The Mad Happenings of a Glass Princess

By now most everyone knows that I'm having weight loss surgery (WLS), I'm having a procedure called vertical sleeve gastrectomy, basically they are taking out 80-85% of my stomach. And you know what... I can't wait!
I can remember years ago, after failing another diet, I wished that someone would just take out my stomach so I couldn't eat--wow, be careful what you wish for!
At this moment, things seem so surreal, I can't believe I'm blogging about this, I can't believe my dad is arriving (4 hours late), I can't believe that I'm on a surgery roster somewhere and the hospital is expecting in me the morning, I can't believe that I'm handed this awesome opportunity, I can't believe...

I'm looking down on my tattoo as a I pause to wipe the tears away, and I just can't help but wonder what my mom would say to all of this. I know she'd be a nervous wreck, but would she agree with it? Would she be jealous that she didn't have it? Would she lock me in a room and not let me go to the hospital? I just wish I had 5 minutes to talk to you...

How is this all going to change me? Will I love myself finally? Will I have the courage to do things that I've been afraid to do for fear of the 'fat girl' embarrassing herself? Will I smile without seeing my fat cheeks pushing up the sides of my eyes? Will I look at my whole face in the mirror and not just look at my eyes when I put on makeup (or just my cheeks for blush, etc), will I not run down the frozen food isles at grocery stores b/c I don't want to see my reflection in the doors? Will I finally step out from behind the camera and have a picture taken next to the beautiful places I've seen (proof that I've really been there, LOL)? Will I...

Too many emotions and too many questions and too much time before my dad arrives. I just need to try to get some sleep and let tomorrow come and begin a new chapter in this crazy life of mine.

Stay tuned...

I feel like I have so much to spit out, I know I should have been blogging for a while now, but I just felt that if I sat down and wrote it out, that it just might be true. Sometimes it is hard to hear (read) the truth. But my cup fillith over and now I must put it down...

2010, very interesting year it has been. I can't say if I like or not yet, I still write and '0' for a year and then I forget that it isn't '09' any more and I have to squeeze a '1' in front of the zero and it makes my dates look all funny on my notes. (yes, I'm weird).

So one of my New Years resolutions has failed me. "Making Samson Healthy". My beloved Sam is gone and I'm utterly, painfully heartbroken. There is a hole in the center of my chest that belongs to that damn dog and I don't know how to close it up. I look at Brody, my 'other' child and I love him so much, but there was a special place in my heart for Samson, like I knew he was special and needed extra care. I miss the mundane things about living with him: him visiting me while going to the bathroom, him moving over to my pillow in the morning once I got up, they way he leaned on me while I pet him, his large head on my lap while I watch TV, his whiny beg when he wanted a bone, the way he looked at me with utter love, that tail that would crack the dry wall, the slobber on the floor (not), the barking when I came home, his snorting when I'd bother him, the way he loved looking at the birdies & kitty cats, the way he'd swat at Brody, his bronco bucking when he was crazy happy & wanted to run in the backyard and, and, and... The house has a strange quietness to it that I absolutely hate. I want him back, but I know that that is not possible and it sucks eggs. I question my decision almost everyday, sometimes every hour, but I know I did the right thing, it is just the guilt that is eating me alive and the loneliness.
I don't want a pity party, I swear, but I just think that sometimes friends don't know how lonely I am when I come home. Fine, I'm jealous, I said it. My friends have husbands/wives to come to and children that run up to them and love them. I had Samson, he was that child that would see you from across daycare and come running full speed into your arms. He was my goofy, lovable, dumb dog that did nothing but wanted to love. And I took it away.
I know most parents would love a day to sleep in, or a day to themselves, but how sad is it when you don't know you are losing your voice until someone calls and you can barely answer the phone. I spoke to no one yesterday until close to 8pm, I was with myself all day with no human interaction. Again, most people would LOVE that, I'm just tired of it.

And then there is work. I don't even know what to say about that. Will there?/Won't there? The whole future of the space program is up in the air (no pun intended) and where it will fall is any one's best guess.
I am blessed and I know it. I have a roof (a wonderful one at that) over my head, I have health insurance, I have a job, I live in a free society, I have a car, I have food in my refrigerator and I have NOTHING to complain about. However, (there is always a 'but'), I want to be challenged in my job again and I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Kinda like with decision with Samson, it was for the best at the time, but the guilt is rolling in. I am beyond words for the luck in getting a civil service position. But... but nothing, I should be thankful what is on my plate and move on.

And with all these gray clouds hanging over me, I see blue skies ahead. Changes are coming. Changes I've wanted for years, changes that need to be made, changes that hold so much potential it is frightening. I know I shouldn't half-way say something, but I just can't talk about it now. To be honest, I'm afraid to talk about it. The last thing I want to do is justify or explain my actions. Almost like Samson, I couldn't make that decision based on a 'committee vote', like I do with most things in my life; I had to do what was best for him and for me, even if the outcome wasn't so pretty at first.
I look ahead and I'm afraid, I'll be honest. With those blue skies, I see tall mountains to climb, but I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it.

I'm waiting for my dinner to finish cooking and I thought I'd blog instead of plopping my arse down on the couch. Oh, the size of my arse... I've eaten everything under the sun the last few weeks with no regard for points or that my clothes were already tight, now they are just plain uncomfortable. I've fallen back into bad habits and I hate it. I've been watching the show 'intervention' recently and wow are there so many parallels between drugs and food. Awww, forget it, i have no desire to complain about my eating again.

Let's see... what else is going on... Samson!
Sammy's been to the vet a couple of times to get his random pooping under control. The specialist I saw believes that it is un-related to his paralysis he had a few years ago, but my vet believes it is related. She even posted his story on a Vet website and others believe it is related too. So does that mean there is no hope? He was on this medication that cost $2.54 a pill! and it did nothing for him, it was suppose to slow down his gut and maybe he could feel it coming if things were slower--nope, it just made his accidents bigger! LOL
Now he is on a generic form of Imodium to see if we can really stop things, but that really hasn't helped either. His accidents are farther apart, but he is still having them; the medicine has also caused him not to each much, i think it is upsetting his tummy a bit.
But we'll keep trying, there is no way I'm giving up on that damn dog.

I haven't been up to the studio much. My supply is low on the basic glass and I'm so afraid that if I use it on something that I screw up, I'll be really mad, so I just stare and then go back down stairs. I did order some clear rods the other day so I can experiment with a technique that I've been wanting to try. That won't eat up my reserves, so I'm looking forward to those coming in.

My dad arrives in less than 2 weeks for a quick weekend visit. I'm excited for my dad to come back here, he saw my house briefly when he helped me move in, but so much has changed. What I'm not looking fwd to is his wife coming too, but since I really can't change that, I'm just going to suck it up and deal. It is about my dad and i just have to keep telling myself that.

Okay, I heard the ding of the oven, going to see if dinner is ready. Later...

So it is 16 minutes into the new year and new decade. Wow has time flown by.
I have been stewing all day about the close out of the year, and what my goals should be. This is what I do every year and every year it makes my stomach all in knots.

I think back over this year, and I am going to focus on what I have accomplished...
- one year at a new job. Surviving my boss is an accomplishment in itself.
- began WW again, true, I have not been following it well, but I do make myself go to the weekly meetings and hold myself accountable for the # that shows up on the scale
- I had a very sucessful show in October
- I finally got my stuff out on Etsy!
- I put a X-mas tree up
- Watched KBC kick ass in sports.
- I hung pictures up in my dining room ( I love to see where I have been!)
- I watched more babies being born and celebrating many birthday's with my friends & their children! 2010 will bring a new round of babies!

So for this year's goals, I'm going to keep it simple...
- get Samson healthy
- blog more, as much as I love the facebook quick posts, I need to get more out of my system
- create more art, I freakin' love glass!
- have a living front lawn again

that's it. I can't promise myself any more than that. I'm never good at those promises, so I'm not going to let myself down again.

I wish all my wonderful, caring, loving friends a great new year and I could not be 'Nicole' without you. You have no idea how important you are to me. Hugs

Right before summer started, Caitlyn cut her hair like any 4 year old does. She grabbed some scissors and just randomly cut it. I happened to call my sister the afternoon that it happened, and I could tell immediately that something was wrong. Stacy NEVER crys, she'd rather be mad and quiet than show the emotion of crying. She is the opposite of me--but I digress. Through her tears, she managed to get out that Caitlyn cut her hair and she felt like she was mourning the loss of it. That it was just part of Caitlyn and now it was gone. She knew she was being silly, but she couldn't shake the feeling. I listened to her, but I never really understood it. Now I think I do...

Yesterday Carolyn and I had a girly day. I had a blast! While we were up in the studio, Jodie stopped by and said she was going to DSW. Carolyn and I had enough to fill the kiln, so we decided to join in on the shoe buying fun! We head downstairs and go in the side door. Before I know what happened, the door swung into the side table houses a small lamp.
The lamp has a shade on it that I purchased in Venice, Italy by this small store right by where you pick up a ride on a gondola. I fell in love with it instantly and I knew exactly what I was going to do with it when I got it home. It was designed to be a hanging light and I thought it would look great over my island in the townhome. I had it shipped home and couldn't wait for it to arrive. When it came, I remember I held my breath as I opened the box for fear that it broke on the trip around the world. Nope, it was perfect! I held it up in the kitchen, over the island and realized that it was too small, and would look funny just as a single pendant. It sat in my dinning room alone for several months as I figured out what I was going to do with this thing--I would stare at it some nights. I finally got the idea that I would take it to a lamp store, see if there was some kind of fitting that we could put on it and make it into a lamp. I ended up at a lamp store in a scary part of town, but the old lady loved the shade as much as I did and we worked for hours putting together pieces from this and that to make it work. It cost me a small fortune when i walked out of there, but she had it rigged up to where I could hook it on any lamp base I wanted. I was sooo excited. I found a small lamp on-line and when I put the two together, it was magic. I LOVED IT. When I moved from the townhouse to the new house, I knew I wanted the lamp where I could see it every night, and I found the perfect place for it. I bought a small black side table that sits between the tv unit and the door. It is a great place to drop your keys and such. There are two things I do when I come home from work--I turn on that light and I open the back door for the dogs. That is my routine.
So, the door is swinging open, smacks into the table, rocks the lamp back and forth, it starts picking up some momentum and then just falls to the tile floor. It happened so fast. My lamp shade in 1000 pieces. I froze, I could NOT move. Carolyn tells me to sit down b/c she knows I'm about to go into shock. My favorite, most expensive piece of glass, the piece that I look at EVERY night--gone. I'm crushed. We clean up all the glass, the large pieces of it are sitting on my island just laying there lifeless, so heartbreaking.
I spoke with Stacy last night and I told her the story. She made a comment that I was mourning the loss of it. At first I snickered and she reminded me of Caitlyn's hair. And it clicked, I understood what she meant. I came home tonight from the grocery store, and I reached for the light switch to turn on the lamp and I became chocked up when I looked over at the table and didn't see the lamp turn on. I also kept looking over that way as I watched tv b/c it looked so dark in that small corner and it was catching my eye that my lamp wasn't turned on. I'm mourning its loss. My lamp shade is gone, maybe it will be destined for some pendants or something, I just can't throw it in the garbage, that would be sinful. What ever the pieces become, I'll make sure I send one to my sister for understanding me.
(luv ya stacy!)

That is the word of the day: Consequences.
I usually keep my acts of stupidity to myself and keep the consequences of them limited to within my household and try not to let them leak out others. That was not so successful last night.
First, let me begin this story with reminding folks that I can be a major dumbass at times. There are times I just don't think, sometimes the hamster is just not on the wheel. I try not to let that happen too often, but it just does sometimes.
I have lived on my 'own' for 13+ years. Never had a utility cut off on me until yesterday. I just plain forgot to pay my power bill. I come home, no power. Reach for the phone, text Jodie; yup, she still has power. A big 'ol question mark hangs over my head, I find a power bill, and call the number.
power guy: "the power has been cut off for non-payment"
nb: WHAT!? HUH? What do you mean?
PG: your bill was due Sept 2.
nb: AND YOU CUT IT OFF NOW? NO GRACE PERIOD
PG: no, no grace period.
nb: WTF!!!!
so we continue to argue, I begin to have a stomach ache from hell--a combo of embarrassment and anger.
If someone were to tell me that they had their power cut off, I would ask how many months they were behind. MONTHS, not 3 weeks. Now, wait, it sounds like I'm not taking responsibility for my actions, I have and I will. I understand that I did not make my payment. But who has ever heard of turning it off after 3 weeks? No warning? No late fee? Come-on, power is a necessity, I can see cable or your cell phone, but A UTILITY!! Just makes me shake my head.
So, now I have to call the one person that I know will allow my dogs in her house and beg her if I can sleep over. I know this phone call is going to be difficult for multiple reasons 1)I have to openly admit I'm a dumbass 2) her husband and son are leaving on a trip this morning and they had to pack and stuff 3) I know she had a long day at work, and the last thing she wants is a spastic Dane mix, a moody brown dog and a basket case for a friend. I have no other choice but to call. Even tho the weather has been nice here, the house is kinda stuffy and no power just sucks. She answers cheerfully and I explain my situation. If she is pissed by any of this, she is hiding it well and tells me to get in my car and come over.
By this time, the house is dark even with the blinds open. I have to go retrieve a flashlight out of my car and start packing by the light of that. The shame of stupidity washes over me again and tears start flowing. I truly hate being a dumbass.
I arrive at Carolyn's and the dogs play, they are beyond excited. I eat a salad I picked up on my way over and try my hardest to stay out of their way. By 9, I was mentally exhausted, I took my dogs and went upstairs. I fell asleep quickly, but soon heard every noise the dogs made. I was terrified that Samson would start barking for no reason and wake up Matteo. They also asked me not to let the dogs on the bed, so I was playing bed defender all night with Samson, I was blocking every move he made to jump up. Around 2:30am, Samson has some wicked gas and then starts crying. I jump up and rush them downstairs--I swear it sounded like a herd of buffalo running thru the house. Samson made it outside in time, I started crying again. After Sam is done with everything we head back upstairs; however, samson does not follow me back to the guest bedroom--he goes into Carolyn and Joe's room. For the love of Pete--really Samson. So I'm trying to get him out of there and get back to bed. After that I really didn't sleep much b/c I thought I'd have to run again to let Sam out.
6am rolled around, and they were up ready to go to the airport, I took a quick shower and headed home. I dropped the dogs back off. They can live in stagnant air for a day (if it was still 108 outside, no way, but it is a cool 79 degrees today w/ clouds). The power company told that it will be reconnected with in 24 hours. So sometime before 6:09 PM I should have power back on. (just shaking my head)
So, besides having to barge in on friends, let's look at the other consequences of my actions:
-everything in the frig must be thrown out, this equals $$$$$
-I could not run the kilns last night
-I had to pay $60 in cut-off and cut-on fees (add that to the ER co-pay (to be blogged about next), and any 'fun' $ Nicole had is now completely gone and no new glass order for her)
-I have a disconnect notice on my record
-additional physical proof that I'm a dumbass
I am so glad today is Friday.

So last night, I could not fall asleep, I tossed and turned, blanket on, blanket off, I was miserable. I could not turn off my mind. Items running thru my head included:
*I didn't want to miss my alarm and not get up and go to the gym.
*I was worried about the bowl I was slumping; was I firing too hot or too long, what if it is ruined? (ugg, another piece I won't have ready for the show).
*Will I tell my boss to bite me after he grills me about the meeting I continued without him on Friday. (not my fault if you HAD to leave @ 2!)
So, I tossed and turned some more. Huffing each time that I did, I looked at the clock--12:45. UGGGG! At that moment, Brody jumped up on the bed, and laid down by my mid-section. That did it. I kinda 'spooned' him and gently pet his side and then next thing I know the alarm was going off at 5am.
Wow, 5am, what was I thinking. LOL. I hit the snooze for awhile and then decided that my day would be ruined if I just didn't get my ass out of bed and off to the gym. I promised myself and I'm tired of breaking promises. So, I jumped up, got dressed and gave Brody the biggest hug and kiss. I didn't have time to do the upper body workout that I wanted too, I would have felt rushed, so I did 30 min on the treadmill. I went home and ran up to the kiln room to check on the bowl. Yup, a little hot and a little long, the bowl isn't sell-able by my standards, but I think it might end up in my house somewhere.
And I didn't tell my boss to 'bite me', but I did tell him that he miss a great conversation and we agreed upon a lot of things. I had to give him the complete low-down of everything. In the end he agreed that it seems like we did good work, but next time don't have a meeting on Friday afternoon. Whatever.