Okay, the official freak-out has begun! I didn't think it would happen, and I thought I escaped it when it didn't happen at the ~3 week mark, but it was only delayed. I'm having the "i'm really losing weight and I can't figure out what to do next" freak out. This is one of the things I've been most afraid of. I know I'm riding the high of the honeymoon phase for weeks now, and in the back of my mind, I'm been afraid of when that high would end. I think my buzz has been wearing off for a few days now. It all started when Stacy told me she was proud of me. I love hearing those words, don't get me wrong, but after I hung up with her, I was trying to figure out what I did to make her proud? That I decided to get 80% of my stomach ripped out? How noble is that?! I'll be the first one to admit that I have not physically worked for these 26lbs. Oh, I've changed my eating habits, partly b/c I have too, but mostly b/c I wanted too, but it is not like I've gotten my tush up at 5am and worked for it. And every day I still struggle with my water intake--my gosh I hope that changes.

Then I freak out b/c I'm wearing just an XL and not a 1X or a 18W or whatever. Why this should freak me out, who knows, I'm a complicated person. And the topper was today... I got this picture...


WTF is that! holy fat rolls batman! At the point at which this pic was taken, I was down 19. UGGG, if I look THAT horrible after 19, what the hell did I look like before. ohmygosh did I want to scream when I saw that picture. When I got the email with it, I was excited to see what I looked like (when has THAT ever happened). Crushed and disgusted. I guess I'm not photographing as well as I thought I was looking/feeling. Sigh.

BUT! BUT! the only good thing about this freak-out is that I did NOT want to eat. Nope, never. Actually, the thought kinda made me sick. So you know what I did instead? I just sat on the couch in the quiet and thought. I thought about all the things that I'm grateful for and the things I have accomplished since getting out of the hospital 2 months ago.

Let me share with you some of my thoughts...
  • I've lost 26lbs.
  • I can buy clothes not in the 'women's' section
  • I'm sleeping better
  • I've not had an antacid in 2 months
  • I find myself smiling more
  • I put on a bathing suit and went to a water park. (I have NEVER done that in my adult life). I liked that I smiled so much at the water park that my face kinda hurt
  • I started a new bag to give to Good Will of clothes that don't fit anymore.
  • My blood pressure is normal
  • My sports bra isn't cutting into me (and it might not be holding the girls well enough either, might have to invest in a new one)
  • I love my red dress tattoo, I feel as if I'm living the meaning of it now
  • i had no desire to eat ice cream or potato chips b/c I was having a 'bad moment'
  • i love how my bedroom is turning out, i can't wait for the new headboard to arrive
  • I have some of the best friends that a person can be blessed with
  • I miss KBC (i know this isn't a good thing, but I'm grateful for them in my life)
  • I can't wait to meet all the new babies that are arriving soon (and hand them back)
  • Austin is a great 'friend' to Brody, I know he misses having a companion around
  • I bought awesome shoes this weekend, I can't wait to wear them.
  • I might actually enjoy the beach when I head to Florida for Kelli's soccer tourney
  • I like that some of my underwear is sagging in the butt and I need to 'retire' them
  • I started the Wii Fitness 30 day challenge and I did my first workout today
  • Thank goodness that an appt opened up for tomorrow afternoon for my new therapist, I couldn't wait another week and a half.
  • I feel lighter, in so many ways.

So there. I'm freaking out but I'm trying to cope in positive ways. I hope to gain a ton of knowledge about myself and ways to help me through this journey when I meet my new shrink tomorrow. As always, thanks for being there...