I feel like I have so much to spit out, I know I should have been blogging for a while now, but I just felt that if I sat down and wrote it out, that it just might be true. Sometimes it is hard to hear (read) the truth. But my cup fillith over and now I must put it down...
2010, very interesting year it has been. I can't say if I like or not yet, I still write and '0' for a year and then I forget that it isn't '09' any more and I have to squeeze a '1' in front of the zero and it makes my dates look all funny on my notes. (yes, I'm weird).
So one of my New Years resolutions has failed me. "Making Samson Healthy". My beloved Sam is gone and I'm utterly, painfully heartbroken. There is a hole in the center of my chest that belongs to that damn dog and I don't know how to close it up. I look at Brody, my 'other' child and I love him so much, but there was a special place in my heart for Samson, like I knew he was special and needed extra care. I miss the mundane things about living with him: him visiting me while going to the bathroom, him moving over to my pillow in the morning once I got up, they way he leaned on me while I pet him, his large head on my lap while I watch TV, his whiny beg when he wanted a bone, the way he looked at me with utter love, that tail that would crack the dry wall, the slobber on the floor (not), the barking when I came home, his snorting when I'd bother him, the way he loved looking at the birdies & kitty cats, the way he'd swat at Brody, his bronco bucking when he was crazy happy & wanted to run in the backyard and, and, and... The house has a strange quietness to it that I absolutely hate. I want him back, but I know that that is not possible and it sucks eggs. I question my decision almost everyday, sometimes every hour, but I know I did the right thing, it is just the guilt that is eating me alive and the loneliness.
I don't want a pity party, I swear, but I just think that sometimes friends don't know how lonely I am when I come home. Fine, I'm jealous, I said it. My friends have husbands/wives to come to and children that run up to them and love them. I had Samson, he was that child that would see you from across daycare and come running full speed into your arms. He was my goofy, lovable, dumb dog that did nothing but wanted to love. And I took it away.
I know most parents would love a day to sleep in, or a day to themselves, but how sad is it when you don't know you are losing your voice until someone calls and you can barely answer the phone. I spoke to no one yesterday until close to 8pm, I was with myself all day with no human interaction. Again, most people would LOVE that, I'm just tired of it.
And then there is work. I don't even know what to say about that. Will there?/Won't there? The whole future of the space program is up in the air (no pun intended) and where it will fall is any one's best guess.
I am blessed and I know it. I have a roof (a wonderful one at that) over my head, I have health insurance, I have a job, I live in a free society, I have a car, I have food in my refrigerator and I have NOTHING to complain about. However, (there is always a 'but'), I want to be challenged in my job again and I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Kinda like with decision with Samson, it was for the best at the time, but the guilt is rolling in. I am beyond words for the luck in getting a civil service position. But... but nothing, I should be thankful what is on my plate and move on.
And with all these gray clouds hanging over me, I see blue skies ahead. Changes are coming. Changes I've wanted for years, changes that need to be made, changes that hold so much potential it is frightening. I know I shouldn't half-way say something, but I just can't talk about it now. To be honest, I'm afraid to talk about it. The last thing I want to do is justify or explain my actions. Almost like Samson, I couldn't make that decision based on a 'committee vote', like I do with most things in my life; I had to do what was best for him and for me, even if the outcome wasn't so pretty at first.
I look ahead and I'm afraid, I'll be honest. With those blue skies, I see tall mountains to climb, but I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it.
2010, very interesting year it has been. I can't say if I like or not yet, I still write and '0' for a year and then I forget that it isn't '09' any more and I have to squeeze a '1' in front of the zero and it makes my dates look all funny on my notes. (yes, I'm weird).
So one of my New Years resolutions has failed me. "Making Samson Healthy". My beloved Sam is gone and I'm utterly, painfully heartbroken. There is a hole in the center of my chest that belongs to that damn dog and I don't know how to close it up. I look at Brody, my 'other' child and I love him so much, but there was a special place in my heart for Samson, like I knew he was special and needed extra care. I miss the mundane things about living with him: him visiting me while going to the bathroom, him moving over to my pillow in the morning once I got up, they way he leaned on me while I pet him, his large head on my lap while I watch TV, his whiny beg when he wanted a bone, the way he looked at me with utter love, that tail that would crack the dry wall, the slobber on the floor (not), the barking when I came home, his snorting when I'd bother him, the way he loved looking at the birdies & kitty cats, the way he'd swat at Brody, his bronco bucking when he was crazy happy & wanted to run in the backyard and, and, and... The house has a strange quietness to it that I absolutely hate. I want him back, but I know that that is not possible and it sucks eggs. I question my decision almost everyday, sometimes every hour, but I know I did the right thing, it is just the guilt that is eating me alive and the loneliness.
I don't want a pity party, I swear, but I just think that sometimes friends don't know how lonely I am when I come home. Fine, I'm jealous, I said it. My friends have husbands/wives to come to and children that run up to them and love them. I had Samson, he was that child that would see you from across daycare and come running full speed into your arms. He was my goofy, lovable, dumb dog that did nothing but wanted to love. And I took it away.
I know most parents would love a day to sleep in, or a day to themselves, but how sad is it when you don't know you are losing your voice until someone calls and you can barely answer the phone. I spoke to no one yesterday until close to 8pm, I was with myself all day with no human interaction. Again, most people would LOVE that, I'm just tired of it.
And then there is work. I don't even know what to say about that. Will there?/Won't there? The whole future of the space program is up in the air (no pun intended) and where it will fall is any one's best guess.
I am blessed and I know it. I have a roof (a wonderful one at that) over my head, I have health insurance, I have a job, I live in a free society, I have a car, I have food in my refrigerator and I have NOTHING to complain about. However, (there is always a 'but'), I want to be challenged in my job again and I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Kinda like with decision with Samson, it was for the best at the time, but the guilt is rolling in. I am beyond words for the luck in getting a civil service position. But... but nothing, I should be thankful what is on my plate and move on.
And with all these gray clouds hanging over me, I see blue skies ahead. Changes are coming. Changes I've wanted for years, changes that need to be made, changes that hold so much potential it is frightening. I know I shouldn't half-way say something, but I just can't talk about it now. To be honest, I'm afraid to talk about it. The last thing I want to do is justify or explain my actions. Almost like Samson, I couldn't make that decision based on a 'committee vote', like I do with most things in my life; I had to do what was best for him and for me, even if the outcome wasn't so pretty at first.
I look ahead and I'm afraid, I'll be honest. With those blue skies, I see tall mountains to climb, but I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it.
March 10, 2010 at 4:18 PM
((HUGS)) You ARE doing all the right things for YOU...maybe for the first time or the first time in a really long time. I wish I could be there to give you the hugs in person. Love you!