Ohmygosh do I have the blues. I couldn't sleep last night cause I was tossing and turning all night. I couldn't turn my mind off, I had so much running through it. I should be over the moon about my weight loss, but I'm freaking out about the size thing again--how can I have lost two dress sizes?! How is it that I did that?! How come something good is happening to me--nothing good happens to me, I don't deserve it. I'm the fat nobody girl, the token fat friend, the one behind the camera, never in the pictures, I'm the girl driving home alone after a night out with friends, I'm the girl with the separate dinner check, I'm the girl that is the 5th wheel, I'm the girl that doesn't get noticed, I'm the girl that wouldn't know how to talk to a guy, I'm that girl that can't look at people in the eye, I'm the girl that guys are nice too because they want to get into my friend's pants. I'm THAT GIRL. I HATE THAT GIRL
Oh gosh, oh please, I can't be in this place, I have to climb out of this hole; I'm having horrible flash backs of 5 years ago where I completely freaked out (kinda like this week) and resorted to my old habits. I let outside influences creep into my life and I let them throw me off balance and it is happening again. Please don't let me go back, I can't go back, but going forward is so scary.
And the tattoo, I don't for a second regret getting it, I love it and what it represents, but ohmygosh is it dragging up feelings I have regarding my mom. All the times I was a bitch, all the times I was mean, all the times where I took her for granted, and all the times she is NOT HERE now. I just miss her so much and I look at the dress for inspiration and for guidance and all I want is for her to be here. I should not have a fucking dress tattooed on me, I should have my mother.
How can I be so ungrateful, I have the great house, the great friends, the great car, the great dogs (well, not according to some people!), the perfect studio, hopefully the perfect new job, but I can't do this weight loss thing--it is too REAL, I have to face things that I've hidden from for the last 34 years.
Please get out of this funk, please pull yourself out, please, I can't stand this, I feel like I'm really going nuts, I can't think straight.
I'm going to have to take TyPM to help me sleep tonight, there is no way I'm going to be able to lay in bed and not have 10000000000000000 things run thru my head.
That's it, I'm done for the night, I can't keep balling in front of the computer--it will make my eyes all puffy. LOL
Thanks for letting me vent.
Oh gosh, oh please, I can't be in this place, I have to climb out of this hole; I'm having horrible flash backs of 5 years ago where I completely freaked out (kinda like this week) and resorted to my old habits. I let outside influences creep into my life and I let them throw me off balance and it is happening again. Please don't let me go back, I can't go back, but going forward is so scary.
And the tattoo, I don't for a second regret getting it, I love it and what it represents, but ohmygosh is it dragging up feelings I have regarding my mom. All the times I was a bitch, all the times I was mean, all the times where I took her for granted, and all the times she is NOT HERE now. I just miss her so much and I look at the dress for inspiration and for guidance and all I want is for her to be here. I should not have a fucking dress tattooed on me, I should have my mother.
How can I be so ungrateful, I have the great house, the great friends, the great car, the great dogs (well, not according to some people!), the perfect studio, hopefully the perfect new job, but I can't do this weight loss thing--it is too REAL, I have to face things that I've hidden from for the last 34 years.
Please get out of this funk, please pull yourself out, please, I can't stand this, I feel like I'm really going nuts, I can't think straight.
I'm going to have to take TyPM to help me sleep tonight, there is no way I'm going to be able to lay in bed and not have 10000000000000000 things run thru my head.
That's it, I'm done for the night, I can't keep balling in front of the computer--it will make my eyes all puffy. LOL
Thanks for letting me vent.
July 9, 2008 at 10:49 PM
Hey you know what.... You are beautiful! You are a beautiful woman, a good friend, a great coworker, a role model! Whenever you get down or don't think that you can do this or that you don't deserve this...You have done it, and you are doing it! Look at what you have already accomplished. You did it! You have gotten this far and you can make it the rest of the way! You inspire me every day. We all have self doubt and bad days. You will pull through or I will hunt you down...lol. Smile your friends are here for you whatever you need.