Hi guys. Once again, it has been too long...
I've come to vent, I need to get some stuff off of my chest and it just can't wait until Wednesday's appt with the shrink.
As the title states, something has to give and give soon.
My eating once again this week has been h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. There are so many adjectives that are going to thru my head when I think of my eating this week--horrible, excessive, disgusting, gluttonous, carb-o-lious, sad, weak, stupid. I feel like I can't find balance in my life. I've been really good about my therapy sessions, making 'break thrus' (I believe)--I've said things in those sessions that I've never told anyone and it feels so liberating; I've been trying to get everything out so I can find answers. And then there is getting ready for the art-show. I feel like I'm letting go and really creating stuff, I've been over analyzing things and worried about selling it and not just having fun--this week, I feel like I've been really good about it.
And work! Holy moly have the last several weeks been hell--and the week in front of me is going to be 10 times as rough. I'm working so hard on this set of requirements, and I feel like I'm giving 110% to the cause, but then I sit back and laugh. My co-workers are putting in the same hours/effort and they are seeing their work 'fly' RIGHT NOW. They are putting in the work to see something tangible. I used to have that at work, I would do something and I would see it fly within months, if not days or hours. I'm working so hard for a project that won't even have a beta version ready for another 2 years! And if that presidential commission comes back and cancels the project--well, then more than just several weeks of hard work will be gone--jobs and the space program will be gone. I'm having a really hard time getting my mind wrapped around what I'm working on right now. I know that this project will be THE way that procedures are used after the shuttle is gone, and on the way to the moon and then on to mars, but I can't touch it now, so it doesn't seem real.
I look back on my early career and I guess I had the same thing. The space station was that thing that was waaaaaay out there and then it came up on me before I knew it. I never had these thoughts when I was working on the old stuff, I was way too green to know anything.
And so I think with my 100% in therapy, 100% at work, 100% doing glass, there is no room for doing well with food. Food was the something that gave. I needed a release from keeping everything else straight. Balance Nicole, just balance. But I'm so afraid that if the scales tip in one direction (no pun intended) that more will crumble. My mind is so f'ed up. And I know better, I do! I look inside myself and I just can't make that connection between what I want and what I SHOULD do as far as food is concerned. That logic is turned off--my wiring is seriously messed up. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
I asked my shrink the other day if she was sick of hearing me. That my voice and my bitching were just too much. She laughed. Then she asked me the same thing--was I tired of talking and bitching--yes I am. I'm so tired of the same and the same and the same and the same. But I just can't get off this ride...
thanks for the vent. (and sorry for the geek speak in there too)
I've come to vent, I need to get some stuff off of my chest and it just can't wait until Wednesday's appt with the shrink.
As the title states, something has to give and give soon.
My eating once again this week has been h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. There are so many adjectives that are going to thru my head when I think of my eating this week--horrible, excessive, disgusting, gluttonous, carb-o-lious, sad, weak, stupid. I feel like I can't find balance in my life. I've been really good about my therapy sessions, making 'break thrus' (I believe)--I've said things in those sessions that I've never told anyone and it feels so liberating; I've been trying to get everything out so I can find answers. And then there is getting ready for the art-show. I feel like I'm letting go and really creating stuff, I've been over analyzing things and worried about selling it and not just having fun--this week, I feel like I've been really good about it.
And work! Holy moly have the last several weeks been hell--and the week in front of me is going to be 10 times as rough. I'm working so hard on this set of requirements, and I feel like I'm giving 110% to the cause, but then I sit back and laugh. My co-workers are putting in the same hours/effort and they are seeing their work 'fly' RIGHT NOW. They are putting in the work to see something tangible. I used to have that at work, I would do something and I would see it fly within months, if not days or hours. I'm working so hard for a project that won't even have a beta version ready for another 2 years! And if that presidential commission comes back and cancels the project--well, then more than just several weeks of hard work will be gone--jobs and the space program will be gone. I'm having a really hard time getting my mind wrapped around what I'm working on right now. I know that this project will be THE way that procedures are used after the shuttle is gone, and on the way to the moon and then on to mars, but I can't touch it now, so it doesn't seem real.
I look back on my early career and I guess I had the same thing. The space station was that thing that was waaaaaay out there and then it came up on me before I knew it. I never had these thoughts when I was working on the old stuff, I was way too green to know anything.
And so I think with my 100% in therapy, 100% at work, 100% doing glass, there is no room for doing well with food. Food was the something that gave. I needed a release from keeping everything else straight. Balance Nicole, just balance. But I'm so afraid that if the scales tip in one direction (no pun intended) that more will crumble. My mind is so f'ed up. And I know better, I do! I look inside myself and I just can't make that connection between what I want and what I SHOULD do as far as food is concerned. That logic is turned off--my wiring is seriously messed up. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
I asked my shrink the other day if she was sick of hearing me. That my voice and my bitching were just too much. She laughed. Then she asked me the same thing--was I tired of talking and bitching--yes I am. I'm so tired of the same and the same and the same and the same. But I just can't get off this ride...
thanks for the vent. (and sorry for the geek speak in there too)
August 31, 2009 at 8:10 AM
sorry I missed your call yesterday. I can completely relate to an unbalanced life. I can only imagine what our conversation would have been...but I know I would have benefited from it!
Hang in there. It's all about perspective. See the positives and try and focus on that...and one day at a time. You know cliche, cliche, cliche. But seriously, I think there is something to the power of positive thinking.