The Mad Happenings of a Glass Princess

What is this picture?!
This is a pictorial representation of my comfort zone, 18 inches x 18 inches.
Nicole is a creature of habit--I will eat the same thing in a restaurant, I will 'cook' the same thing in my house, I will do the same routine in the morning, I walk the same route every time with Brody, etc. When something gets thrown in that doesn't belong, sometimes I'm not quick to react or it just throws me completely off and I have a hard time getting back in my little square.
In some aspects of life, I'm reaching a big toe out of the box, sometimes even the whole foot! for example: I finally got fed up at work and made some changes, I stood up for myself and I ran away to another group. lol. Actually, I'm just doing a rotation, but I'm learning new stuff and I'm gaining confidence.
I also branched out in the gym. I was always afraid that I would make a fool out of myself or that I wasn't fit enough to be working out to be fit (crazy Nicole logic), but finally I said "screw that, I need to shrink my tush" and I go and work out now and if anyone wants to watch me go right ahead, I really don't care.
Another area I pushed my boundaries was with Internet dating. I definitely don't want to rehash all that craziness, but just to mention that it took a lot for me to try and do that.

If you stand back and look at these few examples they all happened because I was at some breaking point. I guess that is how the universe works--for every force, there is an equal and opposite force.
So what is my next adventure!? Heaven help me it is speed dating. It was recommended by a few different people, but I always shot it down immediately because I couldn't imagine putting myself in front of someone and having them judge me in 5 to 7 minutes, it goes against every fiber of my being and just the thought could send me running for the potato chips. However, a force came by and is pushing me again, causing me to react. The internet dating was part of it, the sheer volume of idiots and crotch shots is enough to cause anyone to run away, but it was also learning that I am someone special too. I finally figured out that I'm not such a bad catch--I'm successful, have a cool grumpy dog, damn funny, know the difference between your and you're, artistic, great friend, love to travel, I read, and I'm just an over all good person. Now all I have to do is sit down across from a guy, portray that chick I just described and let ME judge HIM for 5 to 7 minutes.
It is not going to be easy for me to do it, but I guess anything in life worth doing well is not easy, right? I'm very nervous, I'm scared that the old Nicole will pop up and I'll go running for the nearest exit (and knowing my luck, it will be an emergency one and I'll set off the alarm). I'm very comfortable around my friends and others that I know, but in a 'stranger' situation, I like being a wall flower, I don't 'work the room'--I wouldn't know how to work a room if you paid me. So, my goal for the next three weeks until this event happens is try to overcome this anxiety and have fun with this.
I'll keep you posted...

I can remember it well... it was the 3rd birthday of Matteo's last January, there were cupcakes and pizza and chips and cookies and clementines! The clementines were for those who were trying to eat better, I was 'trying' at the time, so I thought I would grab one, I couldn't remember the last time I had one. It was heaven. I had found a new 'healthy' snack.
So began my obsession with clementines. I would buy two or three 5lb bags at a time, and they would not last in the house long. I would have a few after my eggs in the morning, a few after lunch, a few when I got home and a few for 'dessert'. I LOVED THEM.
And then it happened one day... I looked down at my hands and they looked like I had been playing in self-tanner, my feet looked similar. I was eating so many oranges that my hands, feet and even my elbows were turning an ugly shade of fake orange/yellow color. There is some chemical in them that if you eat it at an alarming rate (I passed that months ago at this point), your body can't flush it and it tints parts of your body. This was NOT a healthy snack.
I knew I needed a clementine intervention. I admitted to myself as I looked at my fake-tan hands that I need to quit the clem. Nicole knows no moderation on things she loves, I knew I had to go cold turkey. It was difficult at first, I craved the natural sugar, but it got better after a while. It also helped that they soon went out of season, I wasn't being faced with them at the grocery store every time I walked in. My fake-tan hands and feet turned back to normal after about six weeks; yes, it took that long to get all that chemical out of my system.

After some time, Jodie recommended I try apples, she was sick of me mourning the clementines.
Let the angels sing!! I found Gala apples!
Now I'm an apple freak and I'm proud to say it. Way better than the clementines, they last longer in my belly, and they satisfy the crunch factor I need. Nature rocks! I eat three apples a day--one as part of my breakfast, one as an afternoon snack and one as my dessert.
I have found the best place to get Gala apples at Tar.get, no lie. They are the freshest and the best price. I will go out of my way to go to Tar.get to get my apples.
However, I'm running into an issue... it seems that Gala apples are getting out of season, there are tons of other ones, but the selection of Galas is decreasing. In anticipation of walking into Tar.get and not seeing my apples, I bought one of each of the other kind this weekend and did a taste test. NOPE. Nothing compares to my Galas. So with that, I'm hoping not to have another fruit meltdown, please let them stay around long enough for apple season to come back and more are available, I don't even mind paying a bit more for them.
To add salt on the wound... you have to walk past the clementines to get to the small selection of apples.
Damn delicious fruit.

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday season.

So, I'm taking a new approach on things. I've been all over the map with trying to eat right, get on that weight losing train again, staying upbeat during a tough battle, dealing with happy and sad family emotions and finding out who I really am.
Its enough to make someone crazy--oh wait! I am. Just Joking (kinda)

Anyway, I want to blog again. And I'm not going to put down all the "boohoo, Nicole is sad crap", I'd done with that. There are many moments and many people who bring smiles to my face everyday, and I believe they define me more than those sad moments do. So I shall be sharing those things that fit the name of this blog better. I have a lot of stories to share and I hope these bring a smile to your face or make you think.

Let's start off with Fac.ebo.ok:
At first I wasn't all into it, I wasn't looking forward to putting it on my phone or anything like that, but things have changed. I absolutely LOVE reading FB at different times of the day. To see how my friends children are acting that day/watching them grow or reading how a friend almost got trampled by cows trying to do a daily walk or seeing the picture of a new tattoo celebrating a milestone or sharing thoughts about a TV show they finally watched or to see the new nail polish they put on. All fun stuff. It is interesting to see a glimpse in the daily lives of people I care about. Some would say "who cares" about the color of some one's nail polish; I care, therefore, I shall continue to read.

Life Book:
I was introduced to this item by two good friends of mine: http://www.erincondren.com/store/index.php?cPath=129_956
It is a "Life Book" and it is the perfect item to keep track of certain aspects of your life. I don't record birthdays, work meetings or personal appts in this book, I record items like: what time I ate and what went in my pie hole, my weight for the morning (heading south slowly), how I felt that day and how many steps I did (my goal is 11,000 daily). There are spots each week for goals and to do lists, and at the beginning of the month there is a few lined sheets for random notes you want to put down. I found myself writing little reminders to myself or a quote from a song I like and going back days or weeks later to re-read them. This book is also a great size, not too big where you question if you should throw it in your bag and not to small where it will get lost within the piles of junk lying have around.
So, if you ever wanted to keep a food log or health log or a diary, check this thing out, it might be for you.
Side note: the retail price on this thing is waaaaay high. I love it, but $50 is hard to swallow for a really cute notebook. Thru a series of specials, I got it for $18, and for that price, it is worth every penny. The specials were listed on http://www.plumdistrict.com/-- yeah, yeah, this is a site for 'mom's' but so what; they have good deals on things that keep mothers sane, why can't I capitalize on that as well?!

Dating:
I've talked about this before, so I'm not going to re-cap everything. What I do want to discuss is how I now know I'm not alone. A friend introduced me to this blog: http://melissanibbles.blogspot.com/. I snort loudly every time I read her stuff. She has super quick wit and pulls no punches; she also talks about her dating life and some of her stories are things I have encountered too, scary how some things are universal.
I was also talking to the niece of my sister's close friend (yeah, stop and think of that trail), she is single and trying to date as well (but she is 29 with legs that don't quit and jet black hair, not 38 with legs that stop way short and gray root touch up), we were comparing stories over wine. One topic that came up is the amount of "junk" pictures we get sent to us. Not "junk" as in fake rolex adds or how you have a dead relative in Africa sitting on a fortune, but "junk" as in a guy's lower region. We were both laughing so hard, I thought wine was going to come out of our noses at one point.
Here are some examples of the lines that accompany these pictures:
"this could be yours this weekend!"
"this is what you're missing out on" (when you decide to stop communicating with them)
"I was bored after work so I thought I would snap a few pictures"
"I showed you mine, now you show me yours"
Yes, for those of you who are married and have missed the whole digital age of courtship, this is what is out there now. How can you possibly want to go out with a guy and look him in the eye knowing what his "junk" looks like. And then, how do you know if it really is 'him'. Wow, there seem to be a LOT of guys walking around with a rather large amount of "junk" in their pants, they all beat what the average is suppose to be. The best part is 99.9% of the guys don't show their face, all you get is a close up of where their brains really are.
With all these wonderful pictures, along with emails offering to show me in person, I have decided to not Internet date anymore. It is no longer worth seeing the decline of humanity in my inbox, I would like to meet a gentleman, not a boy who is showing off.

I think I've been on my soapbox for long enough today, my feet are beginning to hurt.
I do plan on sharing more of my insights. Please feel free to comment, I would love to know what you're thinking too.

Smiles my friends!
Nicole

I'm sitting here on the eve of my 38th birthday with root color in my hair and a charcoal mask "pulling out all the dirt and oil" from my face; wow, I know how to live it up don't I!?!? LOL

I've been composing this blog in my head for a few days now and I finally want to get it written and explain where I've been for the last year (kinda).
First, I will say that the ease of Face.bo.ok as made it quick and simple to get a thought out there ASAP, no waiting to sit down with a blog to share it with friends, just whip out the phone, type it out quickly, post and done. I'm blaming FB for my lack of posting, how about them apples. lol

In all honesty, I've been doing a bunch of private blogging. Needing to get my thoughts down without the whole world seeing my inner demons. Has it helped? Eh, some days it has, others not so much. But no looking back, only towards the future, right?

So, I want to share what I have learned over this last year and layout some goals for the next.
The first thing I have learned is that laying out goals doesn't always work in my favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I contradicted myself, but shut it, its my blog and I can do what I want.
I can no longer say "I want to do X by Y", it always seems to be a formula for failure for me and then I get up set and then I don't want to try to do what I said I was going to because I already failed, blah, blah, blah... Nope not going to do it. But I have modified it to be "one day, one meal, one workout at a time". That is all the forward thinking I can do, no more, no less. So that is #1 on my list...

1) One Day, One Meal, One Workout at a time

The next big thing I learned this year is that you really do need friends. I have felt that I leaned on my friends more this year than past years combined. They were there to lend an ear, get mad with me, give me advice, extend a helping hand or just offer their unwavering support. For that I am grateful beyond what I can express via this blog or even to their face. I love you dearly.

2) Your friends are YOUR friends for a reason, they will always love and support you. PERIOD.

I have also learned that guilt, regret and shame are powerful emotions that can slowly eat away at you and ruin all that you have worked for. They can keep you up at night, they can make you second and third guess yourself, and I'm sure they have cause gray hair & additional wrinkles. Work through them and keep fighting, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting closer every day.

3) Nothing you can do about it now, keep fighting, move forward, learn.

This next lesson is one that I am just amazed about. I believe there are no quality, honest, and kind men left in this world (or at least in the greater Houston area). Part of my changed outlook after my surgery was to put myself out there, try to meet a guy. BAAWAAAHAAAA, so much easier said than done. I blame most of my problems with TV and 'chick flick' movies; you know what? F-U to all those shows that portray the last friend of the pact meeting a handsome man who wins over her friends with witty statements & charm and then sweeps her off of her feet and they live happily every after. F-U. Yeah, that does NOT happen. EVER.
I'm so conflicted on this one, do I completely give up, stop putting myself out there knowing that they aren't going to come knocking on my door OR do I keep kissing (and kicking) frogs to hopefully find 'my prince' one day, stay in the game. I do know this for sure, I do need a break, I am becoming jaded and that is the last thing I want. I don't want to be some bitter (fine, more bitter) chick then I already am.

4) Take a break from the guy search. Give yourself a rest from the Neanderthal men.

Let's change the subject to something more cheerful, shall we? The next lesson is... "I have talent". Everyone knows how much I love glass and how I love to learn new techniques & such, but this year has been a bit different for me. I was accepted into a local art gallery, which lead to an article being written about me, which will lead to who knows what. I will admit, I'm scared, but in that cool kinda way.

5) I have a talent and people appreciate my work

I have been growing my hair out since my surgery, I'll get it trimmed every 6 weeks or so, but for the most part, I've just let it go. I'm starting to really like it, I'm surprised that I do to tell you the truth. If I could survive the hottest summer on record for Houston with this long hair, there is no reason not to keep it.

6) When I want to chop all my hair off, don't let me, it will pass.

To be honest, I can't think of any more lessons to tell the 38 year old Nicole to follow. Maybe I'm getting old and just can't remember. lol. I do know this though, I wish I could tell that 22 year old Nicole a few things, or that 24 year old Nicole who just lost her mother, or 26 when she bought her first house, or 30 when she thought she was over the hill, or 34 when she cried that she STILL wasn't with someone, or that 36 year old Nicole who was being wheeled into surgery. So many things learned each day and so many more to come.

7) You rock!

I'm going to close this post with the top 3 of my "favorite" things I've had a guy email me or say to me. Get a laugh out of them, I am now (some not at the time).
Bonus lesson (learn 7, get one free)

8) It is their loss...

okay, top 3:
3) (after seeing a few additional pictures of me) "No thank you"
2) "I usually date cuter than you. If you'd like to come over and bleep, sure, but I wouldn't date you"
1) "You are wonderful, everything I've been looking for, I can see us together, blah, blah, blah, can you send me $3000?"

And there you guys go, my last year wrapped up into a nice blog posting. I hope it won't be until next year that I post again, I will try harder, but no promises...

Okay, so I had them this weekend--The Blues.

Okay, first let me apologize to my readers... you shall see in this post 1)my granny panties and 2)my gut sticking out of a pair of pants like sausage in a casing... there is a point to making you go blind.

Here are the pants...




I bought these pants probably 6 or 7 years ago... they are from Eddie Bauer, size 14 (which probably means a 12) and were on clearance when I bought them. One day I 'knew' I would wear them. I wish I had taken a picture of me trying to get them on before surgery, they would only have gotten a few inches past my knees once they started to hit the meat of my thighs. I can at least now get them over my thighs and butt up to my waist; buttoning them is another story.
I considered it a small victory that I can at least get them up and was quite shocked when they didn't stop at my hips. I even did a quick hip shake in celebration.
When i saw how far I could pull them on, I made a goal -- to wear these pants on my birthday at the D.MB concert!

I told my goal to Jodie tonight as we were driving to get our piggies done.
Nicole:"so, I have these pants...blah, blah, blah, 4 weeks from tomorrow until my birthday... blah, blah, blah"
Jodie: "Nicole, your b-day is in less than four weeks, it is almost the end of August"
Nicole: "Nah-uh, I counted" I pull out the ol' iphone
Nicole: "well son of a b*&^%. oh great, I'll never get these on in 3 weeks, 4 weeks was pushing it"
So I pout and call her a buzz kill. She reminds me that it was my fault for counting wrong and she was doing me a favor now instead of 2 weeks when I figured out I only had 1 week left"
YOU'RE STILL A BUZZ KILL JODIE! lol



So then I had to think what to do next. I'm changing my goal to ArtOberFest, I shall wear these pants at my booth at the festival. that is 7 weeks away (holy moly do I have tons of work to do) and that is a more reasonable goal.

so here is what the pants look like on me now...
(oh yeah, jodie, so I have more than a few inches to close on the pants... yeah, I was dreaming)



I think I'm going to take incremental pictures until I can close these suckers and walk around looking damn good!

Wish me luck!

yes, Kelli, I know it has been a long time since I've posted--she seems to remind me every week that I've haven't updated my blog. And shame on me for not doing it either, there is so much to talk about...

So, we're about 4.5 months out from surgery, I'm hovering at about 35lbs lost, and 33.25 inches! The scale hasn't moved much, but my clothes are getting bigger. I think yoga is helping me add lean muscle which is helping me shrink, but not making the scale move much. I really do want to hit that 40lb mark before my birthday, it is driving me nuts.

So much has changed, and in this case, change is an awesome thing. I see myself so different than I ever have in my life. I feel strong, I act strong. I'm finally putting myself first for once and I like that feeling. My habits are changing also.

So i've been trying to meet some guys and date. Okay, dating should be fun, but its NOT. I'm tired of the emails/texts/first dates. Are all the good guys taken? Where I would have run for the hills with ice cream and carbs in hand and sulk that I'm not good enough for someone to love me, I'm doing the exact opposite. These guys are not good enough for ME. See-ya. I'm finally protecting myself and I'm realizing that I have worth--and it is an awesome feeling. I had a situation the other night where I was dismissed after he saw pictures of me, it hurt, I had a few tears, but then I threw on clothes and headed to yoga class. My life must go on and I'm loving this life that is growing each day.
I going to take a break from this guy finding thing for a while. I have a show I need to create pieces for and another 5lbs to work off. He is out there somewhere, I'll find him one day.

Yesterday was 13 years since my mom passed away. And even this I'm handling different. I miss her in a different way now. I know I'm light years away from being 'cured', but emotions and food don't have to be tied together. I just wish she could have learned that too. **sigh** I miss her so much.

On a happy note, I'm so looking forward to next month and going to Chicago. I was lucky enough to get tickets to the D.MB show at Wrig.ley field. Stacy, Kelli and i are going and we're going to have a blast! It is on the same day as my birthday and for once I'm so excited. I can't wait to get a really cool t-shirt that is NOT a uni-sex, boxy, standard concert tee, I want a cute girlie tee! I know, so silly, but it really is the little things that I find make me the happiest.
Oh! I found out that I do have hip bones, they were discovered during Yoga one night--shocking, I haven't felt them in forever!

Thanks for all the support my friends. I love you.

tomorrow will be 13 weeks since my surgery. I'm down 33lbs and loving every second of it. I found a pretty good therapist that deals with eating issues, and it has helped just seeing her the few times that I have. It is definitely something I need to continue to do, just like getting my protein in (I've been having horrible carb cravings, uggg), vitamins and water. Every day is a new day.

So, the weight loss boards are full of folks having NSVs all the time. I've had a few in the form of clothes that I can now wear and bras/panties that I've had to throw away b/c they are too big, but tonight's NSV kinda made me giddy. I've been taking yoga at the gym and I love it. Every time I go I see improvement on my balance and my strength; it really is an amazing exercise. Well tonight, we were doing a new pose and she asked us to look in the mirror and double check our stance. I looked in the mirror and I saw one girl, I passed her up and kept looking for myself. I couldn't find 'me'. I was looking for a bigger girl, the girl that I saw the first time was ME!!! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror! I wanted to come out of the pose and do a small dance, but of course I didn't. I just stayed focused and did a mental happy dance. I just had to blog that tonight, I couldn't let that one get away.

This surgery is the best thing ever. I had a semi-freak out moment this weekend, but I pulled myself together after being helped through it. I'm far from being 'fixed'--whatever that is anyway. But I'm on my way to a healthier and happier Nicole. And that my friends, is what this journey is about.

Hugs!

I want to drop a quick post before I go to Yoga this evening...

I hit the big 3-0 this morning! 30 pounds lost! I cannot believe it! And what I really can't believe is this high I have going. I'm so in awe how my life has changed in the 11 weeks since I had my surgery. I feel my confidence climb as my body shrinks. I feel so healthy, it truly is an amazing thing.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the advice that I've gotten from friends. My gosh am I a lucky person--I have some of the best people standing beside me in life! I honestly would not have gotten this far without the honest words that friends have been telling me over these last several months (the months before the surgery and since). And you know what? I in turn LOVE being there for my friends; just able to do small or large things for them. I enjoy the give and take that a friendship has--that is what makes life so good, the knowledge that you have people there for you and that you are there for them. I wish I could express better in words the feelings I have for you guys.

So, I mentioned Yoga. I need to do some kind of exercise and since I'm athletically challenged in the worst way, I figure Yoga would good for me. (and I won't hurt anyone else). I took my first class last week and thoroughly enjoyed it, a great instructor! I'm hoping tonight's class goes just as well, I loved the dull hurt I felt for the next two days.

I'm cutting it off here folks, I'll have to post about my 2 month followup with the surgeon. All went well btw, there are just details I want to share.

Namaste!

Okay, the official freak-out has begun! I didn't think it would happen, and I thought I escaped it when it didn't happen at the ~3 week mark, but it was only delayed. I'm having the "i'm really losing weight and I can't figure out what to do next" freak out. This is one of the things I've been most afraid of. I know I'm riding the high of the honeymoon phase for weeks now, and in the back of my mind, I'm been afraid of when that high would end. I think my buzz has been wearing off for a few days now. It all started when Stacy told me she was proud of me. I love hearing those words, don't get me wrong, but after I hung up with her, I was trying to figure out what I did to make her proud? That I decided to get 80% of my stomach ripped out? How noble is that?! I'll be the first one to admit that I have not physically worked for these 26lbs. Oh, I've changed my eating habits, partly b/c I have too, but mostly b/c I wanted too, but it is not like I've gotten my tush up at 5am and worked for it. And every day I still struggle with my water intake--my gosh I hope that changes.

Then I freak out b/c I'm wearing just an XL and not a 1X or a 18W or whatever. Why this should freak me out, who knows, I'm a complicated person. And the topper was today... I got this picture...


WTF is that! holy fat rolls batman! At the point at which this pic was taken, I was down 19. UGGG, if I look THAT horrible after 19, what the hell did I look like before. ohmygosh did I want to scream when I saw that picture. When I got the email with it, I was excited to see what I looked like (when has THAT ever happened). Crushed and disgusted. I guess I'm not photographing as well as I thought I was looking/feeling. Sigh.

BUT! BUT! the only good thing about this freak-out is that I did NOT want to eat. Nope, never. Actually, the thought kinda made me sick. So you know what I did instead? I just sat on the couch in the quiet and thought. I thought about all the things that I'm grateful for and the things I have accomplished since getting out of the hospital 2 months ago.

Let me share with you some of my thoughts...

• I've lost 26lbs.
• I can buy clothes not in the 'women's' section
• I'm sleeping better
• I've not had an antacid in 2 months
• I find myself smiling more
• I put on a bathing suit and went to a water park. (I have NEVER done that in my adult life). I liked that I smiled so much at the water park that my face kinda hurt
• I started a new bag to give to Good Will of clothes that don't fit anymore.
• My blood pressure is normal
• My sports bra isn't cutting into me (and it might not be holding the girls well enough either, might have to invest in a new one)
• I love my red dress tattoo, I feel as if I'm living the meaning of it now
• i had no desire to eat ice cream or potato chips b/c I was having a 'bad moment'
• i love how my bedroom is turning out, i can't wait for the new headboard to arrive
• I have some of the best friends that a person can be blessed with
• I miss KBC (i know this isn't a good thing, but I'm grateful for them in my life)
• I can't wait to meet all the new babies that are arriving soon (and hand them back)
• Austin is a great 'friend' to Brody, I know he misses having a companion around
• I bought awesome shoes this weekend, I can't wait to wear them.
• I might actually enjoy the beach when I head to Florida for Kelli's soccer tourney
• I like that some of my underwear is sagging in the butt and I need to 'retire' them
• I started the Wii Fitness 30 day challenge and I did my first workout today
• Thank goodness that an appt opened up for tomorrow afternoon for my new therapist, I couldn't wait another week and a half.
• I feel lighter, in so many ways.

So there. I'm freaking out but I'm trying to cope in positive ways. I hope to gain a ton of knowledge about myself and ways to help me through this journey when I meet my new shrink tomorrow. As always, thanks for being there...

Friends! Can you believe it has been 8 weeks since my surgery!? I still shake my head some days that I even had it at all let alone 8 weeks ago. Things are going very well, absolutely no complaints. I'm still fighting this ick that I have; I think it hit me pretty hard and, as pointed out to me, when I'm only getting 700-1000 calories a day, healing might take a little bit longer. I'm seeing the numbers dropping on my scale like I did the first week after surgery, it is a little bit of an eye opener and scares me a bit, I honestly don't want to lose too fast.

I see other changes in me other than the scale moving. I'm growing, i can feel it. I'm busting out of this self-imposed cocoon that has kept me safe and sheltered for so long. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of not taking chances, I'm tired of not holding my head up high & be proud of the things that I HAVE done and not just hold on to the things that I haven't done. I honestly want to go sing and dance in the streets (heaven help us all) and show that I'm so excited at this improved life I'm making for myself. So, come on out and cheer me on friends, I can use all the moral support I can get :-)

Okay, so here are the 8 week stats:
Total lbs lost: 25.2 pounds
Total inches lost: 21.5 inches

Some mini goals:
6 more pounds until I reach 31 pounds lost, this is the most I was ever able to lose before, I don't know why I hold on to this number, but I do. (Why do I do half the things I do?!) Not sure what I'm going to do at this goal, just might do a little dance. This will also be the 1/3 way mark thru my overall weight loss goal.

15 more pounds and i'll be past another major milestone, I think I'm finally going to take Sandy's advice and go to 8 Minute dating... heaven help me. I'm trying to psych myself up for this one, so I'm starting early by counting down the pounds.

oh! speaking of pyshc, I had to reschedule my appt for tomorrow (I was sick on Friday), so I'm looking forward to that.

That is pretty much it for now. My updated bedroom is taking shape, i'll add pictures as soon as it is put together. I have the curtains up so far and they are awesome--really changed the room, much brighter (as I was intending it to be).

Jodie IM'd me these words today; they were taken off of another blog and I really like them. They ring so true and I just had to pounced all over them.

1. The one person that truly cares that you lost two pounds is the person looking at you in the mirror.
2. Tomorrow DOES exist, but try to make the most of today.
3. There is no right or wrong way to lose weight. Argue all you want.
4. Eating a bad meal does not make you a bad person
5. Eating a good meal does not make you a good person.
6. Losing weight does not make you sexy. Feeling good about yourself make you sexy.
7. Everyone is perfect.

7 weeks! Where has the time gone? I can't believe i'm out 7 weeks. I'm feeling really great; I'm really able to eat almost anything. I haven't tried lettuce yet, I don't know why it is making me so nervous. I guess I just need to dive into a salad and see what happens, huh?

So I got a 'bill' from the hospital while I was in Florida. The total from them, not including the guy who put me to sleep ($2500), the surgeon ($10,000) and all the lab work ($1000) was $29,143.75. That is a very nice new car! I'm sure that is not what the insurance company will pay, but still that is a lot of cash.

I was looking for something this morning and I came across a Tiffany's silver bracelet that I bought probably 4 or so years ago--it was one of those things that I would wear 'someday'. I was NEVER able to put it on b/c my hand was too fat (it is a bangle style). I put in on my hand to see how much further I could push it on and there it went--over my fat hand and onto my wrist! Once again, I couldn't jump around b/c I would have had a coughing fit, but I did do a small shake of my hips in happiness. I fit that dang thing on! After that little victory, it lead me to try a few more items on, I was able to put on some rings that I've haven't worn in ages. Amazing how small changes really do add up!

I'm already thinking that I want to do something fun for my birthday this year, not sure what though. I have some thoughts swirling in my head, I just don't know if they'd be possible. hummm...

Brody really is the best dog ever. He is a true companion and loyal through & through. I love that stinkin' beast.

Kate's kids crack me up. The other day chris was telling me how the kids are watching this cartoon that was popular when we were kids, and Sam (the middle one) says, "yeah, we watch it and we weren't even born in the 19s" took me a few seconds and than I busted out laughing.

Another Kate story... she was introducing me to her boys (I really only know Will) and she said I was "Auntie Nicole". The kids thought she was nuts. And then Kate comes out with "She was my sister from a former life, so that makes her your aunt! She is Auntie Nicole!" Made me smile, but I think it scared her kids. LOL

There are so many things I need to do around the house. Where do I begin?!

Okay, the drugs I just took are making me tired, I think I'm going to bed early. Hugs and Kisses everyone.

Odd title, I know... But there is so much to cover. I just didn't have the energy to blog last night, but with a fresh shot in my arse and antibiotics running thru my system, the excuse not to blog is void.
So, I get the ugly out of the way first. I'm sick. Last Monday on my way to Florida to work the Shuttle Launch, my allergies/sinuses were just not feeling well. Once I hit that nice Florida environment, they went into full hyper-mode. Tuesday night I was a snot waterfall (sorry, that is really the only way to describe it). I took TONS of meds to dry me up so 1) I didn't get kicked out of launch support 2) so I could enjoy my one time out of town that hasn't been Chicago in the last year. I REFUSED to let this get to me. I'll talk about my outlook later on that later...
So with the tons of meds and my still nasty stuff in me, it drained into my lungs at night and then was also forced in my ears during that awesome plane trip home. Nicole didn't feel too swift and crashed early, just to wake up with pencils being shoved in my ears and wheezing when the alarm went off. Let me tell you it rocks when you have an awesome Dr that knows you and fits you into their day, even when "she has nothing open"--double ear infection and upper respiratory infection--JOY! Oh and I got a yelling at for taking that many drugs with my tiny tummy and high blood pressure. I knew prolong use would hurt me--but a few days, nahhh. (Like my justification).

So, this story leads into the others ones...
Story 1a) When the ick started to come on, I, with all my will, forced me myself not to be sick. I don't want to be sickly, I wanted to jump into this trip with both feet and enjoy it, learn from it, and not carry snot rags around with me. The crew quarter staff and the crew themselves thought I probably was a horrible person, but I just did NOT want to talk, I was raspy and when I did start to talking more, things would leak. And blowing my nose probably was not the right call. I regret that, but my aloofness was necessary.
Story 1b) When I was called back in the Dr. office, Dr. D was standing at the counter finishing things up with another person. She saw me and double took at me and just shook her head.
After she determined that I was sick, she asked me about the surgery. I was giving her the 10 second review of the hospital stay--she did NOT like to hear how high my BP was during my stay. I was telling her how well I've been feeling, what pounds and inches I've lost, etc. Then she said "girl, you are a new person!!!"
I raised my eyebrows questioning her...
"did you see that I did a double take at you earlier?"
"yes"
"you carry yourself completely different, you walk with your head up high and are not hiding"
insert another Nicole look
"this is not how you usually walk in here--you are glowing, (for the record, the 2nd person in a week that has said that to me), you're sick, but you're not gloom and doom. Surgery works for you girl"
Insert a Nicole SMILE here.
She gave me all my drugs and I bounced all the way out of there, followed by a lung removing cough. Yeah, the cheering might have to wait.

When arriving in Florida, I didn't know what it was going to be like emotionally and physically (still adjusting to food). Driving by Space Camp threw hundreds of memories at me. Wow, what a life time ago that was. I was trying to remember that person I was then. The words kinda scared me: angry, lonely, happy, comfortable, frustrated, crushed, cared for, belly laughs, sleep deprived, poor, body uncomfortable, entitled, wanting acceptance, overlooked, livid, consolation prize.
All those college-aged angst that a girl who needed to be on happy pills feels. And I smiled as I said a small 'F-U' to that fake orbiter on the outside and was happy that I'm NOT that person anymore. Do I have the same thoughts sometimes, sure, but not the whole collection at the same time. And not in the fish bowl that was the counselor dorm.
There is so much more I want to explore within this area. Cause I feel myself changing and I LOVE it. I have a therapist appt on Friday, I'm very much looking forward to it.

Bed time is upon me and I going to end this post here, but I want to continue the topic later, this is not the end of it.

closing comments:
My scale and I reunited about 3 minutes after I arrived home Sunday night. I stripped down and jumped on it! I'm glad it had that time to think while I was gone, it return very reasonable numbers. :0) I just might have to keep it around.

This past weekend really showed me what my life is about after surgery… I had downs (low, low, low) and I had highs (almost downright giddy).

I might only have 20% of my stomach, but still have 100% of my cravings. My self control was tested Saturday morning, and I lost. I gave in. There were donuts present and I had a bite—no biggie right, exactly. It was ~two hours later and I decided to have the remainder of the donut, that was wrong choice. I gave into my temptation and ate it up. Within 20 minutes I was sick, sick, sick and my guilt was off-scale high. Why did I eat that!? On top of being sick, I’m sure the act of me eating it will be used against me in the future by naysayers of my surgery choice and be talked about with others. I cannot dwell on that though, I need to learn from it and push forward, everyone makes mistakes.
That event has been a swift kick to get my tush in therapy and talk about whatever drives me to eat. Because that urge wasn’t removed with my stomach, that will never go away. I’m currently heading to Florida, but I’m going to try to make appts this week to have someone to talk to when I return. I need help and I’m not afraid to ask for it.
Saturday morning was ‘life’ and I need to learn to deal with these situations and make smart choices and not let the chocolate frosting talk me into bad things.

Several hours after hitting that low, I hit an incredible high. I never thought I, Nicole, would or could inspire someone. I was told by a friend while at a birthday party that after speaking to me at another b-day party, pre-surgery, that I inspired them to quit smoking and take control of their health (running, eating right). You could have pushed me over with a feather. Amazing how words can lift you so high and make you feel so good about yourself. I thought about that conversation all evening—that I could make a difference. F-U donut, next time we meet, hopefully I can ignore you.

On Sunday I wanted to hit a few stores to see if I could find some bras, pants and shirts. My wardrobe is starting to thin out (no pun intended) and I wanted to find some inexpensive items to tied me over. The first place I hit, I was able to fit into a 14/16 shirt – and I bought it – and I was between a 16 and an 18 in pants. Oh, did I mention that I started out as a solid 20W leaning towards a 22W in some things!? To know that I bought a 14/16 top put me over the moon. I then had to hit target to pick up a few items and I decided to hit the clothing section and see what they had. I quickly browsed thru the ‘womens’ section and went to the ‘regular’ section and found a few t-shirts I liked and a pair of pants. I took them to the dressing room and guess what! THEY ALL FIT ME! Items from the ‘regular’ section! I did a little dance in the dressing room and skipped the rest of the way thru the store b/c I was so dang thrilled. The second I left the store, I called a few friends just to rant over the success! It is the little things in life that are making me smile and I love it.

I’m sitting in the airport writing this blog out (and I’ll transfer it later) b/c I’m still on cloud nine and had to get it out. Why should I read a book or magazine waiting for my plane when I can share my highs and lows with you :-)

Oh, one last thing. This week my scale and I decided that we needed a break—it is best for both of us, we were becoming co-dependent. I think this time will really help us both reflect on the crappy numbers it has been displaying lately and I hope it gets its act together by the time I return. (okay, this really made me laugh as I typed it)

I don't think the 3 week stall is over yet. 7-10 days--whatever. I'm trying to grin through it and think of all the good things that have happened over the last 5 weeks.

Even though I want to concentrate on the good things, I also want to capture all that is going on, so for the record I'm going to add the following:
I've started to notice over the last week that my hunger is more noticeable, when it is time to eat, I better eat. My stomach growls with more gusto than in the past--maybe b/c is so small, it rumbles easier, however it is somewhat annoying. Dense protein is my friend and really helps to fill me up. The last few days I've been wicked tired, all my energy has been zapped from me, almost like when I returned from the hospital. I don't like it at all. Also, my carb cravings are out of control. I've been VERY careful about not eating too many carbs or sweets, but that is all my body wants and it stinks. Just leave me alone, go bother someone else, I don't want want to eat ice cream or potato chips (just the thought kinda gives me a stomach ache)--GO AWAY!
I can't help but to wonder if this is the body trying to fight all my changes and make me put all the stuff in it that it has always been used too. Kinda like "oh yeah, you mess with me, I'll mess with you" type of thing. Whatever it is, it is very annoying and I'm done with it. So, I'm just going to work and read and clean and watch tv and ignore my body cravings. So there (arms crossed)

So, I've decided I'm a family dingleberry.
Family Dingleberry definition: One who likes to hang out with families, somewhat interacts with them, but who doesn't want one of their own.
Yup, that is what I am. I love just to be around families. I know that seems odd, but honestly I truly love it! This weekend, I hung out with the Wayne Family. Had a blast! Went and watched Seth play soccer (reminded me of Brendan 6 years ago) and then after some shopping, we just hung out at the house. I just enjoyed having a family around me. Loved watching the kids and the way they adore Sandy and fist bumping Scott. It was nice to sit down to a family meal, I just loved the company.
There are nights where I just hang out at Jodie's too. They go about their business and I'll just sit on the couch and read or watch TV and just be apart of their household.
I also love evenings at my sister's house before the kids have to go back to school. They'll be doing their last minute homework assignments, Caitlyn getting ready for bed and the house 'just is'. And when I was in Chicago last time, we had a family dinner with the neighbors and I so enjoyed sitting around the dinner table just talking and then we watch some home movies. It was almost a hallmark commercial to me--the ones that make you sniffle some. Next week I'm headed to Florida to work launch support (SOOOOO EXCITED), and I'm even more excited to see the Henn and Spinale families. Most of my time there will be spent during the week, and I can't wait just to hang out at their houses and do my family voyeur thing. LOL. Just to be around great friends and their kids and 'just be'. I warned them already that I might just come over and hang out and I promised not to disturb their routines too much. And I just crack myself up over it b/c I have ZERO desire to have a family myself. Maybe a guy in the house, but the kids--nope, no thank you. I'll come over and hang out with my friend's kids, but that is as far as it goes.
Hi, my name is Nicole and I'm a Family Dingleberry.

Has it really been 4 weeks!? Dang time just zooms by.

In trying to make it through the 3 week stall, I did some research... In 2008, it took me 11 weeks to lose 19lbs. To be at 17.4 after 4 weeks should make me dang happy.
So there, I'm dang happy!

**sigh** it is Sunday night and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow. I wish I could be excited about getting up and going. But I'm not here to complain about work; I can do that anytime.

I finally took measurements again. I have no idea why I've been afraid to take them. I guess in the back of my mind, I haven't really earned this weight loss--I haven't gotten my tush up to go to the gym at 530 like I've done in the past or counted points until I was blue in the face. Not that surgery was 'easy' by any means, the weight loss has just simply happened with no help on my part. I'm definitely in the throws of that 3 week stall, the scale has shown me gaining and losing the same pound for 5 days now. I know it will pass, I know it will pass, I know it will pass...
I've been feeling pretty good, while I was walking Brody the other night, I actually got the urge to run--when has that ever happened. LOL. I think I'm ready to start working out, I'm able to eat a little more (which means more calories, less being tired), but I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt myself. While taking measurements, I couldn't help notice the 'bat wings' I have under my arms--I really want to try to tone those bad boys up.
Okay, so the point of this post was to share some numbers... here we go:
Butt/hips: -3
Waist: -2
Boobs: -1.5
Neck: 0
L Arm: -3
R Arm: -1
L Thigh: -4
R Thigh: -2
L Calf: -.5
R Calf: 0

Total: -17 inches

I've lost almost of foot and half off of my body! How crazy is THAT!!! I still shake my head that I had the surgery, it seems so unreal (but awesome at the same time). **sigh** but this time its b/c I'm so happy.

Wow! I'm 3 weeks out. In the hospital I couldn't even think an hour forward, let alone 3 weeks. Things have been busy!
Let's see what's been going on...

I'm loving the complex mushies, I've started to introduce more 'solid' food into my diet, I can't go more than once a day on that, but I can see how it 'sticks' with you longer. I weigh myself everyday, which I know you shouldn't do, but I can't help it. So far I'm down 16--I'm thrilled with the number, but I know this next week is going to stink. I'm headed into the 3 week stall...

Everyone has warned me about the dreaded 3 week stall (the Surgeon, his assistant, the nutritionist and the folks on the WLS boards), the 3 week stall is where your body starts to store everything it can b/c it thinks you are really in a crisis and stops the weight loss all together, you can even gain during this time. This episode can last anywhere from 7-10 days; I knew it was coming, and I told myself that I wouldn't care, but I care! And I think I'm a tad bit bothered by reading the boards about folks that have the same date that I have +/- a few days and have lost 25+ lbs. But then I think that I really don't want to lose that much so fast, I like my steady loss. 16lbs in 3 weeks is nothing to sneeze at--WW could never give you those numbers. I also love the way clothes are fitting on me now, I can tell I'm somewhat gaining confidence every day.
Ran into Alexa at a meeting the other day, and just her words of encouragement got me through the rest of my day with a huge smile on my face -- amazing how small things go so far. Not that getting through my days have been rough, I just worry everyday about my numbers (protein and water). It is not like WW points, that if you go over, you just won't loose any weight, here these numbers keep me ALIVE and healthy. Everyday the count starts at zero and I worry if I'm going to make it. Some days I just can't drink or eat that much, there is just NO room. I never thought in a million years I would have to force myself to sit down and eat something. I find myself wanting to move more too; I hurt less and less each day. I'm taking full advantage of this glorious spring Houston has been blessed with this year and walking Brody everyday. I have also taken the opportunity to work on my front yard (see one of my New Year's resolutions)--even if a 4x2ft patch of ground took me 2+ hours yesterday, I'm still doing something. I'm fine if I'm doing one continuous thing, but the second I twist or bend over, I hurt. The last couple of nights working on the yard has worn me out--I have crashed hard.
However, last night kinda scared me... I woke up about 2am with the worst shooting pain down my left arm -- no lie, the first thing I thought of was if I was having a heart attack. I even got up to take an aspirin (which I'm not suppose to take on my new tummy), but I was THAT scared. I didn't sleep very well between worrying and it hurting so bad. I have an appt with the local favorite chiropractor after work, I'm really hope he can help me, it is still really hurting me.

I also should mention Chicago... what a great time I had and of course it was busy as usual. One of the highlights of my weekend was that it was so 'normal'. That I was able to enjoy the company of friends & family in a food setting and not be worried or embarrassed or anything like that--I survived it. It was the first time since surgery I have been in a setting outside of work or home and it was NO BIG DEAL! I loved every moment of knowing that I'm living a 'normal' life and not shrink away because of my decision. Man was it empowering--that I going to be 'okay'.

I truly am happy with everything that has been going on, and I'm thrilled that I'm getting along as well as I am (I was really scared in the hospital). I shall beat this 3 week stall & keep my head up and I shall continue to meet my daily numbers... all is good folks!

All is going very well. I've said it about 100 times just this week, but the human body is an amazing machine. Everyday I feel better/stronger. I had my post-op appt on Thursday, got a clean bill of health from the surgeon. He was explaining to me more why the incision on my left side hurt so bad -- the 4 other sites had less than an 1/2 inch cut to fit a small instrument, the big on is about 1.5 inches and goes that whole length thru all layers of tissue, fat and muscle, so there is a bunch to heal. He also said the more I move the more it will hurt, but the more it hurts it means I'm healing. He then took my stitches out--I swear he was the devil at that moment and had no mercy. The first one hurt so bad, I wanted to swing up and kick him, the next two not so bad and then he hit my belly button one--I thought I was going to puke, it was all tangled up in there and it hurt so bad when he pulled on it. The last one felt like a kitten lick. But they were all out and I was happy.
He ended the appt with the green light to move up to more 'complex' mushies --basically I have to keep things kinda soupy, but I blend the crud out of soups/meals that have more ingredients (rice and chicken and beans and goodness), but they still have to be able to go thru a straw. yeah, kinda gross, but let me tell how you yummo it still is!!! And I was able to have an Avocado--an item sent directly from heaven to my plate. I have no idea why I was craving one so bad.
Saturday I woke up hungry for the first time. It was weird, I usually have to get moving and get my system warmed up before I can even thing of eating, but yesterday morning I was ready to go first thing. Just goes back to that amazing human body thing.
I can also get up out of chairs a million times faster than a few days ago, I can get up and out of bed with no trouble, wincing or saying bad things thru my teeth. I'm even able to take Brody for walks now. We've been going further and further day--don't want to get too ambitious and need a tow back to the house. LOL

Oh my BrodyDog, he is laying on the floor just snoring away. I was watching him this weekend, him following me and doing this or that--and I've noticed we are in the routine that we had pre-samson. Odd. He just has stepped up to be there for me when he knows I'm feeling crap, gives what he can and then lays down close enough for me to touch him. He knows he belongs to me and I belong to him--we really do have a cool relationship and there is nothing that could replace my Brody.

Well, I have an express ticket to dream land tonight. I'm not going to say I over did this weekend, but i did push the limits cause i REALLY needed to get out of the house and that I did! what a beautiful weekend.

Okay friends. Hug your animals if you have them, they love you!