughts swirling in my head. I hope my next post I will have a funny story…

More Sore than I Thought I'd Be!

2009-06-18T13:04:00.002-05:00

Several weeks ago, I broke down and bought a Wii. I had some reward points that were going to expire at a certain electronics store, so instead of buying a CD or Movie, I decided to buy a Wii. LOL
Soon after I bought that, I saw a commercial for EA Spo.rts Act.ive. It looked really cool, and the online reviews were pretty good, so I decided to pre-order that. When I got back from Chicago it was waiting for me! I starred at it for a few days and then I finally decided I needed to use it. The game has a few choices as far as workouts that you can do, you can make up your own by selecting your favorite exercises and then it will string them for you. Or you can do a 30 day challenge. I decided to do the 30 day one... who knows what I like until I do it, right?! The daily workout is similar to circuit training. You do some arms, then some cardio, kicking boxing, back to arms, etc... I like it!! The running in place kinda bothered me at first, but then I started to really get into it. I couldn't get around the 'track' without wanting to pass out and die, but now at the closing of each workout, I'm running a few laps--amazing how our bodies work. I have been very surprised by the intensity of the workouts, I never thought a 'game' would do that. And it will even yell at you when you aren't doing something right--I've been told to step it up or keep my pose longer--the Wii knows all!!! I also like that the workouts aren't so long --anywhere from 18-25 minutes and that is all you need, cause I pooped after that! Yesterday's workout was lower body, tons of squats and lunges--I hurt today, my hips feel like they are in cement and my thighs are screaming at me with every step. I love it tho!
So if you have a Wii, pick this up, you'll love it too!

Those Damn Books

2009-06-17T14:10:00.002-05:00

I had mentioned in my Chicago post about the new thing that had been keeping me busy for a while. Both Alexa and Jodie mentioned to me that I needed to read the Twi.light series. Yeah, yeah. Alexa has even been carrying it in her car for about 6 months waiting for me to take it from her. Jodie finally handed me the book and I decided to take it to Chicago with me. I never opened it up on my way up there or once I was there (thank goodness, I never would have seen the kiddos), but I did open it after I bawled my eyes out saying goodbye to hide my red face. Oh boy, it was all over after that. I couldn't stop reading it on the plane and I was mad the whole way home from the airport cause I was missing valuable reading time. LOL.
I finished the first one soon, and then ran out and got the second one, I borrowed the thrid and the forth one from Kristine and didn't leave my house until they those were done. I have never in my life stayed up until all hours of the night for a freakin book. OHMYGOSH those books rock. Yes Alexa and Jodie, I should have listened to you earlier. I am now a Twi.light fan, I have been sucked in, heaven help me. LOL

Pics I Promised

2009-06-15T14:45:00.004-05:00

Here are the pics of promised of Caitlyn in gymnastics in my last post. I enjoyed downloading these and going thru them. No lie, a bunch of picutres were blurry b/c she was moving so fast on the equipement (and I didn't have my camera set right). But here are the best... (check out her guns)

My Chicago Trip

2009-06-11T13:39:00.000-05:00

Please let me re-introduce myself. I'm Nicole, the blog slacker. It is not that I don't have anything to write about, trust me I do, but I just don't seem to have the time. So much has been going on, I don't know where my time goes. I have no idea how my friends that have families to look after do it. I can hardly keep up with myself, let alone anyone else. I'm so glad all I have to do is put some water & food down, open the back door and give some belly rubs for my boys, anything more and I might fall apart. The days have never rushed by faster, but then seem to go so slow sometimes too. Very odd, I don't think I can explain it very well. But let me try with my trip to Chicago...

I headed to Chicago for a long Memorial Day weekend. I could not have been more excited to jump on a plane and head there, I was like a kid waiting for my new toy. I headed up there mid-morning and then met my dad at the airport. He was a big kid too, he couldn't wait to see the kids either. Stacy picked us up and we headed back to her house for a bit before the other kids came home. Caitlyn was just excited that we were finally there that she could hardly get her words out. We took the bags upstairs and she was jumping on Brendan's bed. I pulled her down and started to tickle her. In between laughs, she said "Auntie Cole, you really do love me". We all laughed, not sure what that really meant, but I think the harder I 'got her' the more it showed her my love. Shortly after that, the other two came home. Wow! Have they grown. Kelli is more of a young lady than a 'girl'. So sure of herself, so proud, and such a smartass. LOL. Brendan is a handsome, funny young man. Where have Stacy's babies gone?

That night we headed to a 'house league' game for Brendan. I had my huge camera in hand, ready to snap those pics like the paparazzi, and my dad was busting at the seams to watch him play. Brendan got to pitch some, but about halfway thru the game, he was pegged in the head with a line drive, and he went straight down. It took every fiber of my body not to go run out there and pick him up --the trace amount of maternal instincts that my body seemed to muster up was pushing me to go and baby him. He was fine, his ego was bruised more than anything. We watched him for most the night to make sure he didn't need to go to the hospital. All was good by the morning.

So, I have been begging, whining, dropping bomb sized hints that I wanted to go downtown and do the boat thingy and see the city. Finally, after about 5 years of asking, we had time to go on Friday before the weekend of soccer and baseball games began. So, we all boarded the train to downtown, kelli and I playing her iTou.ch and everyone else just catching up on things. After arriving at that train station, we walked a few blocks, to the water taxi's

and headed down the chicago river to catch the big boats. We walk up, ugggg, the place is just packed with school groups; oh well, nothing is going to ruin my day. We waited a few minutes and then we caught the next boat, we were the last ones on after a zillion kids got on first. We sit at the back of the boat, and Brendan hangs out with me, kelli starts acting cool and caitlyn is with stacy. We start to tour the city, it was kinda gloomy/cold out, but I was still determined to get some pictures.

After all the safety stuff (i.e. don’t jump out of the boat – LOL) we were on our way. Okay, I love this city. As I’ve matured (yeah, stop snickering), I have learned to love history and architecture ( I think that is why I love Europe so much) and this city has it all. Click, click, click, I’m taking tons of pictures. Another cool part to this city, is there are ‘locks’ to get out to the lake. The river is actually is actually lower than the lake that feeds it—yeah, weird huh – so you go into this HUGE steal trap, the gates close behind you, the ones in front of you slowly open and the water pours in, raising the water level 10 or 15 feet, it way cool. Once that is complete, you are on your way to the lake. Click, Click, Click. Tons more pictures taken. The Chicago skyline is the best of any city in this country, it is amazing.

My Dad and Kelli on the boat

Soldier Field Where the Bears Play

Big Sky Line

John Hancock Bld

We headed back into the river (going back thru the locks) and then did more of a tour of the river and saw all the cool buildings up close.

Sears Tower

Cool Bridge Architecture

Wrigley Building (My Dad used to work here)

Going down the River, the blue building is the Boeing Bld.

The tour was over, we jumped back on the water taxi, and then off to the train station. We didn’t have time to wonder around the city, we had some games and practices waiting for us back in the ‘burbs.

Soon after we arrived home, it was time to head back out. Everyone went separate ways, Kelli had her first game of her tournament so Dad & I went that way, and Brendan had a baseball practice, but met up with us later. Kelli cracked me up, she run by or be across the field and would glare at me cause I was the paparazzi again. Kelli—I will never stop trying to take pictures. BAAAWAAAHAAAAA.

Like this 'die' look...

Oh, here is another one!

I can’t remember if it was that game or the one she had the next day, but I turned my camera towards Caitlyn for a moment (the most patient game kid you could imagine)

This is the picture I was taking...

and I hear “Go Kelli, go!”, I turn my camera back to the field, I didn’t catch her goal on film, but I saw it. However, Joel and Dad did not—my tush was in the way and they missed the goal. Sorry guys, I know you are probably still mad at me. Anywho, Kelli has become a very strong soccer player, amazing to see how her game has changed over the years. I love you kiddo!

Pictures of Kelli playing Soccer!

Brendan’s games were the next day. Wow were those crazy! These games were the first time he played on his new team, he had a ‘real’ uniform and everything. He was so handsome!

He played multiple positions and kicked butt at all of them. That first game was out of control, the game ended up with extra innings, tied, bases loaded, 2 outs and they call Brendan to come in an pitch. I wanted to puke. All my insecurities were welling up – what if he fails, he will be ruined for life, he will beat himself forever if he doesn’t strike this kid out. Hell, as a 10 year old, he had more composure than I have ever had. Cool as a cucumber! And he did it! He won the game for them. I wanted to run out and carry him off the field. All my fears were over in an instant and he was on such a high that I just wanted to cry for him. Right after that game, his team switched shirts and played another. After 5 hours of continuous baseball, we were all pooped! But what a great day that was, watching both kids win their games.

Pictures of Brendan...

Caitlyn being great at all the different games...

On Sunday, the kids had their play-off games. For the first time, Dad and I had to choose between watching Kelli or Brendan, it way sucked to make a decision. In the end, we watched the first part of Brendan’s game and then headed to watch Kelli. They both lost their playoff games. It was a bummer, but the kiddos were happy with their efforts and they were over the loss soon enough.

When we got home, I went down to the basement and laid down waiting for the next decision of what we were going to do to be made.
Stacy: “don’t lay down, you’ll fall asleep”
Nicole: “no I won’t, shut up”
60 seconds later… ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wake up about an hour later, with Caitlyn and Kelli laughing sitting on the bed with me.
Nicole: “What did you two do?”
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
They drew on my face with markers! AND I slept thru it! I walk up stairs and show their mother what they did to me. She almost fell off of the chair laughing. Thanks girls.

That was pretty much the tone for the whole weekend. We laughed and cheered and watched movies (Brendan & I even had a date!) and we talked and we did homework. It was amazing. I cannot begin to express how much I love those damn kids.
Kelli is becoming a young women in front of my eyes. I asked her “who is your boyfriend”. She snapped back “Why do I need a boyfriend to define me, I can be single and it be okay”. Yes ma’am you can. Please don’t ever let someone tell you different. Promise me.
Brendan has such a sense of humor that it is unreal. Very dry and quick. The kind that will take you a few seconds to realize what he said, and he will have walked off with a smirk on his face. Not smartass, that is not what I mean at all, he is genuinely funny. And a very athletic boy too! He loves his sports and it shows. He’s a boys boy.
And last my Caitlyn. Who could forget that chica; she is a wild child, but in a good way. She is the most patient 4 ½ year old I have ever seen at games; I guess when you grow up on some sort of sport field, you just don’t know any different and you deal with it. She is the best to watch games with. Oh! How can I forget her sport as well! Man, I’m a bad auntie. She went to gymnastics right before I had to head out to the airport. That girl is ripped! She has the arms and the abs. Gymnastics will be her thing. Kelli has soccer, Bren has baseball, soon I will be add gymnastics meets to my list. Too bad she won’t be 16 by the time the Olympics hit Chicago.

I'll post those pics ASAP, I don't have them close to me right now to throw out here.

It was time for me to leave and the tears began. Caitlyn wouldn’t let me go at the airport, she locked her arms around me and cried into my shoulder. That just made it worse. I had to ask Joel for some help getting her off of me, I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried all the way thru security and on to the gate. Yeah, I was red-eyed freak, so I grabbed a book that Jodie lent me to hide my face… that leads me into the next saga of my life….

(that will be my next post, and I promise it won't be a month away)

$158

2009-04-21T21:55:00.005-05:00

Okay, I am beyond excited to hear that my glass piece that I made for The Amer.ican Hear.t As.soc in Galv sold for $158. I really want people to like my art and WANT to own it. I'm just thrilled that there were multiple offers. I know $158 isn't much to find a cure or help people with heart disease, but it is $158 closer. (maybe it can help another mom out there)

I love this smile across my face. I need more of these moments, this could be addicting :-)

Pic of the $158 piece!

Catching Up

2009-04-19T21:45:00.011-05:00

Yes, I'm still around. the new job has me busy, busy. I like it, but wow, what a change of pace from the old job. I am constantly in meetings and battling budget stuff almost every day. It sucks (especially in this economy) when your country doesn't want to support your space program. Hopefully things will turn around and the country will be inspired again to go do really cool space stuff.

I'm also working hard on my glass. I have given myself a deadline of late April to get my Et.sy shop up and running. The kilns are going around the clock and some pretty cools things are coming out. I have a kiln full of fun stuff right now. Check out the beginnings (very beginning) of my website: , with the help of Jodie it will be one rockin' site soon!

This weekend we had a series of NASTY storms. Jodie and I were texting each other about how bad things were getting and she said her street was flooding. I thought I'd go check out the front of my yard. This is what I saw...

Yes, I was freaking out! I have never seen water this close to any front door I've ever had. Makes you wonder what it was like during Ike.

During the Storm

After the storm, water recedes quickly here!

My neighbor's work car--yeah, I think they should have moved it before the rain started!

I will try to keep up with my blog more often. I do miss writing, so you'll be hearing from me more often. Hugs to all...

My Biggest Flaw

2009-03-13T14:11:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it has been weeks since I have written anything. Time flies when you are busy doing tons of stuff.

Sigh, I have fallen into bad habits again and I hate it. I have been downing all sorts of horrible food and then I'll have one good balanced meal and then dive into the next bad thing. It is so exhausting trying to fight addiction to food everyday. And why did I fall back into this bottomless pit of food hell? Because of my biggest 'flaw'--I let outside, negative influences into my life. I have zero defense when it comes to certain people or topics--no matter what, their ideals or just negative presence seeps into my life and throws me off kilter. I'm spiraling out of control with a donut in my hand, running to the scale to see how much weight I've put back on. Folks, it is a horrible way to live. I really need to learn to build up my defenses, say F-YOU to these cancerous feelings and live my life in the most productive & healthy way I can.

So, I am going to take this weekend, purge all that negativity from my life, and do a week of carb deplete beginning on Monday.
Please avoid me at all costs until that week is over--this is for your own protection.

I Miss You Too Caitlyn

2009-02-27T11:46:00.004-06:00

I must share last night...

I was looking forward all day to coming home to a clean house, I hired some girls to come in and scrub the place down, and boy did they do that! The house looks and smells awesome--no stinky dog. On my way home from getting a hair cut and picking up the dogs, I really was craving a pizza, not sure why, but it was just eating at me and I wanted one bad. So I called a local pizza joint and picked up a pizza on the way home.
After walking around my house in utter amazement (it actually looks like it is 'suppose' to, like how I wanted it too), I sat down to eat. And I ate, and ate, and ate--I got a 'personal' pizza, 9" and ate the whole damn thing. I was just chewing the very last bite when I get a knock at the door. It was Jodie and Landon to check out the place! Before I showed them around, i had to get the scoop from Landon on gymnastics (check out pics here). Now, if you have spent any time with Lan at all you know that he has the best facial expressions, and he talks with his eyes. As soon as I asked him about his class, his eyes got as big as saucers and his excitement grew. It is so fun listening to him tell stories--he gets these looks that just crack you up. We walk around the house looking at all the stuff that is sparkling clean and my stomach is just laughing at me for eating that pizza. We end up in the living room, and Lan is showing me some of the moves from class and Brody has one of his looks going on like "What the hell is this kid doing?" and Samson is tying to sniff his piggies and give him a kiss. Lan just cracks up. They soon leave and I'm fall down on the couch holding my stomach.
Why, why did I eat pizza? (Oh! I failed to mention that I have had an upset stomach with multiple trips to the bathroom over the last few days--yeah, not smart of me).
I watch a few TV shows, trying not to move cause I think if I do, I might throw up on the clean floor. Finally at 10ish, I pick myself up and head to bed hoping that sleep will make it all go away. At 10:15, the phone rings...
NB: Damnit. I guess I need to answer that, it might be Caryn (she is the friend that is coming in this weekend). I look at the phone, it is Kelli. Why is she calling me so late?
NB: "hello?"
Kelli: "Hi, Auntie Cole. Caitlyn is crying so we called you"
NB: "is she okay? why is she crying?"
Kelli: "She just started crying and said she missed you. She is crying really hard"
NB: "She is crying cause she misses me?" (My heart breaks a little bit)
Kelli: "yeah, she just started crying and now she is hiding under the blankets and won't talk"
--we talk for a little bit and then Kelli puts the speaker phone on--
NB: "Shamus (a nick name I have for Caitlyn), what's wrong?"
Cait: "I miss you" (followed by extreme crying)
NB: "I miss you too Shamus, I love you"
Cait: (crying)
NB: "Kelli, please give Caitlyn a hug for me"
Kelli" Okay" Starts to squeeze Caitlyn tight and is grunting
NB: "Tighter, harder, squeeze, give her a big hug"
Cait: Laughing now
Kelli "Oh no! she is purple! Auntie Cole, I squeezed her too hard, she is purple!"
NB: "No! Hurry, give her kisses to wake her up!"
Kelli: kissing her
Cait: Belly laughing
Kelli: "she is okay"
Cait: "I love you Auntie Cole"
NB: "I love you more"
Cait: "NO!! I love you MORE!"
NB: "You won!"
--Kelli proceeds to tell Caitlyn that nobody ever wins 'I love you more' with Auntie Cole and this makes her laugh more. The whole time this is going I'm thinking of how great Kelli is with her and how much Caitlyn trusts Kelli. They are wonderful sisters and I hope that never changes. (Stacy and I were pretty brutal to each other growing up, we are best friends now, but it was NOT always like that)--
NB: "it is late girls. go to bed. I love you both"

and with that, I turned off the light and I begin to cry over how much I miss THEM.

this morning I had to call Stacy and see what was up with all of that last night. She said that it came out of no where and Caitlyn just started crying--I had to ask if she had a premonition that something happened to me. Stacy laughed and said 'no'. I was just double checking...

(P.S. My stomach is still killing me)

Good for a Laugh

2009-02-26T14:11:00.002-06:00

So, I was trying to find a file on my computer and I came across some puppy pictures of Brody when he spent his first weekend away from me at Joe and Carolyn's house. And then I came across this video that Carolyn took... there is no sound, but you get the picture. So funny...

My Ears Flop Around! from N. Bolinger on Vimeo.

Goin' a Bit Nuts

2009-02-13T23:23:00.004-06:00

Okay, I've lost it. I'm tired of being cooped up in this house and I'm tired of watching TV and I'm tired of sleeping and I'm tired of working on my laptop (I want my desk at work) and I'm tired of being weak and I'm tired of coughing and I'm tired of ZERO human interaction. I have made two laps around the kitchen area, down the hall, into the dinning room and back around again. I'm looking for something to do that will not take too much of my strength and I'm getting pissed. I've had it. I'm done.

Things are Looking Down -- YAY!

2009-02-12T21:32:00.003-06:00

I have finally broke the 99 degree mark. I hit 98.7 early this morning and I did a half jump (then followed by alot of coughing). It was like I was Doc Brown in 'Ba.ck To Th.e Fu.ture' --"88 miles per hour!" but of course it was 98.7 degrees and not speed, but close enough, you get my point! The important thing to take away from this is that I am now holding under 99 and not my stupid attempt at jokes.
LOL, yes, the flu has gotten to my brain, along with being couped up in this house. I love this house, but I'm sick of these walls. I try to get up and do things, but I'm just spent after about 5 minutes. The thought of even climbing the stairs to check on the kilns from this weekend wears me out. I ran by Jodie's earlier to drop off a purse & some beads, and just the few minutes I spoke with her, Jill and her mom were awesome! Human interaction. Oh man, that is just sad.
It honestly feels like all the energy is being drained from my toes and finger tips. I have none, I'm trying to will myself better, I'm not eating crap, I'm sleeping more than a human should, but still I'm so weak. The flu sucks.

Okay, seriously, I took some picture frames out of the closet to see what size prints I need to make, and that wore me out. I'm going to crash on the couch and I hope to make it to work tomorrow. Later...

F'in Flu

2009-02-11T16:20:00.002-06:00

Yes, I have it, the flu has hit this house. This place is one big germ right now and I just want to walk around with a can of disinfectant and hit every surface.
Last night the chills and body aches set in. I forgot how horrible those were. My temp reached 102.5 last night, that broke about 2 am, but never really dropped below 99. I have taken 'fever reducer' ever 4 to 6 hours and I cannot get it below 99.0 degrees. CANNOT. It is killing me b/c I know every time I see that number, that means a minimum of another 24 hours I have to stay out of work. My new management has been cool about it, they understand, but basically I'm using vacation right now, which sucks, but a necessary evil.
I sent the boys off to daycare this morning, I don't think I should have been driving (or drive again to pick them up), but they really needed to get out and get some exercise. It is funny though, I really miss them; I hated taking a nap without them today, the house seems so quiet. I want my babies back. LOL
Okay, I'm going to try to do some dishes. It might take me 2 hours, but I'm going to attempt it. The look of this house is making me even more sick, it really is kinda gross right now --not LOL.

My Brody Dog

2009-02-10T17:02:00.004-06:00

I read an article the other day about how dogs can become so in-tune with their owners that they can even detect if they have cancer, about to have a seizure, or even low blood sugar. Luckily, I don't have any of those, but they can tell when I'm just not feeling well. Last night I had one of those cleansing cries, the kind that you cry over stuff that has happened since your last good cry, you know:
-the economy sucks
-scared about the new job
-stubbed my toe last week
-feeling horrible about a friend's loss
-worrying about missing so many days at your new job
-etc
I was crying HARD, which made me more snotty than I already was, which made me feel even worse, etc. Well, as I was bawling away, Brody quietly jumped up on the bed, laid down next to me and just let me know he was there for me. That made me cry even harder. Brody and I have been together for 6.5 years, we know each other well, and at that moment he knew i needed some love and he gave it to me without asking for anything in return. That freakin dog rocks.
(and as I type this, he is at my feet, under the desk, loyal as ever)

WTF

2009-02-09T12:21:00.002-06:00

So, this post was suppose to me ranting about why in the hell I gained .6 lbs this week and didn't loose after all the walking and gym going and eating well I did. But you know, I'm just damn happy that i did all those things, and b/c in the end, that is what will make my heart better and the weight will drop off eventually.
And I am craving a hot choc from Star.bucks sooo bad and I started to justify it in my head-
1)you are sick, it will make you feel better
2) it is that time of the month, it will make you feel better
3) you ate well all week it didn't seemed to help, so go for it, it will make you feel better.

there you have it, the inner workings of Nicole's mind. Scary place huh?

Not So Alone...

2009-02-07T09:05:00.002-06:00

Jodie texts me last night and said "Go read 'The Life of L'". I was all snuggled up on the couch with Sammy, so I didn't call it up until this morning.
I sat here reading it with my jaw hitting the table. She is writing about the VERY struggles I deal with everyday. Scary when you read the words of the emotions you are feeling. It is also comforting in a strange way knowing that I am not alone in this world feeling these things, that I'm not so weak or lost like I feel most days.
I think I'm going to head up to the studio and turn these feelings into art...

(and 'thank you' to Jodie who knows me well enough to point me in the right direction, even if they aren't her own words)

Large Black Dog for Sale

2009-02-06T03:15:00.003-06:00

Yes, it IS 3:15am and I am blogging. Would anyone like a large black dog? Free! Actually, I would pay you right about now to take him.
Okay, this is the story...
I have (another f'in) sinus infection, and I received some really good drugs from the doc. It hit me earlier that the last time I had drugs to drain like this, my eye got infected (see here), well, I have been up all night panicking that every time I fall asleep my eye is getting infected and I have to wipe it down with a wet cloth. So, needless to say, I have had crappy sleep.
Oh yeah, so speaking of crap, that is where that black dog comes in. So, I'm tossing and turning, wiping my eyes every 5 minutes and I smell something. Am I really smelling that or am I just hallucinating from lack of sleep? Nope, I smell it.
Now, before you pick up your new dog, let me share a little fact about him, he likes to walk and poo at the same time. He will 99.9999% of the time do this outside, but tonight(@2:15 am) he decided to do it down the little hall way in my bedroom. And I as I go investigate what the smell is (without turning on lights), I walk down that hallway...
yes, folks, i'm going to leave the dirty (very &#$*%@^ disgusting, I'm going to beat the rest of the crap that is in you out of you, I did not just do that, ohmygosh I can't walk anywhere, I'm going to cry where I'm standing) details out...
So, who wants a black dog?

Weekend Review

2009-02-02T09:48:00.003-06:00

What a fun weekend I had. It was filled with some time in the Studio and lots of time with friends.
On Saturday, I took the boys for a walk, ran a few errands, hit the studio for a few (yeah, that piece didn't come out) and then went to Matteo's first birthday party. Had a blast. It was fun to see all the kiddos trying to walk around and playing and eating cake and just having fun. It could not have been a better day outside; it was perfect weather to sit outside on Carolyn's porch and listen to all the laughter. My eating was pretty good as well. I did have some cake and ice cream, but I didn't go over the top. I could have done much worse, but I'm sure I could have done better too. I was at her house for a while, and I closed my day out with some TV and going to bed early (I'm such an old person--LOL).

On Sunday, I started the day with another walk with the boys, it was way more humid than the day before and the boys were hurting once we got home. Brody was doing his flip-flopping on the tile trying to cool down. I made a yummo breakfast, did some cleaning and then ended up falling alseep for a few hours. I woke up in time to get a shower and get over to Mel's house for the Super Bowl. At their house, I was not as good with my eating. I wasn't too smart going over to their house hungry, but also curse those people for making good food. I am proud of myself for not getting the Ranger Cookies that I had in our grocery basket, I put them back at the last minute. As I was getting ready for bed last night, I was thinking that I know I would have had at least 5 of those cookies--they are just THAT good, and I was in a munchy mood last night, it would not have been pretty. Anyway, we had a great time watching the Super Bowl and commercials, oh and that other show on ABC, we laughed and laughed and laughed. It was just so nice to hang out. (I really miss everyone).

I want to talk about WOEing, but I'll start a new post for that...

Dog Lady

2009-01-29T22:00:00.007-06:00

I have been called a handful of things over my 35 years, but I think a new name has found me: 'lost dog women'
so, I was taking the dogs for our usual walk tonight and just as we were rounding the back side of our walk, a dog runs across the street and then stops to look at my boys. As you well know my boys were having none of a dog just standing in front of them, they started to go nuts. The dog backed up, but my boys still wanted to 'see him'. As I was dragging the boys to move on, I saw that the dog had a collar, but I kept moving, I wouldn't chance Brody getting too near. As I moved down the street, a wave of guilt came over me--another lost dog. Sigh. I was coming up to Danny's house and I told myself that if he was home, I would see if he could watch the boys while I went back to see if I could find that dog. Danny's house was dark, but he was home. So, I ring the door bell, he comes to the door with a shocked look on his face. I explain to him what is going on, ask him if I can leave the boys in his backyard, borrow a flashlight, I take Brody's leash and set out to find this dog.
I hightail it back to where the dog was. I'm whistling and making kissing sounds trying to weed him out. No luck. I go further down the street, and I find him... he was safely back behind an iron fence, he had just gotten out of his yard, his mommy and daddy found him. As I walk back to Danny's house, I feel good about going back after the dog, there was no way I would have been able to sleep tonight if I knew I had left that dog out there. I arrive back at Danny's, I collect my dogs and I continue my walk...

4lbs

2009-01-26T14:56:00.001-06:00

Am I disappointed in myself? Yes
Will I dwell on it? No
Should I make an appointment for the therapist? Yes
Will I do better this week? Yes

The Weekend is Over Already?

2009-01-25T20:35:00.005-06:00

Okay, will someone please explain to me where this weekend went? I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, I still have some things to do around here.

This weekend was pretty good, quiet. All my peeps blew me off though, I declared Saturday an art day, but I was all alone up in the studio :(
It is okay, I understand that folks have things going on, I definitely don't expect everyone to come running cause I called an art day. LOL.
My art day started pretty good, I finally took pictures of a failure that I had in the kiln earlier in the week and posted them to a board to ask some opinions. I'm such a glass geek--I was so excited when folks jumped on it and gave me some great advice. I had some of THE BEST glass artists in North American answering my questions--it just doesn't get better than that. I then headed up to the studio. I was trying to cut an oval and was having ZERO luck, I was getting so frustrated that I switched to creating another strip plate. I can kick some serious butt now on cutting strips. Sorry Mel, you're fired. LOL. I also created a few pendants that are soooo cute that I want to wear all of them at the same time and I made another plate from some glass that was purchased in Austin during Girls Weekend. LOVE ALL OF IT.
I really need to get all the glass up there organized, it was driving me a little nuts seeing what I did and did not have. And I also realized that I need to order some larger sheets of glass too.

My weekend ended with Metro coming over and helping me finish up the living room painting. I couldn't get up in peaks of the walls, he brought his huge ladder over and got up there for me. It looks awesome, no more 5" border by the top where the paint ended. I really should paint the guest rooms and the office, but I have zero desire to do so. I know it would look so good if I did, but I will have to talk myself into that during another weekend.

As for Cracking, I did not have a very good week. For some reason, if it wasn't glued down it went right into the pie hole. I don't know if it is b/c I'm feeling a little sick, or I just have zero will power. I have decided to do week 3 over, I'm just going to put this one behind me and keep moving forward. That is the only thing I can do now, just need to learn from it.
I was talking to my dad this weekend, and he received the death certificates from my mom that we had to re-order for some stuff that he is trying to do. He said it was really hard to see them and there were 5 items listed for the cause of death. The 'top' cause was obesity. Ouch. When he said that it felt like a knife in my gut. He quickly changed the subject after that, I could tell he was getting upset. After I hung up with him, I just stared at my tattoo for about 5 minutes. I have become used to the tattoo and I don't notice anymore, and I can't let that happen. I need to look down at it daily to remind myself that I need to get heart healthy.

Oh! Speaking of heart health, I got an email from the Galveston art people asking for me to donate a piece of art to the Galveston chapter of the American Heart Association for a silent auction. Oh hell yes am I going to participate! I'm excited about it. I need to think of something good for it.

Well, that is about it for this weekend. I hope to have a more focused week eating, work and studio wise this week. Send me positive vibes.

Lost Dog

2009-01-23T10:21:00.002-06:00

Last night about o'dark-hundred Brody started barking at something that was outside, there was no way that Samson could be refrained from checking out what Brody was barking at--soon, both of them were going nuts. I rolled over, buried my head, cursing them to shut the bloody hell up. They would settle down for a few, and then would start up again. This went on for hours last night. Yes, I am grumpy.
This morning, when I was making my eggs, they started going nuts at the side door again. This time I pushed them both out the way to see what in the world was going on. Just as I approached the door, I saw a dog running from my carport down the street. My heart broke.
I instantly grabbed my phone and went outside, I had caught a glimpse of a collar. She instinctively ran away from me, tail between her legs, her body squatted down and she was limping horribly. Uggg, my heart was breaking more. I ran back inside, got some 'cookies' and went over by the car port to see where she had slept. There was a nice pile of dog hair all curled up between my car and the garage door. How sad was that. I then went down the street towards the cul-de-sac with my 'cookies', 'treats', 'bones', 'snacks' (I was trying every name in the book) to get her to come over to me. No luck. Just as I was about to turn back and get the number of animal control, a neighbor pulled up next to me asking if that was my dog.
nb: "no, found her this morning under my carport, trying to get her tag id"
neighbor 1: "I saw her last night when I got home from work, she was limping bad"
nb: "yeah, she is really hurt. I'm about to call Animal Control"
neighbor 1: "good luck"
nb: thinking to herself--"really, you saw her last night and didn't do anything about it. jerk"
I went back inside, hoping that she wouldn't run the other direction down the street, and got the phone number. I left them a message, but they also said you can call the LC police (press #1 now), so I did that and got a dispatch gal. She was very nice, took all my info and said they would send a guy out there ASAP. Just as I was hanging up with her, the dog started to walk back down towards me. She started barking again when I was trying to approach her. At that point, other dogs in the 'hood started to go crazy too, followed by my white trash neighbor flying out of his front door shouting every cuss word possible about all the dogs barking. I just look at him and then tell him what is going on. He cusses a few more times, turns around and slams his door.
nb: asshole
the dog lays down in a drive way a few houses over, I feel as if she wasn't going anywhere, so I ran in the house finishing getting all my stuff together for work. As I was walking in the house, I was like 'so help me if Brody ate my eggs'. He hadn't, they were still sitting on the counter, but now very cold. I finished packing, got everything ready, grabbed my eggs and went back outside. I saw a 'city official' truck at the house next to mine, just across the street, I thought that was the animal guy, so I walked over there. He was the water guy, but he told me he had seen some posters on the other side of the subdivision and he went down the street to see if he could get the dog. I was a little ticked that he tried to go after her cause I knew the AC guys were on the way, but what could I do.
He chased her to a fence and then he started to walk out with her following him. I had no clue how he did it, but he almost had her in his truck. She then took off down the street out of the cul-de-sac. UGGGG, wrong way butt-head. Just as she was running by my house, the wife of the White Trash came out and was yelling about what was going on. Really lady? it is now 8:30, get your ass up and go to work. She then tells me that she saw that dog last night too, but didn't do anything about it. Niiiice. A few months back, both of her dogs got out, I rounded them up and got them back over to her. So glad that you 'pay it forward'.
As I was staring her down with daggers, the AC guy pulled up and chased her down and got her. I let out a huge sigh, was thankful that I did something good, and headed to work. Before I left the subdivision, I decided to see if I could find some of those posters. I was able to locate one and I called the number on it.
The guy was very interested that I had seen her. I had to tell him that I called AC on the dog, but he wasn't mad at all, he appreciated what I had done. I also told him that she looked hurt, and he was very concerned about that. He couldn't thank me enough and said he was going straight over to LC animal shelter to pick her up.
I just drove to work with a HUGE smile on my face knowing that I made someones day better by helping to his dog. But waves of anger and sadness would crash over me now and again at the thought that NOBODY helped this dog. That they saw she was hurt and they just rushed into their homes discarding her. The thought that Sammy, or Brody, or Brady, or Aussie, or G-Man, or Thumper of being hurt and lost and no one caring just kills me. I ache at the thought.
So, the lesson of the day... please help a stray dog with at least a phone call to the Animal Shelter or to me and I'll take care of it.

The Ick Caught Up with Me

2009-01-20T15:55:00.002-06:00

I got the ick. I hope I don't have it too bad. I have been gloating that I didn't get sick after Chicago b/c I've been taking care of myself, but I guess I couldn't out run the January Crud.
I felt horrible this morning, but as the day went on (and a very long hot shower), I'm feeling better. It is all in my sinuses and drainage (I would like to drill a hole in my forehead).

I also scummed to comfort food today. I really wanted just oatmeal this morning, so that is what I had, no protein, but that is okay, one day is not going to kill me.

On another note, I was able to watch all the Inaugural coverage from the comfort of my couch--it was really cool to see. Not that I'm all up in politics or anything, but to see our country's history and traditions in action was pretty darn cool. As they were showing the capital, I couldn't help think of the 'family' trip we took last spring and how much fun we had. DC is really a cool place to visit and tour and you could just see the excitement of all the people there waiting to see the new president. This country truly is THE BEST place to live and I'm glad I got to watch all that today (even if I felt poo like).

3 Day Weekend is Over :(

2009-01-19T20:52:00.004-06:00

I had a very productive weekend and I'm very happy with what I completed. I got the hallways painted and my master bedroom (had to finish cutting in), but the living room, up by the peaks are still unfinished (booo). Scaffolding or something might need to be called in to finish things up. I truly forgot how much I hated to paint, but it was clear to me Sunday morning when I felt like I was hit by a truck. It must have been a good workout, cause my tush hurt, my arms, my back, etc. I'm getting too old. LOL

On Sunday, I went to go see Matthew Venditti, he is soooo cute! Chrissy and John are glowing parents, it was fun to watch them beam over him. Chrissy was hurting, so I hope she feels better soon. I've been watching Brady for them (their dog); he cracks me up cause he just goats Samson. Today I was in the studio and Brady would go behind the walls and it would drive Samson crazy cause he couldn't figure out where he was or where he was going next. Samson is such a goof ball, he would look at me with those silly eyes and I could tell he wanted me to tell Brady to stop, but I would just encourage him more and it would start all over. LOL

I also got out and did a few errands, followed up by two miles out at the small trail. I have no clue what is going on, but my hip hurts soooooo bad. It feels really deep in my hip and it bothered me after the Pumpkin Run in Oct too, but I think it is worse this time. I was walking into my bedroom earlier and I noticed that I was limping (bad) and I had to stop to realize what I was really doing, it scared me to be honest. I'm moving like Brody. (semi-LOL). I guess I need to call Miracle Max up (Oh! I have insurance again! YAY!) and see if he can work his mojo on me. I really want to do the OKC 1/2 in April with Jodie's family, and if I'm hurt after 2 miles on day 1 of training, I'm in big trouble. BIG TROUBLE!

Oh! it is 9:00! New episodes of Paranormal State are on. Time to be scared out of my gourd!

Fatal Error

2009-01-16T10:11:00.003-06:00

So, I made a fatal error this morning...
I had put my scale on the top shelf of my closet, vowing that I'd only take it down on weigh-in days. I have been good for the last 3 days, until this morning. I was thinking about my 'going to 4N' lunch today and what I was going to eat; I wanted to know what my progress was to give me a boost into staying on course--WHATEVER! I was up 1.3 from my weigh-in on Monday. I know the body goes thru ups and downs, but that is not what I needed to see. Ugg, I'm stressing over it now. Dumb, stupid, idiot move I did.

Like Clock Work...

2009-01-15T12:38:00.004-06:00

I am so predictable. It started yesterday at work, bothered me on the way home and right about dinner time, it happened...The Great Diet Panic!

As I was preparing dinner and trying to bring myself back down, I ran into the office, called up my blog and looked back, yup, it was about this time into when I started this path to be healthy that I freaked out. Why do I do this? What is it about the progress that makes me so afraid? That I will actually make it this time? That I won't have anything to bitch about anymore? LOL. I think this freak out was because I was worried I wasn't following the program correctly. I really wanted to stick with it and get the most out of it that I could, and not do it half ass. I re-read week 2 in the book and I started to question every little thing and it snow-balled out of control. Poof, Nicole in full freak out mode! I was trying to bring myself back down by saying things like "even if you are doing this half-ass, you are still doing something, so that is okay" or "you'll have your friends even if you fail again". What is that shit. That was making me feel worse and those were MY thoughts.
I swear, it is like I'm banging my head against the wall. When am I going to learn that this is my life, and only I can change it. My friends/family are my co-pilots and can help me navigate the pitfalls, but I'm the one really in control. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS NOW NICOLE! I'm a freakin' broken record. E N O U G H.

On a completely different note, I have been trying to wear a necklace everyday. It is weird and I'm trying to get used to it, but I think if I'm going to create them, I should wear them too! Right? I'm trying to do the lipstick thing too, but for some reason, that is just much harder for me.

Cucumbers, Great Dane Paws and Controlled Access...

2009-01-14T12:31:00.003-06:00

...these are the random thoughts of Nicole today.

Cucumbers: I forgot how much I like them. For a while I had to stop eating them cause I would be burping them up for hours, but for some reason, my system likes them again. I have been putting them on my salad and I have been putting more and more on each passing day when I realize they aren't haunting me all afternoon! Yay to cucumbers!

Great Dane Paws: That damn Samson! I swear he waits for me fall asleep and then he jumps on the bed. Sometimes I feel it, but most of the time he is sneaky enough to get out there without me noticing. One morning last week, I woke up he was at the foot of the bed with a look on his face like "ha! you didn't even know I was here!" (and I didn't). However, last night he decided that it was cold and he curled up next to me (didn't know he was there--YET), and at some point in the night, he didn't want to be curled up anymore, so he decided to un-curl and threw his legs right into me--I then knew he was there. Damn dog, woke me up from a deep sleep. I was so mad and I kicked him off, but he waited again until I fell asleep and the cycle started over...

Controlled Access: So today I was taught a lesson in Gov't paper work. For the last 12+ years, I have taken for granted that I had a picture badge and had access to the places where I needed to go, but now, I have a paper badge with my license and have ZERO access. I'm working console today and needed to get into mission control. I went like a good girl to security to get access, but after a looong wait, I realized that it would just not be happening today. I then took my paper NASA badge, my dignity and crashed Carolyn's staff meeting to ask(/beg) for someone to walk over to console with me and let me in the damn door. (of course, later, carolyn asked me why I just didn't get one of the other backroom people to let me in--I don't know, I don't think of those things!). I'll be back at security today to finish things up--fun for me.

Other items:
Cracking is going well. I can already tell a difference in my body--I'm not bloated and ick. I am also noticing that I am getting fuller with each meal, and that I need to cut back the size of my portions (never thought I'd do that). Oh! Crack funny! I get to have 2 carbs today before 3pm. I knew my first one was going to be EZ bread this mo with my eggs, but I couldn't decide on my second one. How could I NOT pick a carb--good lordy, all I have been doing for the last week is DREAM of carbs, and I didn't know what I wanted. Nothing that I had prepped the other night really worked with another carb, so I had to be creative. I thew some black beans (1/2 cup to be exact) in my salad. I'm eating it right now and it YUMMMMOO. I love the flavor and the texture that it is giving. I'll have to keep that on my list of tricks for the future.

I need to jump back into the glass studio. I don't know why I feel like I'm avoiding that place. I really enjoyed being up there before x-mas, and the ideas were flowing. Maybe I need to kidnap Jodie and just put her up there for an afternoon and see if that gets the creative juices flowing again. LOL.

I have been taking the dogs for walks in the morning and in the evenings over the last few days. They love it and I learned that if I walk in the street, far enough away from the grass, the dogs won't sniff and I can book it and get my heart rate up. Last night I did this, and Brody looked over his shoulder like "what the hell lady, I'm trotting just to keep the required distance in front of you, take it easy"
The were huffing by the time we got home. Good, Brody has been getting a little thick in the gut over the years, he can work some of that off. Samson was showing me his boney butt wondering why I was pushing him. LOL. Huh, maybe the paws in my back lastnight were payback...

Proud!

2009-01-11T20:21:00.005-06:00

Do you have those days that you just wake up with a mental list and when you complete that list plus some it feels sooooo freakin' good! I had one of those days! I am so 'proud' of myself. LOL.

My day started with Travis coming over and fixing my electrical problem to the dishwasher. Yeah he found the same problem people have been telling me over the years--I had a screw loose! Oh well, $235 later, what am I going to do... cry, that is what I'm going to do. On the other hand, my princess self is in full bloom again, and I have that thing filled up and running damn it! How did I ever live without it. (Dish-pan hands suck)

I then borrowed Jodie's Sam's card and hit that place pretty good. I had ONE item that I was determined to get, yeah, you guessed it, I forgot it. I wanted really nice plastic food container things. I was going to be one step closer to being just like Jodie. Oh well, I guess I will have to wait.
I then hit Wal-Mart, got a few things there, some food for the week and some glue to try out a really cool technique the girls learned on their trip to Austin.
At 3, I headed over to Carolyn's and let the boys play for a while with Aussie and his two friends that were staying with him. They had a blast. They are currently out cold on the floor of the office, I love it when they are at my feet.
After I got home from Carolyn's I grilled out some steak, made some broccoli and celebrated my last freakin' day of carb deplete. Heaven help me, I did it! I went a whole week, per the plan, meal by freakin' meal. I am so excited for toast tomorrow. You have NO idea.
Once dinner was over, I started to cut veggies and cooked some other items for breakfast/lunch this week. I was so happy just preparing food in the kitchen. All natural stuff, nothing coming from a can or is blah brown. There were pretty greens of cucumbers & lettuce, huge mushrooms and fresh chicken. Again, I loved it and I had fun. My lunch is all packed for tomorrow and I have dinner practically ready as well.
I cleaned up from all that, carried a whole load out to the recycle bin, washed my face and sat down to write all of this.
I am actually looking forward to weigh-in tomorrow, see how I did for the week. I hope once I have some carbs, my energy level will increase some and i can hit the gym this week. I would like to start running again and maybe do some strength training. I hate the thought of paying for the gym and not using it. (I now measure $s in the amount of glass or the fun tools I can buy. The thought of that $235 going out the door because of a freakin' loose screw really chaps my tush. Okay, I'm moving on...)

Oh! I saw my therapist on Thursday. I forgot how much she really helps me. Not that blogging doesn't feel good either, it is just that she really tells me to pull my head out of my ass. Jodie and Sandy do the same, but it is different when it comes from her. She gave me some homework to do which involves going outside my comfort zone--I think leaving bld 35 and starting a new job is enough for me for the next month or so!

Oh Oh! I had a great first week of work. Things are very different in the CS world vs the contractor world. It will be an adjustment, but I think I have alot to offer coming from the contractor world and can see things from different sides. And the emails that I get. Man, there are alot of perks that the CS's get that the contractors never know about. Like causeway passes for launches! Contractors can be in the car, but cannot be holding or using the pass. I'm thinking road trip in the future!

final thought for the night...
Note to self: Do not ride in the car when either Kim or Sandy are driving! I found out that I don't have insurance for another week. I was shocked to say the least and have been watching for falling objects and sharp edges (yeah, don't go to the studio).

good night friends. Hugs to all of you. (Even those who hate them (you know who you are)).

Day 2.5 of Carb Deplete... I'm Still Going...

2009-01-07T12:33:00.003-06:00

Would I love a small bag of M&M's (they are in the branch office), or a handful of Rollo's (in Lisa's office) or a sucker (about 5 feet to the left of me), Yes, I would love to be chowing on all of those, but it is not worth it. I really like Jill's plan (Jodie's sister) of paying herself $50 a week by meeting some minimum goals. I'm just thinking of how much fun I would have shopping when I get to take it out of the piggy bank. So, M&M's, Rollo's and a sucker is not worth $50 to me. I just now have to think of goals for each week to earn the $50. I think vacuuming should be high on the list! LOL
I also am going to redo the right side of the blog for my weight loss. I like being held accountable for things. I have changed my weigh in date from Wednesday to Mondays. It was really hard to weigh in during the middle of the week, but have each food week start over on a Monday. I don't want shift the food schedule over b/c then my 'cheat' days don't fall on a Saturday. So confusing I tell ya.

The new job is going well. I feel like I'm sitting in the wrong seat, like I'm a stranger in a strange land. Things are different over here in 4N as compared to 35. I do have a window, so that makes it really nice. I'm the new IM weather girl--reporting to those who still are stuck in a windowless building. It is a amazing how much natural sunlight makes your day better. I still have not unpacked my boxes yet, I've been picking things out of them as I need it. I need to re-arrange a few things too, I don't like where my CPU is or my phone, I need to move them over to the other side of the hutch, that will be a big pain in the tush, so I've been avoiding that. I am very lucky that I know my office mate from 'way back when', and he has been very kind to me.

Lunch is now over, so I'm going to wrap it up here, put my salad bowl away and get ready for a meeting. later...

2009

2009-01-04T21:06:00.005-06:00

So, it has been exactly one month since I have posted to my blog. How sad. The only excuse I have is pure laziness.

I cannot believe that it is 2009. Where did 2008 go? (didn't I say that about 2007 too?)
I have so many thoughts going into this year, but most of them are repeats of the last 15 years, give or take a few, and I'm not going to write out the 'woe is me' list again, I'm tired of all the complaining.

I do however want to point a few things out that I have noticed...
1) I love my family, but I could never live within driving distance of them.

2) I love my friends; without them, I could not survive.

3) Kelli is becoming a young women and even though I have always loved being around her, I now enjoy her 'young-adult' company. She is fun to hangout with, get Starbucks with, manicures, go shopping, see movies, etc. We are becoming more friends and I love it.

4) I wish I had an ounce of Caitlyn's free spirit. If a 4 year old in 2009 can be a flower child, then that is what she is. That girl has zero fear (both a good and a bad thing), she can make you laugh until you pee in your pants and she just oozes love & sunshine. I just want to eat her up! LOL

5) I want to create art that people 'must have that in their house'. There are pieces of art that I see that are way out of my league, and I go home and just dream about them. I would love to have someone do that with something that I create. I need to push my creativity and go for it.

6) Just have fun with it, life is too damn short.

Oh! I start my new job tomorrow. Nervous and excited. I'll keep you guys informed.
I am also starting "Crack the Fat Loss Code" again tomorrow. After all the crap eating I've been doing over the holidays and a few weeks before that, I feel awful. I can't wait to cleanse myself of the ick that is in my body. GGGGROSS.

I can't decide if I'm going to keep up the right side of the blog with weight loss and such. I'm not sure if that helps or not. If I do, I think I'm going to start at tomorrow's weight as the baseline and go from there, don't count what I lost (and found) last year. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Words from Caitlyn: Peace!

More Addictive Than Crack

2008-12-04T15:14:00.002-06:00

So, I saw a commerical for a new Ninento DS game titled 'Mystery Case Files: MillionHeir', and it looked fun, so I bought it. OHMYGOSH. It is the most fun game EVER made for the DS.
I would write more, but I need to get back to my game... LOL

What I Did Over Thanksgiving Vacation

2008-12-01T21:07:00.007-06:00

So, I think I mentioned earlier that I had a list taped to the refrig. I started some of this stuff last week, but I really went to town on it during the holiday weekend. I'm kinda bummed that I didn't finish all of it, but I did do a bunch.

Here are my new knobs in the kitchen:

very scary drilling holes in nice cherry cabinets!

A pic of the living room with the new Flor rug (how cute is that) and the curtains in the background.

Oh and happy 'house day'... it is one year ago today that I moved into the best place on the planet. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

How Cute is My Blog

2008-11-25T14:19:00.000-06:00

Thank you Jodie for updating my blog 'look'!

This and That Kind of Day

2008-11-24T22:24:00.003-06:00

I hit the gym today! I can't believe it. I had to dust off my gym card so they could scan it. LOL.

I felt really good after going, I need to do that more often.

Jodie came over and we worked in the studio for a while, she designed some pendants and I worked on my strip plate, I really want to finish that up this weekend. I'll post some pictures when I do.

Oh! and how do I manage to get up out of bed some days and function? Sometimes I wonder where my head is. So, I have this huge gash in one of my cabinet doors, I look at it every morning and every night and it drives me nuts. I hate how it looks. So tonight I was looking at it again and thinking about the handles that I'm going to put on this weekend, and it hit me! Just switch cabinet doors with the far one, and turn it upside down (they are opposite sides of the cabinet)--DUH! And so I grabbed the foot stool, and the cordless screw driver and vola! I'm not staring at a gash in my door any more--and I didn't think of this 11.5 months ago when I moved in!?!? So I say again, how do I function some days? LOL.

Productive Weekend!

2008-11-23T20:36:00.004-06:00

Man, I can't remember the last time I had such a productive weekend.
My weekend started Friday night, I headed over to the Rhodes house after I picked up the boys from day care. Bryan grabbed my fire pit and made a fire so we could cook some hot dogs and s'mores. It was awesome to sit outside all bundled up in front of the fire. I hung out with Bryan and Max for a bit outside and then I went in once they started to talk about football. Jodie and Mel ended up telling the same stories about x-mas decorations and other stuff that the boys were telling outside. I guess that is a sign that you are in sync with your partner--it was kinda cool. After a fun night of being with friends, I headed home. It was way cold in the house, so I closed all the windows and went to bed. The boys both went to their beds, and curled up so tight because they were so cold. I couldn't help but to snap these shots after I threw a blanket on them:

On Saturday morning, I made a list, taped it to my frig and started marking things off. It is so satisfying to get stuff done. I did some yard work, bought some new plants to fill in the empty spot in the front, killed some weeds, cleaned up some, had Travis come over and hang up new lights in the kiln room. Holy moly did that make the biggest difference, i can actually load the kilns at night now and see what I'm doing. LOL. I'm very much looking forward to the 4 day weekend coming up, I still have a pretty long list of things hanging on my frig, my goal is to get them all done.

As I was doing all this stuff this weekend, I can't believe that I will have been in this house for a year next week. What a year it has been. And you know what? I love this house even more now than I did when I moved in. It was the perfect thing to do and it still amazes me that it all worked out last year.

Conversations with Mom

2008-11-20T22:30:00.007-06:00

For the last couple of weeks, I've been having these mini conversations in my head with my mom. Yes, we all know I'm crazy, but I hope I haven't really gone over the deep end. I've been feeling a little icky lately and I've been having these 'talks' as I'm falling asleep or waking up. I usually get sad when I have dreams of my mom, but these talks have been good. Here is a glimpse...

Mom: Nicole, can you believe you are going to be WORKING FOR NASA!?! Not just AT NASA, but FOR them.
Nicole: No, I can't believe it, I never thought it would happen.
Mom: Have you called your aunt and uncle and told them?
Nicole: No, not yet
Mom: Don't you think you should. And tell them you moved too, I don't think they know that either.
Nicole: Yes mom.

Mom: Can you believe how big Kelli is? I know she broke your heart honey; you know you and your sister did the same thing to your dad...
Nicole: Yes, I know. And I now know exactly what dad always meant by it.
Mom: She still loves you.
Nicole: I know she does.

Mom: Samson is crazy
Nicole: I know, isn't it funny
Mom: Yes

Mom: Have you picked your new insurance yet
Nicole: No
Mom: Don't you think you need to do that. NICOLE! you should have had that in weeks ago.
Nicole: I have time mom
Mom: Why do you ALWAYS wait until the last minute

Mom: how is your pregnant friend
Nicole: Which one, there are many of them
Mom: oh, I don't know. all of them.

Nicole: Mom, do I make you proud?
Mom: Everyday

I feel like I'm at a huge crossroad in my life with the new job and I just want to speak with her and just talk about everything and nothing. I have been thinking of the stupid things in life that she is missing out on. Like a DVR, she would have LOVED the DVR. It would be filled with all of her soaps. A cell phone, she would have loved showing pictures on it. The kids, she would do anything for those 3.
Okay, I'm crying. And I'm getting all snotty, so I'm calling it a night.

Controversy

2008-11-13T21:57:00.003-06:00

I guess my post last night caused some controversy. I never meant to; to be honest, it was my laziness that caused the post to be so short. While I was getting ready for bed last night I was thinking if I had done something in the past (this life or another) that karma was coming back and getting me for. I was really tired and I wanted to blog, but I also wanted to go to bed, so I just threw that question out there and hit my pillow. So here is the story...

I'm having my quarterly pity party and I just wondered if I was being taught some cosmic lesson -- that the two things that I can't achieve is losing weight and being in love. I am seeing the rest of my single friends fall in love (not many of us left) and I'm getting sad. I kinda feel as if I'm the last one picked for a team in jr. high. I'm getting all nervous just thinking about it. I have visions in my head of everyone on one side of the play ground and they are pointing at me laughing cause I'm standing alone, the odd (wo)man out.

I just wish I had someone to do even the mundane tasks of life with -- have a dinner conversation, wash dishes, walk the dogs, work on the yard, wash the car, fold clothes, etc. Just to have a companion in life. There are nights I come home from work and I find myself extremely lonely and it sucks.

So my friends, that was it, that is what I was thinking about when I asked about karma. I hope I'm a good person and don't have some bad mojo following me.

Just like every other night, I'm very tired, so I'm going to end it here, but I have so many topics that are floating around in my head:
-top annoyances
-my new job vs. food
-creative fear
-my dogs rock
-christmas with my dad
stay tuned...

Karma

2008-11-12T22:12:00.001-06:00

Do you believe in karma? I do.

The Recovery of Mr. Marbles

2008-11-12T10:12:00.004-06:00

The amber alert for Mr. Marbles has been canceled.
In a late night sting by the male members of the house, Mr. Marbles was caught trying to return to his cage in hopes of finding food. Although we have not had a comment from Mr. Marbles' owner, I'm sure Ms. Kelli is very happy to have her rodent back. An investigation as to how the daring escape happened is now underway and will be reported once the official report is made.

Amber Alert for Mr. Marbles

2008-11-11T22:35:00.003-06:00

News Alert!
Mr. Marbles, the hamster belonging to Ms. Kelli, is missing somewhere in the house. At this time, authorities do not know how he was able to escape, but droppings related to Mr. Marbles were found in various locations around the house. If you see Mr. Marbles, do not approach him, call for backup and prepare for the full on assault by all members of the house to catch him. Going to the bathroom is recommended before approaching Mr. Marbles, uncontrollable laughter that might lead to pee pee accidents is a possibility as members of the family try to catch the fugitive rodent. Updates will be posted when news arrives...

I hate being a f'in food addict!

2008-11-10T21:50:00.002-06:00

Could you hear me screaming? I bet you could if you listened hard enough. I was screaming in pure frustration at my food addiction. For 35 years and a couple of weeks I've been fighting this thing and I hate it. I was doing so well, and then the hurricane and then and then and then--just all excuses. It is amazing the cycle I can find myself in; I can think about high school and college and early in my career and I can see the same patterns. I'm sitting on my bed just blogging away and I'm just shaking my head thinking of all the things that I've done wrong over the last few weeks. Last night I had dinner at Carolyn's and she introduced me to her neighbor. She was talking about how she was going to the 1/2 in SA this weekend. That just made me feel even worse since that was another goal I pissed away.

Okay, enough looking into the past. I need to look forward and take one moment at time.

I need to give a few shout outs to people and an awesome dog. Congrats to Sandy who came in 5th place in Viv's latest challenge. Yay you! Keep up the good work.

I mentioned earlier that I had dinner at Carolyn's. Well, she had a few dog people over and Brody met 3 new dogs. He was on his best behavior (we had a talk before we went--LOL). I was very, very proud of him. No growling, no curled lips, nada, nothing! He played very well, and when he was tired, he went off and laid by himself and didn't bother anyone else. I think I might over done my praise (if that is possible) cause he is super lovey with me. Tonight he curled up with me on the couch and he got an hour long belly rub and now he is on the bed with me as I blog. Just as I think he knows that I rescued him as a puppy, he also knows how much I was hurting when he bit that other dog. That options that were not in his favor were being thought about. I'm really glad I fought for him and decided to give him a quiet, stress free life with me. A young couple came to buy my old couch this weekend, they said it was okay if I let the dogs out. In the past, I would have let them say hello, but now I just told them that they were okay in the backyard and just kept going on with the sale. I don't need everyone to love Brody as much I as I love him and he is fine just looking at things from a distance. He is my first born and we'll be just fine with it being the two of us (and with Sammy).

I'm trying to fight this cold off, so I'm going to bed early. Sweet dreams friends. Love ya all!

Officially Official

2008-11-07T16:30:00.002-06:00

I recieved my 'contract' with NASA today. Ohmygosh to see it all in writing is very scary; it has my start date, my salary, vacation agreements, etc. It is real. 05Jan09 is THE date.
I'm very excited about doing something new. Most of you know that I'm a big chicken shit & a creature of habit, so for me to really pick up and leave the comfort of Bld 35 and my safe zone is a huge leap for me. More than half my day is now spent working on the new project and I learn more each day and enjoy meeting new people. Doing this project reminds me of my job ~11 years ago, when I was developing new ideas for how Station was going to work. And that all came together earlier this year when the international partners joined in and I saw my ideas and hard work flowing from country to country & then to onboard. It was a amazing. The thought of seeing these ideas that I am coming up with today fly to the moon and mars is getting me excited again about work.
I just wrote a letter to two of my programmers that I've worked with for the last 7+ years; they are great programmers and even more important great people; I began to tear up as I wrote them a note explaining where I was going. I also tear up at the thought of not seeing my posse of gals in the office everyday. Most of the time we communicate via IM, but every now and again we'll meet in an office and get detail of a story that IM just can't get across. I think I will miss the one girl, who at one time I didn't want to share an office with, the most for my day to day activities. I love how I can look past my monitor and say a quick word to Sandy and then keep going with my stuff.
I'm going to end this post here, I'm tearing up again...

Airline Seats and Reasons Why I Need to 'Stay the Course'

2008-11-02T08:12:00.004-06:00

How is it possibly Nov 2!!! It is incredible to think how fast this year went by. I always wondered what 'adults' meant when they say they years pass quicker the older you get--I now know.

Also a huge shout out to Caitlyn who is a whopping 4 years old today.

So I have to share another "wow, is this really happening" moment with you guys (sorry, had to throw a mid-west you guys in there). I will have to sadly admit that in the past my ass would have to be wedged into an airline seat. I was not to the point where I was spilling over to my neighbor, but it was definitely uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time. And then there was the seat belt--I would pray each time I would use it that it would fit over my belly. Well, I'm sure by now you know by my stories that you know that the opposite is true now. Yup, my butt fit in the seat with plenty to spare and the I had to tighten the seat belt. I can't decide if I love reliving these stories because I like the ending now, or if they are just so sad to think how bad things were before.

This all leads me to reasons why I need to 'stay the course' on the Way of Eating and continue marching to my goal weight AND maintaining it!

Reason 1:

Reason 2:

Reason 3:

Just the Fix I Needed

2008-10-28T21:51:00.003-05:00

So I've been thinking to myself how much I've been missing Paranormal State on Monday nights. Last night I noticed that my DVR was recording something, so I had to take a peek cause I wasn't sure what it was, well... there was a special hour long episode of PS on. OHMYGOSH I was so happy, but I was tired, so I decided I would watch it another night.
Today was a really long day, and the chic that was suppose to come look at my couch never showed up, that kinda ticked me off, so I decided I would get my fix, sit down and watch what was taped last night.
In the first 3 minutes, I was freaking out, I made Sammy jump up and lay across me. This was the most scary episode I have ever seen and my heart was racing and every noise was suspect, I was holding on to Samson so tight and I had to pause it a few times cause I was so scared, but it was just the fix I needed. Wonder when the next episode is!?!?!
I'm so going to bed...(or at least try too)

"It's A Major Award. I Won It"

2008-10-22T20:57:00.005-05:00

Can anyone name the movie?

So I had the 'Software of the Year' awards thingy today. All my peeps came out to support me, it was nice to see everyone there. I got to shake the JSC center director's hand and get my picture with him, but Jodie goosed him, so I guess that trumps me. LOL. As we were all leaving, it was commented that there was no cake--what was up with that, I wanted cake! So, once again, my girls did not disappoint, they called me downstairs from console (I was worried, I really thought that something was wrong), and they had a cupcake and a turtle cookie for me. Thanks girls, that is what I needed. All kidding aside, I was really honored to win that award; I know Scott, David and I have worked really hard on IPV and to know that it is flying and all over the world is pretty cool. What is even more cool is that I'm working on the next generation of the viewer for Constellation and even though I'm in meetings all day, I really do enjoy it.
Speaking of which, the new job is really in motion now. I've filled out paper work for security, NASA management has been asking about me and USA has been 'officially' told that they are pursuing a USA employee. I usually HATE change, I run from it, but this I'm so excited about. I'll keep you informed...

Week in Review

2008-10-19T20:48:00.004-05:00

Ohmygosh, this is one week that I won't forget anytime soon. I don't want to say that I want to wipe it off my calendar forever, there were some shinning moments, but there were also some very black moments. Let's see if I can recap...

Monday:
The week started out okay, nothing too exciting. I was a good day to get stuff done at work, my NASA boss had the day off because of the holiday, so I didn't have to deal with him. I did a major brain dump of all my knowledge of a program to my new backup and some newbies, oh and Sandy. I thought about it later that night and I was amazed by how much I really know. LOL, kind of funny to say since I've been doing it for 12.5 years.

Tuesday:
Had my marathon meeting at work about the new program, I enjoy them, but then again, they drain me. I ended my day with watching Lan, Jodie and Bryan had v-ball. Lan cracks me up--Bryan made Jodie a cake for her b-day and there were still candles on it, Lan made me light them 6 times so he could keep blowing them out. After that, we watched cartoons until his parents came home. Another successful night watching Lan!

Wednesday:
I started my day with dropping the dogs off at daycare--they were so excited. When I arrived, there was a 10mo old great dane girl, she was so cute and HUGE. Sammy and her took off and started playing with each other. I could have just stayed there all day!
I was on console that day, it was so-so. I'm so tired of console it is sad, I used to love going over to MCC, now I see it as a chore.
After work I went to pick up the dogs and headed home. And that is where my hell began... (I was going to recount the events, but I just can't, too difficult) the point of the story is that Brody bit the neighbor's dog and it was my & Brody's fault. The guilt was overwhelming, it still is.
I'm finding myself wanting to write about how I'm feeling and such, but I just can't. To be honest I really don't want the comments from others on it. I'm dealing with my family, the two things that are completely dependant on me and that are 100% loyal to me and love me unconditionally, something that I need desperately.

Thursday:
After a night of not sleeping, I dragged myself to work feeling horrible. But soon after arriving at work, I heard wonderful news... a close friend that has been wanting a kid for a while just found out she was preggers. I'm over the moon excited for her and I know she will be a great mom, she is always so good with all the kiddos.
I tried all day to keep it together, but I lost it at the end of the day, I had a full out, sob-fest in Carolyn's office. I honestly don't think I've cried that hard since my mom passed away. The thought of having to break up my 'family' and put Brody to sleep is overwhelming to me.
After I got home, I walked over to the neighbor's house to see how their dog was doing. He seems to be doing okay, which made me feel better, better enough to try to get some sleep that night.

Friday:
So glad the week was ending. Work was work, I got a lot done on IPV testing and made a list of the things that i needed to do for show on Saturday. Friday night I had dinner with some friends. Kevin & Bridget, John & Chrissy, Steve & Raquel and Tim--we all went to BJs and had a great time. Found out another friend of mine is peggers. The baby boom reminds me of the marriage boom of a few years ago--I guess that is the natural progression of life. Anywho, getting back to Friday dinner, I so needed that, i loved every moment of that dinner and just love those friends to death.

Saturday:
Woke up early, packed up the car and headed to do the charity art show. A co-worker of mine organized a breast cancer research show. I had some glass candle holders, glass pendants and some bracelets that Jodie help me put together. The show was small, but at the end of the day, The Komen foundation will receive ~$30 in proceeds from the sale of some items. I spent Saturday night watching some shows on the dvr and loving it.

Sunday:
Slept in late and then headed to the art show downtown. Ohmygosh did I need that. The weather was absolutely incredible today and I loved walking around the festival and taking in all the art. I freaking love art. LOVE IT. I love studying people's work, see what they do, the meaning behind it, everything. I hated going alone, but I guess that worked out best, cause I could go at my own pace and talk to the artists without bothering anyone else. I was at this one glass booth, and I was studying his work, and I saw that he had some incompatibly issues. His piece was for sale for $600, and all I could think of was the owner of that piece was going to be majorly pissed when it starts to fall. I really liked the fact that I can tell quality glass.
I ended the day with some doing some work outside in this awesome weather, and a dog walk.

Again, this week hads it ups with friends being preggers and lows with some family issues. There is so much more I want to write about, but I'm going to end it here and head to sleep. I have all these thoughts running thru my head, but I'm really finding it hard to express them all in words. And I want to share, I want to get them out, but just can't. good night.

Hanging @ the Rhodes' House

2008-10-12T19:16:00.004-05:00

I'm coming to you from the living room of the Rhodes' house. It is Jodie's bday on Tuesday so Bryan took her out tonight and I have a date with Lan. And my date fell asleep on me. LOL
I am counting the days, even minutes to when I see Kelli, Brendan & Caitlyn again, but I can't help to practice my Auntie Cole skills on Lan. I brought some really cool things for us to do tonight--a ginger bread spooky house kit and a pumpkin with templates and all the cutter thingys. We got about as far as the house making and then he wanted to take all the candy and go watch Tom & Jerry. Soon after, he handed me the candy bowl, put his head down and fell asleep -- oh well, I can continue the spoiling and having fun with Lan another night.

I still have not shipped off my scale to Jodie's house and still have not been able to keep myself off of it. And I'm NOT happy about the numbers that are looking back at me. I fell off the wagon, oh wait, I just didn't fall off, I jumped off and ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could. I have been eating like a piggo for the last 3 days; anything that I could get my hands on, it went in the old pie hole. I freakin' hate food. I HATE YOU FOOD.

So, I got tagged from Jodie to list 5 random things that you didn't know about me before...

1) When taking notes in college, if anyone wrote a note or doodle on a piece of paper of mine, I would freak out and have to re-write all my notes. They had to be on a clean piece of paper.

2) I won't pick up my new badge at work b/c I don't want to see my fat picture, I like my picture on my badge when I was 22.

3) In 8th grade I tried out for cheer leading, there were 10 spots and 11 girls tried out--I was the only one that didn't make it. Just another reason I'm on 'happy pills'.

4) Children really do scare me, but from a distance I enjoy watching them. It amazes me how they are little people with little personalities.

5) I always loved when my dad called me peanut, or my mom called me punky, or when Stacy would call me kiddo.

(ha, I responded Jodie--thhhllitttssstttt (that is me sticking my tongue out at you and making noises))

Black Pants

2008-10-10T13:39:00.005-05:00

Years ago (I start out alot like that, don't I?), I had a pair of black pants that were the most comfortable things on this planet. I loved them, loved the waist of them, the length of them, everything about them. I soon grew out of them cause my ass got too large, so I hung them up in the closet with dreams of wearing them again one day. Stop me if you heard this story before... LOL
I came across them last night and I went to put them on. I was pretty sure they were going to fit, but I still slow putting them on b/c I didn't want to be all sad. HELL YEAH THEY FIT! And I'm wearing them today and I swear there is an extra spring in my step b/c I'm so damn happy I have my favorite pair of pants back in my arsonal of clothes. YIPPEEEE

I have started to see my therapist again. She was hit hard by IKE, her office no longer exists in Seabrook--so sad. Her new office is in a room in the back of her house, she is trying to adjust, but like all recoveries around here, things are slow. Anywho, she could not believe her eyes when she saw me, she was shocked by the inches that I have lost. I honestly get embarrassed when people comment on it, it is one of those things that you like to hear, but then don't b/c you are reminded how much bigger you were before--I'm just full of contradictions. It was really nice to hear her comments b/c she really knows how much I'm struggling with all this weight stuff, getting over demons and trying to not to end up like my mother. Most of our conversation was on my continuing struggles and how there are times I can't believe my progress, and I had to confess my addiction to the scale and how I weigh dozens of times a day. I'm leading myself down the wrong path and quickly. She has sentenced my scale to two weeks at Jodie's house with a possible extension if I continue to be bad about it. I know this is for my own good, but I don't have to like it. My scale will be walked over to the Rhodes house tonight (after I weigh).

Perspective

2008-10-07T11:36:00.002-05:00

Perspective; \pər-ˈspek-tiv\; noun : the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.

This past weekend, I made a Home Depot run with the Rhodes family to get some stuff to repair the back fence; they also got some fertilizer and some mulch. While we were loading that stuff into the car, I looked to see how much the bags weighed. The fertilizer was a 30lb bag, all I could imagine as I heaved the bag up was that was 3lbs shy of where I am now. I was out of breath and my heart was racing after we were done loading and unloading that stuff... just a few months ago, my body was carrying that extra weight. So sad the constant strain that I put on my body every day with my extra weight.

Also this past weekend, I was preparing the brisket (~12lb) that I ended up taking over to Jodie's house on Saturday. Before I could even start cooking it, I had to cut all the excess fat off. When I took the beef out of the wrapper I saw that the under side of it had a thick layer of fat, it was nasty, so I cut and cut and cut until I couldn't cut anymore. I looked over at the grocery sack filled with this cut fat all I could think of is that is on my ass. That ~3lbs of fat takes up about 1/3 of a kroger bag. And how I've lost 9 times that amount--it is gross.

Last night, when Lan was over watching his dad and his papaw fix my fence, he would run by me and I would swoop him up and give him a razzy and then let him go again. We did this 3 or 4 times & each time he'd laugh louder and I would just hug him harder. The last time he was running towards me and I thought about how I have 'lost a Landon' in weight. I've lost the equivalent to that cute giggle, smelly piggies, bryan-resembling, bat-man loving kid. And that is incredible to me.

Yesterday I was called a liar, a bad person, someone who God will take care (and not in a nice way) and who is going straight to hell. And even though I know this guy is a little off center, you can't help but to take a mental inventory of your life and see if you really are this horrible person. I guess from his perspective I am. But I hope from the perspective of those I'm closest to that i'm not that person.

So, I guess life is all about perspective. I just hope I keep my perspective positive and don't let numbers on a scale or guilt after eating a cookie or crazy men that park their cars next to a fence during a hurricane get to me. Stay on task Nicole!

Samson Might Have Some Gray Matter After All

2008-10-03T13:55:00.003-05:00

This week has been cooler in the mornings, it has been great. I've have for 3 days in a row now gotten my tush out of bed and taken the dogs for a walk before the sun has come up. They have loved every second of it and it also makes them crash for a while in the morning & my guilt isn't so bad for leaving them at home all day. So, this morning the alarm goes off and I hear the dogs stir some, I hit the snooze. The alarm goes off again, this time I turn it off and the light on. Usually they are lazy and don't really move until I open the back door to let them out, but this morning they are all excited 'knowing' what is going to happen next. I throw some clothes, grab some socks and head to the living room where my shoes are. I was shocked at the next events. Samson runs over to my shoes and nudges them both with his nose to my direction telling me "put these on Mom, NOWWWW!!!" He was dancing around them like they were gold. He was cracking me up. We had a great walk, I think that I have to do that every morning now... which is fine, cause we all need it!

Oh, another story... Yesterday was my 'carb-up day' and I decided I was going to have wings from Firehouse Wings. It was the best meal I have ever had--or at least for this week. I was telling jodie about it, she was getting mad b/c it wasn't her day; she even asked me if I had gotten sick yet and I boasted about how I was feeling good and how yummy they were. Well, I never should have said anything... I ended up burping them up all night and had heartburn, but you know what? That will not stop me from eating them again next carb-up day! YUMMMOOOO.

I am SO CUTE!

2008-10-02T21:52:00.005-05:00

LOL
I spoke with Stacy tonight and she was making fun of me from last night, she said I sounded drunk--yeah, I was drunk with happiness...

So last night Jodie and I went shopping. We hit Avenue first; I knew I needed some jeans and some new tops, but I really was going after whatever they had. I really didn't know what size to tell Jodie to look for, so I guessed. I had to go back and look, but I talked about sizes on my 7/06/08 blog. I stated there that I was 2 almost 3 sizes down... well, guess what, my guess was right on and I am now THREE SIZES DOWN on my way to four!! I have to say that again, THREE SIZES DOWN! I'm shaking my head as I'm typing this. Jodie and I grabbed a ton of stuff and then the modeling began. We even had the two worker girls watching us. It was a blast, I even agreed to try on these funky pair of jeans--yes, Jo, you were right, they are very cute on me! I loved everything that I got and I want to wear it all right now, but unfortunately I can't--got a few sweaters that will have to wait until the weather gets ALOT cooler! But on the flip side, I'm going to look so cute in Chicago! After Avenue we made a quick peek into DSW, nothing really there so we headed over to Kohl's. We kinda went our separate ways for a few and then we met back up in shoes. I think we tried on every pair out there. I found some really cute boots and mary jane shoes that ohmygosh killed my feet today. Jodie found some really cute open back brown shoes--I might have to look into those when I return the devil shoes i wore today. For once I ended a shopping trip with all grins and not on the verge of tears b/c I was a moose trying to find something to wear. yay me!

I absolutely without a shadow of a doubt am happy with my progress. Slow and steady, that is how this race will be won. I know I'm at the same weight (actually 2.0 lbs less) that I was when I attempted to lose all my weight last time, but this time is so different. I'm not suffering, I'm not torturing myself trying to get to a small goal. I love this, and I know if I get my butt back into the gym that I will feel even better and become stronger too!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, thanks for the support!

A Picture of Mom

2008-10-01T14:33:00.004-05:00

With today being the first day of October, I changed my calendar over this morning. This month has pictures of the kids celebrating Halloween, there is one picture of Caitlyn in her princess costume, with a huge grin on her face. I keep catching the picture out of the corner of my eye and I think it is my mom; they are are so similar it is scary sometimes. I honestly don't know if I can have this picture up for 30 more days...

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Night

2008-09-30T21:39:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here trying my hardest to fight off a migraine. I've been so proud and have even boasted how well I've been feeling since eating better and losing weight. No sinus issues, no stomach issues, I really have been feeling good. But dang it if I didn't get smacked down on that one this week... I've been fighting a bad 'that time of the month'. Ugg, I hate being a women sometimes. I could have starred in a commercial for all those drugs aimed to curb symptoms... I've been like godzilla and wanting to decimate small villages, crying, bloated, achy, blah, blah, blah... the worst is the migraine. Anywho, I made an appt with the dr to do something about it, I can't do a few more months like this.

I took the boys for a walk this evening after dinner, I was hoping it would do all of us good. I really, really like my neighborhood. I was just looking at all the houses, how nice all of them are, all the kids riding their bikes, etc... I am very privileged and I should say thank you every day for that.

I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to weigh-in tomorrow. I know I have lost weight, I can feel it--and it is so freaky, I can feel my self losing, the way my gut isn't as gut-like any more, the way just my 'bum' clothes are fitting on me. I don't want to freak, I keep telling myself this is a cool thing. And I've had a few people comment, and i like hearing it, but again, it freaks me out--don't look at me. I know I need to go back to my therapist, but she is recovering from Ike, so I'm not sure when I can see her next. Just stay on task Nicole and you'll be good...

Oh, and i'm going to have postpone my dinner party, I'm so bummed. The logistics aren't going to work out right now. I think I'm going to wait a few more weeks, wait for the weather to cool down and do something outside--I have some really cool thoughts, so I think waiting is going to be the best thing.

Okay, off to bed...

Screaming Like a Little Girl

2008-09-29T22:37:00.005-05:00

OHMYGOSH! OHMYGOSH! OHMYGOSH!
I decided I needed to get to bed and had thoughts of trying to get up tomorrow and hit the gym ( Jodie ran tonight, so I need to get my butt out there too! LOL). I needed to decide what I was going to wear tomorrow so I would be prepared if my gym goal was going to happen, I'm always running late anymore for work.. I headed into the dreaded closet and I started to look at stuff. I'm in desperate need of some new clothes, my body is constantly changing and nothing fits me right. I kept turning from my pants to my shirts, back to my pants and I came across a pair of awesome black pants that I bought years ago when they were on sale as a 'motivation' pair. I had tried them on in May when I began this journey and I looked like a pig stuffed into a sausage casing. They were dreadful on me and I remember prying myself out of them wondering if I would ever get into them. Well, tonight I decided to grab them and try them on to see how far I've come, how much further I have to be able to wear them out... HOLY EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT CRACKING. Folks, not only do they fit, I look damn good in them!!! I was jumping around, screaming, kicking, kissing the dogs, running in the living room and back and then jumping some more! I tried on about 10 shirts to see what would look best with them... I finally decided on a shirt that I've had forever... and you want the know the last time I wore it... I can distinctly remember... it was on my 29th birthday... I just had my 35th... and I'm going to look sooo cute tomorrow I'm not even going to be able to stand myself. LOLOLOL.
I honestly don't think I can go to sleep now... I'm all wound up with my bad-ass self!

(a very heart felt thank you to Jill who introduced us to this and for all my supporters out there, I know you are behind me -- watching my ass shrink.)

Every Monday...

2008-09-29T21:18:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while: I have plenty to say, trust me, I just don't seem to make time to do it. And the more I push it off, the more I have to say and the more I don't have time to put it all down. On a handful of occaions I have gone back and read past postings to see how I was feeling at that time, so I really want to capture everything I'm feeling... you'll hear from me soon, I promise.

So back to my 'every Monday' blog title... Every Monday night I watch Paranormal State, and every week I sit here with Sammy next to me with a pillow or my hands over my eyes. Every week I get scared and every week I love it, I want more! This show freaks me out. Catch the re-runs cause this week is the season finale (and was kinda lame)...

Weight Loss Tracker -- Challenge 1

2008-09-22T15:35:00.002-05:00

Pounds Lost: -24.8
Pounds to Goal: 66.2
week 1: 14May - 20May: -1.0
week 2: 21May - 27May: n/a
week3: 28May - 03June: - 6.8
week4: 04June - 10June: +0.8
week5: 11June - 17June: -1.0
week6: 18June - 24June: -1.6
week7: 25June - 01July: -2.2
week8: 02July - 08July: -0.8
week9: 09July - 15July: -0.6
week10: 16July - 22July: +1.8
week11: 23July - 29July: -7.6
week12: 30July - 05Aug: +3.0
week13: 6Aug - 12Aug: -0.4
week14: 13Aug - 19Aug: -5.8
week15: 20Aug - 26Aug: -0.6
week16: 27Aug: - 02Sept: -1.2
week17: 03Sept - 09Sept: -1.2
week18: 10Sept - 17Sept: n/a

I'm going to start the log of my new challenge, but I wanted to capture this one!