The Mad Happenings of a Glass Princess

Okay, so I had them this weekend--The Blues.

Okay, first let me apologize to my readers... you shall see in this post 1)my granny panties and 2)my gut sticking out of a pair of pants like sausage in a casing... there is a point to making you go blind.

Here are the pants...




I bought these pants probably 6 or 7 years ago... they are from Eddie Bauer, size 14 (which probably means a 12) and were on clearance when I bought them. One day I 'knew' I would wear them. I wish I had taken a picture of me trying to get them on before surgery, they would only have gotten a few inches past my knees once they started to hit the meat of my thighs. I can at least now get them over my thighs and butt up to my waist; buttoning them is another story.
I considered it a small victory that I can at least get them up and was quite shocked when they didn't stop at my hips. I even did a quick hip shake in celebration.
When i saw how far I could pull them on, I made a goal -- to wear these pants on my birthday at the D.MB concert!

I told my goal to Jodie tonight as we were driving to get our piggies done.
Nicole:"so, I have these pants...blah, blah, blah, 4 weeks from tomorrow until my birthday... blah, blah, blah"
Jodie: "Nicole, your b-day is in less than four weeks, it is almost the end of August"
Nicole: "Nah-uh, I counted" I pull out the ol' iphone
Nicole: "well son of a b*&^%. oh great, I'll never get these on in 3 weeks, 4 weeks was pushing it"
So I pout and call her a buzz kill. She reminds me that it was my fault for counting wrong and she was doing me a favor now instead of 2 weeks when I figured out I only had 1 week left"
YOU'RE STILL A BUZZ KILL JODIE! lol



So then I had to think what to do next. I'm changing my goal to ArtOberFest, I shall wear these pants at my booth at the festival. that is 7 weeks away (holy moly do I have tons of work to do) and that is a more reasonable goal.

so here is what the pants look like on me now...
(oh yeah, jodie, so I have more than a few inches to close on the pants... yeah, I was dreaming)



I think I'm going to take incremental pictures until I can close these suckers and walk around looking damn good!

Wish me luck!

yes, Kelli, I know it has been a long time since I've posted--she seems to remind me every week that I've haven't updated my blog. And shame on me for not doing it either, there is so much to talk about...

So, we're about 4.5 months out from surgery, I'm hovering at about 35lbs lost, and 33.25 inches! The scale hasn't moved much, but my clothes are getting bigger. I think yoga is helping me add lean muscle which is helping me shrink, but not making the scale move much. I really do want to hit that 40lb mark before my birthday, it is driving me nuts.

So much has changed, and in this case, change is an awesome thing. I see myself so different than I ever have in my life. I feel strong, I act strong. I'm finally putting myself first for once and I like that feeling. My habits are changing also.

So i've been trying to meet some guys and date. Okay, dating should be fun, but its NOT. I'm tired of the emails/texts/first dates. Are all the good guys taken? Where I would have run for the hills with ice cream and carbs in hand and sulk that I'm not good enough for someone to love me, I'm doing the exact opposite. These guys are not good enough for ME. See-ya. I'm finally protecting myself and I'm realizing that I have worth--and it is an awesome feeling. I had a situation the other night where I was dismissed after he saw pictures of me, it hurt, I had a few tears, but then I threw on clothes and headed to yoga class. My life must go on and I'm loving this life that is growing each day.
I going to take a break from this guy finding thing for a while. I have a show I need to create pieces for and another 5lbs to work off. He is out there somewhere, I'll find him one day.

Yesterday was 13 years since my mom passed away. And even this I'm handling different. I miss her in a different way now. I know I'm light years away from being 'cured', but emotions and food don't have to be tied together. I just wish she could have learned that too. **sigh** I miss her so much.

On a happy note, I'm so looking forward to next month and going to Chicago. I was lucky enough to get tickets to the D.MB show at Wrig.ley field. Stacy, Kelli and i are going and we're going to have a blast! It is on the same day as my birthday and for once I'm so excited. I can't wait to get a really cool t-shirt that is NOT a uni-sex, boxy, standard concert tee, I want a cute girlie tee! I know, so silly, but it really is the little things that I find make me the happiest.
Oh! I found out that I do have hip bones, they were discovered during Yoga one night--shocking, I haven't felt them in forever!

Thanks for all the support my friends. I love you.

tomorrow will be 13 weeks since my surgery. I'm down 33lbs and loving every second of it. I found a pretty good therapist that deals with eating issues, and it has helped just seeing her the few times that I have. It is definitely something I need to continue to do, just like getting my protein in (I've been having horrible carb cravings, uggg), vitamins and water. Every day is a new day.

So, the weight loss boards are full of folks having NSVs all the time. I've had a few in the form of clothes that I can now wear and bras/panties that I've had to throw away b/c they are too big, but tonight's NSV kinda made me giddy. I've been taking yoga at the gym and I love it. Every time I go I see improvement on my balance and my strength; it really is an amazing exercise. Well tonight, we were doing a new pose and she asked us to look in the mirror and double check our stance. I looked in the mirror and I saw one girl, I passed her up and kept looking for myself. I couldn't find 'me'. I was looking for a bigger girl, the girl that I saw the first time was ME!!! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror! I wanted to come out of the pose and do a small dance, but of course I didn't. I just stayed focused and did a mental happy dance. I just had to blog that tonight, I couldn't let that one get away.

This surgery is the best thing ever. I had a semi-freak out moment this weekend, but I pulled myself together after being helped through it. I'm far from being 'fixed'--whatever that is anyway. But I'm on my way to a healthier and happier Nicole. And that my friends, is what this journey is about.

Hugs!

I want to drop a quick post before I go to Yoga this evening...

I hit the big 3-0 this morning! 30 pounds lost! I cannot believe it! And what I really can't believe is this high I have going. I'm so in awe how my life has changed in the 11 weeks since I had my surgery. I feel my confidence climb as my body shrinks. I feel so healthy, it truly is an amazing thing.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the advice that I've gotten from friends. My gosh am I a lucky person--I have some of the best people standing beside me in life! I honestly would not have gotten this far without the honest words that friends have been telling me over these last several months (the months before the surgery and since). And you know what? I in turn LOVE being there for my friends; just able to do small or large things for them. I enjoy the give and take that a friendship has--that is what makes life so good, the knowledge that you have people there for you and that you are there for them. I wish I could express better in words the feelings I have for you guys.

So, I mentioned Yoga. I need to do some kind of exercise and since I'm athletically challenged in the worst way, I figure Yoga would good for me. (and I won't hurt anyone else). I took my first class last week and thoroughly enjoyed it, a great instructor! I'm hoping tonight's class goes just as well, I loved the dull hurt I felt for the next two days.

I'm cutting it off here folks, I'll have to post about my 2 month followup with the surgeon. All went well btw, there are just details I want to share.

Namaste!

Okay, the official freak-out has begun! I didn't think it would happen, and I thought I escaped it when it didn't happen at the ~3 week mark, but it was only delayed. I'm having the "i'm really losing weight and I can't figure out what to do next" freak out. This is one of the things I've been most afraid of. I know I'm riding the high of the honeymoon phase for weeks now, and in the back of my mind, I'm been afraid of when that high would end. I think my buzz has been wearing off for a few days now. It all started when Stacy told me she was proud of me. I love hearing those words, don't get me wrong, but after I hung up with her, I was trying to figure out what I did to make her proud? That I decided to get 80% of my stomach ripped out? How noble is that?! I'll be the first one to admit that I have not physically worked for these 26lbs. Oh, I've changed my eating habits, partly b/c I have too, but mostly b/c I wanted too, but it is not like I've gotten my tush up at 5am and worked for it. And every day I still struggle with my water intake--my gosh I hope that changes.

Then I freak out b/c I'm wearing just an XL and not a 1X or a 18W or whatever. Why this should freak me out, who knows, I'm a complicated person. And the topper was today... I got this picture...


WTF is that! holy fat rolls batman! At the point at which this pic was taken, I was down 19. UGGG, if I look THAT horrible after 19, what the hell did I look like before. ohmygosh did I want to scream when I saw that picture. When I got the email with it, I was excited to see what I looked like (when has THAT ever happened). Crushed and disgusted. I guess I'm not photographing as well as I thought I was looking/feeling. Sigh.

BUT! BUT! the only good thing about this freak-out is that I did NOT want to eat. Nope, never. Actually, the thought kinda made me sick. So you know what I did instead? I just sat on the couch in the quiet and thought. I thought about all the things that I'm grateful for and the things I have accomplished since getting out of the hospital 2 months ago.

Let me share with you some of my thoughts...

• I've lost 26lbs.
• I can buy clothes not in the 'women's' section
• I'm sleeping better
• I've not had an antacid in 2 months
• I find myself smiling more
• I put on a bathing suit and went to a water park. (I have NEVER done that in my adult life). I liked that I smiled so much at the water park that my face kinda hurt
• I started a new bag to give to Good Will of clothes that don't fit anymore.
• My blood pressure is normal
• My sports bra isn't cutting into me (and it might not be holding the girls well enough either, might have to invest in a new one)
• I love my red dress tattoo, I feel as if I'm living the meaning of it now
• i had no desire to eat ice cream or potato chips b/c I was having a 'bad moment'
• i love how my bedroom is turning out, i can't wait for the new headboard to arrive
• I have some of the best friends that a person can be blessed with
• I miss KBC (i know this isn't a good thing, but I'm grateful for them in my life)
• I can't wait to meet all the new babies that are arriving soon (and hand them back)
• Austin is a great 'friend' to Brody, I know he misses having a companion around
• I bought awesome shoes this weekend, I can't wait to wear them.
• I might actually enjoy the beach when I head to Florida for Kelli's soccer tourney
• I like that some of my underwear is sagging in the butt and I need to 'retire' them
• I started the Wii Fitness 30 day challenge and I did my first workout today
• Thank goodness that an appt opened up for tomorrow afternoon for my new therapist, I couldn't wait another week and a half.
• I feel lighter, in so many ways.

So there. I'm freaking out but I'm trying to cope in positive ways. I hope to gain a ton of knowledge about myself and ways to help me through this journey when I meet my new shrink tomorrow. As always, thanks for being there...

Friends! Can you believe it has been 8 weeks since my surgery!? I still shake my head some days that I even had it at all let alone 8 weeks ago. Things are going very well, absolutely no complaints. I'm still fighting this ick that I have; I think it hit me pretty hard and, as pointed out to me, when I'm only getting 700-1000 calories a day, healing might take a little bit longer. I'm seeing the numbers dropping on my scale like I did the first week after surgery, it is a little bit of an eye opener and scares me a bit, I honestly don't want to lose too fast.

I see other changes in me other than the scale moving. I'm growing, i can feel it. I'm busting out of this self-imposed cocoon that has kept me safe and sheltered for so long. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of not taking chances, I'm tired of not holding my head up high & be proud of the things that I HAVE done and not just hold on to the things that I haven't done. I honestly want to go sing and dance in the streets (heaven help us all) and show that I'm so excited at this improved life I'm making for myself. So, come on out and cheer me on friends, I can use all the moral support I can get :-)

Okay, so here are the 8 week stats:
Total lbs lost: 25.2 pounds
Total inches lost: 21.5 inches

Some mini goals:
6 more pounds until I reach 31 pounds lost, this is the most I was ever able to lose before, I don't know why I hold on to this number, but I do. (Why do I do half the things I do?!) Not sure what I'm going to do at this goal, just might do a little dance. This will also be the 1/3 way mark thru my overall weight loss goal.

15 more pounds and i'll be past another major milestone, I think I'm finally going to take Sandy's advice and go to 8 Minute dating... heaven help me. I'm trying to psych myself up for this one, so I'm starting early by counting down the pounds.

oh! speaking of pyshc, I had to reschedule my appt for tomorrow (I was sick on Friday), so I'm looking forward to that.

That is pretty much it for now. My updated bedroom is taking shape, i'll add pictures as soon as it is put together. I have the curtains up so far and they are awesome--really changed the room, much brighter (as I was intending it to be).

Jodie IM'd me these words today; they were taken off of another blog and I really like them. They ring so true and I just had to pounced all over them.

1. The one person that truly cares that you lost two pounds is the person looking at you in the mirror.
2. Tomorrow DOES exist, but try to make the most of today.
3. There is no right or wrong way to lose weight. Argue all you want.
4. Eating a bad meal does not make you a bad person
5. Eating a good meal does not make you a good person.
6. Losing weight does not make you sexy. Feeling good about yourself make you sexy.
7. Everyone is perfect.

7 weeks! Where has the time gone? I can't believe i'm out 7 weeks. I'm feeling really great; I'm really able to eat almost anything. I haven't tried lettuce yet, I don't know why it is making me so nervous. I guess I just need to dive into a salad and see what happens, huh?

So I got a 'bill' from the hospital while I was in Florida. The total from them, not including the guy who put me to sleep ($2500), the surgeon ($10,000) and all the lab work ($1000) was $29,143.75. That is a very nice new car! I'm sure that is not what the insurance company will pay, but still that is a lot of cash.

I was looking for something this morning and I came across a Tiffany's silver bracelet that I bought probably 4 or so years ago--it was one of those things that I would wear 'someday'. I was NEVER able to put it on b/c my hand was too fat (it is a bangle style). I put in on my hand to see how much further I could push it on and there it went--over my fat hand and onto my wrist! Once again, I couldn't jump around b/c I would have had a coughing fit, but I did do a small shake of my hips in happiness. I fit that dang thing on! After that little victory, it lead me to try a few more items on, I was able to put on some rings that I've haven't worn in ages. Amazing how small changes really do add up!

I'm already thinking that I want to do something fun for my birthday this year, not sure what though. I have some thoughts swirling in my head, I just don't know if they'd be possible. hummm...

Brody really is the best dog ever. He is a true companion and loyal through & through. I love that stinkin' beast.

Kate's kids crack me up. The other day chris was telling me how the kids are watching this cartoon that was popular when we were kids, and Sam (the middle one) says, "yeah, we watch it and we weren't even born in the 19s" took me a few seconds and than I busted out laughing.

Another Kate story... she was introducing me to her boys (I really only know Will) and she said I was "Auntie Nicole". The kids thought she was nuts. And then Kate comes out with "She was my sister from a former life, so that makes her your aunt! She is Auntie Nicole!" Made me smile, but I think it scared her kids. LOL

There are so many things I need to do around the house. Where do I begin?!

Okay, the drugs I just took are making me tired, I think I'm going to bed early. Hugs and Kisses everyone.

Odd title, I know... But there is so much to cover. I just didn't have the energy to blog last night, but with a fresh shot in my arse and antibiotics running thru my system, the excuse not to blog is void.
So, I get the ugly out of the way first. I'm sick. Last Monday on my way to Florida to work the Shuttle Launch, my allergies/sinuses were just not feeling well. Once I hit that nice Florida environment, they went into full hyper-mode. Tuesday night I was a snot waterfall (sorry, that is really the only way to describe it). I took TONS of meds to dry me up so 1) I didn't get kicked out of launch support 2) so I could enjoy my one time out of town that hasn't been Chicago in the last year. I REFUSED to let this get to me. I'll talk about my outlook later on that later...
So with the tons of meds and my still nasty stuff in me, it drained into my lungs at night and then was also forced in my ears during that awesome plane trip home. Nicole didn't feel too swift and crashed early, just to wake up with pencils being shoved in my ears and wheezing when the alarm went off. Let me tell you it rocks when you have an awesome Dr that knows you and fits you into their day, even when "she has nothing open"--double ear infection and upper respiratory infection--JOY! Oh and I got a yelling at for taking that many drugs with my tiny tummy and high blood pressure. I knew prolong use would hurt me--but a few days, nahhh. (Like my justification).

So, this story leads into the others ones...
Story 1a) When the ick started to come on, I, with all my will, forced me myself not to be sick. I don't want to be sickly, I wanted to jump into this trip with both feet and enjoy it, learn from it, and not carry snot rags around with me. The crew quarter staff and the crew themselves thought I probably was a horrible person, but I just did NOT want to talk, I was raspy and when I did start to talking more, things would leak. And blowing my nose probably was not the right call. I regret that, but my aloofness was necessary.
Story 1b) When I was called back in the Dr. office, Dr. D was standing at the counter finishing things up with another person. She saw me and double took at me and just shook her head.
After she determined that I was sick, she asked me about the surgery. I was giving her the 10 second review of the hospital stay--she did NOT like to hear how high my BP was during my stay. I was telling her how well I've been feeling, what pounds and inches I've lost, etc. Then she said "girl, you are a new person!!!"
I raised my eyebrows questioning her...
"did you see that I did a double take at you earlier?"
"yes"
"you carry yourself completely different, you walk with your head up high and are not hiding"
insert another Nicole look
"this is not how you usually walk in here--you are glowing, (for the record, the 2nd person in a week that has said that to me), you're sick, but you're not gloom and doom. Surgery works for you girl"
Insert a Nicole SMILE here.
She gave me all my drugs and I bounced all the way out of there, followed by a lung removing cough. Yeah, the cheering might have to wait.

When arriving in Florida, I didn't know what it was going to be like emotionally and physically (still adjusting to food). Driving by Space Camp threw hundreds of memories at me. Wow, what a life time ago that was. I was trying to remember that person I was then. The words kinda scared me: angry, lonely, happy, comfortable, frustrated, crushed, cared for, belly laughs, sleep deprived, poor, body uncomfortable, entitled, wanting acceptance, overlooked, livid, consolation prize.
All those college-aged angst that a girl who needed to be on happy pills feels. And I smiled as I said a small 'F-U' to that fake orbiter on the outside and was happy that I'm NOT that person anymore. Do I have the same thoughts sometimes, sure, but not the whole collection at the same time. And not in the fish bowl that was the counselor dorm.
There is so much more I want to explore within this area. Cause I feel myself changing and I LOVE it. I have a therapist appt on Friday, I'm very much looking forward to it.

Bed time is upon me and I going to end this post here, but I want to continue the topic later, this is not the end of it.

closing comments:
My scale and I reunited about 3 minutes after I arrived home Sunday night. I stripped down and jumped on it! I'm glad it had that time to think while I was gone, it return very reasonable numbers. :0) I just might have to keep it around.

This past weekend really showed me what my life is about after surgery… I had downs (low, low, low) and I had highs (almost downright giddy).

I might only have 20% of my stomach, but still have 100% of my cravings. My self control was tested Saturday morning, and I lost. I gave in. There were donuts present and I had a bite—no biggie right, exactly. It was ~two hours later and I decided to have the remainder of the donut, that was wrong choice. I gave into my temptation and ate it up. Within 20 minutes I was sick, sick, sick and my guilt was off-scale high. Why did I eat that!? On top of being sick, I’m sure the act of me eating it will be used against me in the future by naysayers of my surgery choice and be talked about with others. I cannot dwell on that though, I need to learn from it and push forward, everyone makes mistakes.
That event has been a swift kick to get my tush in therapy and talk about whatever drives me to eat. Because that urge wasn’t removed with my stomach, that will never go away. I’m currently heading to Florida, but I’m going to try to make appts this week to have someone to talk to when I return. I need help and I’m not afraid to ask for it.
Saturday morning was ‘life’ and I need to learn to deal with these situations and make smart choices and not let the chocolate frosting talk me into bad things.

Several hours after hitting that low, I hit an incredible high. I never thought I, Nicole, would or could inspire someone. I was told by a friend while at a birthday party that after speaking to me at another b-day party, pre-surgery, that I inspired them to quit smoking and take control of their health (running, eating right). You could have pushed me over with a feather. Amazing how words can lift you so high and make you feel so good about yourself. I thought about that conversation all evening—that I could make a difference. F-U donut, next time we meet, hopefully I can ignore you.

On Sunday I wanted to hit a few stores to see if I could find some bras, pants and shirts. My wardrobe is starting to thin out (no pun intended) and I wanted to find some inexpensive items to tied me over. The first place I hit, I was able to fit into a 14/16 shirt – and I bought it – and I was between a 16 and an 18 in pants. Oh, did I mention that I started out as a solid 20W leaning towards a 22W in some things!? To know that I bought a 14/16 top put me over the moon. I then had to hit target to pick up a few items and I decided to hit the clothing section and see what they had. I quickly browsed thru the ‘womens’ section and went to the ‘regular’ section and found a few t-shirts I liked and a pair of pants. I took them to the dressing room and guess what! THEY ALL FIT ME! Items from the ‘regular’ section! I did a little dance in the dressing room and skipped the rest of the way thru the store b/c I was so dang thrilled. The second I left the store, I called a few friends just to rant over the success! It is the little things in life that are making me smile and I love it.

I’m sitting in the airport writing this blog out (and I’ll transfer it later) b/c I’m still on cloud nine and had to get it out. Why should I read a book or magazine waiting for my plane when I can share my highs and lows with you :-)

Oh, one last thing. This week my scale and I decided that we needed a break—it is best for both of us, we were becoming co-dependent. I think this time will really help us both reflect on the crappy numbers it has been displaying lately and I hope it gets its act together by the time I return. (okay, this really made me laugh as I typed it)

I don't think the 3 week stall is over yet. 7-10 days--whatever. I'm trying to grin through it and think of all the good things that have happened over the last 5 weeks.

Even though I want to concentrate on the good things, I also want to capture all that is going on, so for the record I'm going to add the following:
I've started to notice over the last week that my hunger is more noticeable, when it is time to eat, I better eat. My stomach growls with more gusto than in the past--maybe b/c is so small, it rumbles easier, however it is somewhat annoying. Dense protein is my friend and really helps to fill me up. The last few days I've been wicked tired, all my energy has been zapped from me, almost like when I returned from the hospital. I don't like it at all. Also, my carb cravings are out of control. I've been VERY careful about not eating too many carbs or sweets, but that is all my body wants and it stinks. Just leave me alone, go bother someone else, I don't want want to eat ice cream or potato chips (just the thought kinda gives me a stomach ache)--GO AWAY!
I can't help but to wonder if this is the body trying to fight all my changes and make me put all the stuff in it that it has always been used too. Kinda like "oh yeah, you mess with me, I'll mess with you" type of thing. Whatever it is, it is very annoying and I'm done with it. So, I'm just going to work and read and clean and watch tv and ignore my body cravings. So there (arms crossed)

So, I've decided I'm a family dingleberry.
Family Dingleberry definition: One who likes to hang out with families, somewhat interacts with them, but who doesn't want one of their own.
Yup, that is what I am. I love just to be around families. I know that seems odd, but honestly I truly love it! This weekend, I hung out with the Wayne Family. Had a blast! Went and watched Seth play soccer (reminded me of Brendan 6 years ago) and then after some shopping, we just hung out at the house. I just enjoyed having a family around me. Loved watching the kids and the way they adore Sandy and fist bumping Scott. It was nice to sit down to a family meal, I just loved the company.
There are nights where I just hang out at Jodie's too. They go about their business and I'll just sit on the couch and read or watch TV and just be apart of their household.
I also love evenings at my sister's house before the kids have to go back to school. They'll be doing their last minute homework assignments, Caitlyn getting ready for bed and the house 'just is'. And when I was in Chicago last time, we had a family dinner with the neighbors and I so enjoyed sitting around the dinner table just talking and then we watch some home movies. It was almost a hallmark commercial to me--the ones that make you sniffle some. Next week I'm headed to Florida to work launch support (SOOOOO EXCITED), and I'm even more excited to see the Henn and Spinale families. Most of my time there will be spent during the week, and I can't wait just to hang out at their houses and do my family voyeur thing. LOL. Just to be around great friends and their kids and 'just be'. I warned them already that I might just come over and hang out and I promised not to disturb their routines too much. And I just crack myself up over it b/c I have ZERO desire to have a family myself. Maybe a guy in the house, but the kids--nope, no thank you. I'll come over and hang out with my friend's kids, but that is as far as it goes.
Hi, my name is Nicole and I'm a Family Dingleberry.

Has it really been 4 weeks!? Dang time just zooms by.

In trying to make it through the 3 week stall, I did some research... In 2008, it took me 11 weeks to lose 19lbs. To be at 17.4 after 4 weeks should make me dang happy.
So there, I'm dang happy!

**sigh** it is Sunday night and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow. I wish I could be excited about getting up and going. But I'm not here to complain about work; I can do that anytime.

I finally took measurements again. I have no idea why I've been afraid to take them. I guess in the back of my mind, I haven't really earned this weight loss--I haven't gotten my tush up to go to the gym at 530 like I've done in the past or counted points until I was blue in the face. Not that surgery was 'easy' by any means, the weight loss has just simply happened with no help on my part. I'm definitely in the throws of that 3 week stall, the scale has shown me gaining and losing the same pound for 5 days now. I know it will pass, I know it will pass, I know it will pass...
I've been feeling pretty good, while I was walking Brody the other night, I actually got the urge to run--when has that ever happened. LOL. I think I'm ready to start working out, I'm able to eat a little more (which means more calories, less being tired), but I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt myself. While taking measurements, I couldn't help notice the 'bat wings' I have under my arms--I really want to try to tone those bad boys up.
Okay, so the point of this post was to share some numbers... here we go:
Butt/hips: -3
Waist: -2
Boobs: -1.5
Neck: 0
L Arm: -3
R Arm: -1
L Thigh: -4
R Thigh: -2
L Calf: -.5
R Calf: 0

Total: -17 inches

I've lost almost of foot and half off of my body! How crazy is THAT!!! I still shake my head that I had the surgery, it seems so unreal (but awesome at the same time). **sigh** but this time its b/c I'm so happy.

Wow! I'm 3 weeks out. In the hospital I couldn't even think an hour forward, let alone 3 weeks. Things have been busy!
Let's see what's been going on...

I'm loving the complex mushies, I've started to introduce more 'solid' food into my diet, I can't go more than once a day on that, but I can see how it 'sticks' with you longer. I weigh myself everyday, which I know you shouldn't do, but I can't help it. So far I'm down 16--I'm thrilled with the number, but I know this next week is going to stink. I'm headed into the 3 week stall...

Everyone has warned me about the dreaded 3 week stall (the Surgeon, his assistant, the nutritionist and the folks on the WLS boards), the 3 week stall is where your body starts to store everything it can b/c it thinks you are really in a crisis and stops the weight loss all together, you can even gain during this time. This episode can last anywhere from 7-10 days; I knew it was coming, and I told myself that I wouldn't care, but I care! And I think I'm a tad bit bothered by reading the boards about folks that have the same date that I have +/- a few days and have lost 25+ lbs. But then I think that I really don't want to lose that much so fast, I like my steady loss. 16lbs in 3 weeks is nothing to sneeze at--WW could never give you those numbers. I also love the way clothes are fitting on me now, I can tell I'm somewhat gaining confidence every day.
Ran into Alexa at a meeting the other day, and just her words of encouragement got me through the rest of my day with a huge smile on my face -- amazing how small things go so far. Not that getting through my days have been rough, I just worry everyday about my numbers (protein and water). It is not like WW points, that if you go over, you just won't loose any weight, here these numbers keep me ALIVE and healthy. Everyday the count starts at zero and I worry if I'm going to make it. Some days I just can't drink or eat that much, there is just NO room. I never thought in a million years I would have to force myself to sit down and eat something. I find myself wanting to move more too; I hurt less and less each day. I'm taking full advantage of this glorious spring Houston has been blessed with this year and walking Brody everyday. I have also taken the opportunity to work on my front yard (see one of my New Year's resolutions)--even if a 4x2ft patch of ground took me 2+ hours yesterday, I'm still doing something. I'm fine if I'm doing one continuous thing, but the second I twist or bend over, I hurt. The last couple of nights working on the yard has worn me out--I have crashed hard.
However, last night kinda scared me... I woke up about 2am with the worst shooting pain down my left arm -- no lie, the first thing I thought of was if I was having a heart attack. I even got up to take an aspirin (which I'm not suppose to take on my new tummy), but I was THAT scared. I didn't sleep very well between worrying and it hurting so bad. I have an appt with the local favorite chiropractor after work, I'm really hope he can help me, it is still really hurting me.

I also should mention Chicago... what a great time I had and of course it was busy as usual. One of the highlights of my weekend was that it was so 'normal'. That I was able to enjoy the company of friends & family in a food setting and not be worried or embarrassed or anything like that--I survived it. It was the first time since surgery I have been in a setting outside of work or home and it was NO BIG DEAL! I loved every moment of knowing that I'm living a 'normal' life and not shrink away because of my decision. Man was it empowering--that I going to be 'okay'.

I truly am happy with everything that has been going on, and I'm thrilled that I'm getting along as well as I am (I was really scared in the hospital). I shall beat this 3 week stall & keep my head up and I shall continue to meet my daily numbers... all is good folks!

All is going very well. I've said it about 100 times just this week, but the human body is an amazing machine. Everyday I feel better/stronger. I had my post-op appt on Thursday, got a clean bill of health from the surgeon. He was explaining to me more why the incision on my left side hurt so bad -- the 4 other sites had less than an 1/2 inch cut to fit a small instrument, the big on is about 1.5 inches and goes that whole length thru all layers of tissue, fat and muscle, so there is a bunch to heal. He also said the more I move the more it will hurt, but the more it hurts it means I'm healing. He then took my stitches out--I swear he was the devil at that moment and had no mercy. The first one hurt so bad, I wanted to swing up and kick him, the next two not so bad and then he hit my belly button one--I thought I was going to puke, it was all tangled up in there and it hurt so bad when he pulled on it. The last one felt like a kitten lick. But they were all out and I was happy.
He ended the appt with the green light to move up to more 'complex' mushies --basically I have to keep things kinda soupy, but I blend the crud out of soups/meals that have more ingredients (rice and chicken and beans and goodness), but they still have to be able to go thru a straw. yeah, kinda gross, but let me tell how you yummo it still is!!! And I was able to have an Avocado--an item sent directly from heaven to my plate. I have no idea why I was craving one so bad.
Saturday I woke up hungry for the first time. It was weird, I usually have to get moving and get my system warmed up before I can even thing of eating, but yesterday morning I was ready to go first thing. Just goes back to that amazing human body thing.
I can also get up out of chairs a million times faster than a few days ago, I can get up and out of bed with no trouble, wincing or saying bad things thru my teeth. I'm even able to take Brody for walks now. We've been going further and further day--don't want to get too ambitious and need a tow back to the house. LOL

Oh my BrodyDog, he is laying on the floor just snoring away. I was watching him this weekend, him following me and doing this or that--and I've noticed we are in the routine that we had pre-samson. Odd. He just has stepped up to be there for me when he knows I'm feeling crap, gives what he can and then lays down close enough for me to touch him. He knows he belongs to me and I belong to him--we really do have a cool relationship and there is nothing that could replace my Brody.

Well, I have an express ticket to dream land tonight. I'm not going to say I over did this weekend, but i did push the limits cause i REALLY needed to get out of the house and that I did! what a beautiful weekend.

Okay friends. Hug your animals if you have them, they love you!

Those were some of the first words I heard from my sister after surgery. Before I answer it, let me tell you about the last few days...

I woke up on Tuesday morning just ready to be there and get going. Traffic on our way up was okay, i would get frustrated at certain major hwy merges and my dad needed to tell me that I was driving like a crazy person. We finally arrive at the hospital @845, not too bad since I had to be there at 9am. We 'check-in', (I swear it was like a hotel) and I get all my final paper work and I'm sent upstairs. Soon after we get to another waiting room, I'm called back. Now they really don't tell me what is going on, they just tell me to leave my bag with my dad, but if I want to bring my iPhone with me I can. They tell me to pee in this cup in that room and carry it over there and then wait. okay, sure, whatever. Then I'm ushered into another small room, where I'm handing a grocery sack, a paper gown, and socks. I looking at the guy, he is looking at me... some direction would be nice here. He finally tells me to take everything off, shove it in the bag and than go to curtain 2. Okay, I think I'm on the upper end (sometimes) of the intelligence scale--forming words and stringing them together to make sentences would really help both your day and mine! So I put this paper gown on, hold it closed so my butt isnt' showing, holding my iphone and my clothes in the other hand and trying to find curtain 2.

I now have arrived at my next location. They tell me that this is 'pre-op' and from here I'll be going on to surgery. I really didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to my dad. A kid that looks like he should be mowing the lawn comes over and tells me he'll be my 'aid' this morning. I ask him if i can put my headphones in while I wait and while they do everything so I can begin to relax. "sure, no problem". I'm rockin out to some Dave, trying to relax, taking deep breaths and I hear him talking. I pause the phone, take my headphones off--"whatcha listening too?" Really? I don't want to talk to you (that is the look and vibe I gave off (thanks Jodie for teaching me that one)). he gets my point and I go back to being a Dancing Nancie. And before I know it, a team descends on my little curtain 2 oasis like Storm Troupers and Dave was no more...
I was asked a zillion questions, asked to verify my name 100 times along with my date of birth, I had to sign here, here and here saying I might never walk out of this place, and 'hold, just a pinch here' stuck a dozen times. I was hooked up to monitors, IVs set, stockings put on my legs, glow stick on my finger, and a hair net on my head. The surgeon came in asked if I was ready and did I really know what was about to happen, I think I said 'yes', they ushered my dad in for one last goodbye and as they roll me down the hall, I hear "I love when we are ahead of schedule". What! Wait, I'm not ready! you said 11, it is only 10!!! I work for NASA, we never make our schedules! WAIT!!! "can you scoot over to this table Nicole?" "here, breathe this, all will be okay........

Holy mother !)*$%O%#@ what is that pain. Can I hear you? Yes i can hear you, get out of my face. Touch me again I'll kick you. Oh wait, if I move I hurt, if I breathe I hurt, if I blink I hurt. Please dear heaven, make this stop, make this all go away right now. Put me back to sleep, I changed my mind, I'll stop eating on my own, I'll be good, please just end this right now.
I hear my Dad gasp and I know I'm not looking too good at all. I'm in and out for the next who knows how long, but I can hear snippets of phone conversations telling people that I'm okay and I'm resting. Please stop this pain.

I don't remember exactly when I was fully aware of what was going on, that I was really in a hospital and that I had a tube in my who-ha and monitors over here and a IVs hanging there. I just was awake and feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I tried to move and every nerve ending in my mid-section screamed out and I just fell back on the bed wondering what in the world did I just do to myself. I signed up for this!?!?! I was shaking and hurt and scared and stupid and I just wanted to be home, reading a book on my phone with Brody at my feet.

Also at an unknown part of the day/night, I realized that they were taking my blood pressure way too often and my dad would tense up when they did. When I asked what was wrong, they said it was way too high (one point it was like 190/120 for several hours) and were just going to monitor it right now and wait to see if they needed to do anything about it. Jeez, I have really put my life in danger over food haven't I--another brilliant move Nicole.

While my dad went down to grab some dinner, another high school buddy of the 'aid' downstairs came into make me walk. Whatever kiddo, get the F out of my room. Good for him for standing up to me and forcing me to walk. As horrible as I felt, it really did feel good to move around. We did a few small laps and then I went back to sitting in a chair.

That night was horrible, I couldn't get comfortable and they were in every hour on the 15 to check my temp and BP. It was still thru the roof. I was nauseated and they gave me a few shots in my tush to help with that along with a few in my gut to help with blood clots. Why, why did I do this again?!

The next morning I was excited to get all the post-op stuff done and get home. It took them forever to get me down to radiology to do a leak test. There was a tech that wanted to tell me all about his gastric bypass while he threw me around the room like a rag doll (at least that is how it felt). When I was going to yack on their million $ equipment, he didn't move too fast to help me. (hey, learned a cool trick, if you are going to spew, smell an alcohol pad... stopped everything instantly). I finally finish drinking the radioactive juice and they tell me I'm done. I have to hear the tech stories all the way back up to my room. Even dad was like 'jackass" when he left. LOL
I was feeling better than the day before, but I just wanted to know if my leak test came back okay so I can have the tube pulled out of my who-ha and I can have drink of water. As I was waiting, I can remember sitting up in the bed, leaning over to a pillow and thinking "this has to be better than open heart surgery". thinking about what both my parents went through, about not having a choice that their chests were ripped open and having to deal with healing from that, I knew that I was just being a big ninny and I did do the right thing. I needed to walk, walk, walk and get my BP down and get the hell out of this place.

My labs didn't come back until late in the afternoon, my tubes weren't pulled until even later than that, I hadn't had oral pain meds yet, nor a drink of water and I was on shot #3 for nausea. We ran into the Surgeon while doing our rounds around the floor, he said I wasn't looking too good, my BP was still high and I shouldn't go home without reaching all my milestones in the hospital. Fine, I'll stay another night...

We walked again about midnight, I was determined to meet every goal by the time the dr came in the morning. I drank and I pee'd on my own (even had a #2) and I could also get up and out of bed on my own. My BP went down, but my temp was kinda up, but only for an hour or so. by 8am, my dad had the room packed, I was sitting up ready for whatever the dr wanted to do to me. He came in about 830, and he immediately could tell I was doing better! I was doing better, I felt better! He checked my gut and asked me a few questions. And then before he leaves he tells me this: "the biggest compliant I get from my patients is that they can't eat as much as they used too"
I looked at him wondering if that was a trick statement or something, not really knowing how to respond.
"isn't that the point!?"
"exactly! you're ready to go home."

Dad and I were out the door by 10:45 and on our way back home. HOME! Home is a great place to be. I took a nice looooong shower, followed up on some texts and just crashed.

Stacy called me later that night... "so, was it worth it?"
Yes, yes it was worth it. I still hurt, and I'm still tired, but I get stronger and stronger each day, each hour even, it is amazing. The biggest thing I can complain about right now is that my incisions feel like tiny rows of mosquito bites and they are driving me crazy. I can't watching anything funny either, laughing hurts. But all is good.

I cannot close this post without thanking all my friends for their love and support. My gosh, my phone never stopped beeping or ringing with calls and texts. My dad would read them as they would pop up and he would tell me I was lucky each time. If I did actually speak to any of you, I'm sorry if I made no sense or if I don't remember, I honestly was THAT out of it. thank you for the continued texts of support and visits to help me with Brody. All of them I can never repay.

More posts to follow... this is going to be a crazy ride and I see lots to report about...

By now most everyone knows that I'm having weight loss surgery (WLS), I'm having a procedure called vertical sleeve gastrectomy, basically they are taking out 80-85% of my stomach. And you know what... I can't wait!
I can remember years ago, after failing another diet, I wished that someone would just take out my stomach so I couldn't eat--wow, be careful what you wish for!
At this moment, things seem so surreal, I can't believe I'm blogging about this, I can't believe my dad is arriving (4 hours late), I can't believe that I'm on a surgery roster somewhere and the hospital is expecting in me the morning, I can't believe that I'm handed this awesome opportunity, I can't believe...

I'm looking down on my tattoo as a I pause to wipe the tears away, and I just can't help but wonder what my mom would say to all of this. I know she'd be a nervous wreck, but would she agree with it? Would she be jealous that she didn't have it? Would she lock me in a room and not let me go to the hospital? I just wish I had 5 minutes to talk to you...

How is this all going to change me? Will I love myself finally? Will I have the courage to do things that I've been afraid to do for fear of the 'fat girl' embarrassing herself? Will I smile without seeing my fat cheeks pushing up the sides of my eyes? Will I look at my whole face in the mirror and not just look at my eyes when I put on makeup (or just my cheeks for blush, etc), will I not run down the frozen food isles at grocery stores b/c I don't want to see my reflection in the doors? Will I finally step out from behind the camera and have a picture taken next to the beautiful places I've seen (proof that I've really been there, LOL)? Will I...

Too many emotions and too many questions and too much time before my dad arrives. I just need to try to get some sleep and let tomorrow come and begin a new chapter in this crazy life of mine.

Stay tuned...

I feel like I have so much to spit out, I know I should have been blogging for a while now, but I just felt that if I sat down and wrote it out, that it just might be true. Sometimes it is hard to hear (read) the truth. But my cup fillith over and now I must put it down...

2010, very interesting year it has been. I can't say if I like or not yet, I still write and '0' for a year and then I forget that it isn't '09' any more and I have to squeeze a '1' in front of the zero and it makes my dates look all funny on my notes. (yes, I'm weird).

So one of my New Years resolutions has failed me. "Making Samson Healthy". My beloved Sam is gone and I'm utterly, painfully heartbroken. There is a hole in the center of my chest that belongs to that damn dog and I don't know how to close it up. I look at Brody, my 'other' child and I love him so much, but there was a special place in my heart for Samson, like I knew he was special and needed extra care. I miss the mundane things about living with him: him visiting me while going to the bathroom, him moving over to my pillow in the morning once I got up, they way he leaned on me while I pet him, his large head on my lap while I watch TV, his whiny beg when he wanted a bone, the way he looked at me with utter love, that tail that would crack the dry wall, the slobber on the floor (not), the barking when I came home, his snorting when I'd bother him, the way he loved looking at the birdies & kitty cats, the way he'd swat at Brody, his bronco bucking when he was crazy happy & wanted to run in the backyard and, and, and... The house has a strange quietness to it that I absolutely hate. I want him back, but I know that that is not possible and it sucks eggs. I question my decision almost everyday, sometimes every hour, but I know I did the right thing, it is just the guilt that is eating me alive and the loneliness.
I don't want a pity party, I swear, but I just think that sometimes friends don't know how lonely I am when I come home. Fine, I'm jealous, I said it. My friends have husbands/wives to come to and children that run up to them and love them. I had Samson, he was that child that would see you from across daycare and come running full speed into your arms. He was my goofy, lovable, dumb dog that did nothing but wanted to love. And I took it away.
I know most parents would love a day to sleep in, or a day to themselves, but how sad is it when you don't know you are losing your voice until someone calls and you can barely answer the phone. I spoke to no one yesterday until close to 8pm, I was with myself all day with no human interaction. Again, most people would LOVE that, I'm just tired of it.

And then there is work. I don't even know what to say about that. Will there?/Won't there? The whole future of the space program is up in the air (no pun intended) and where it will fall is any one's best guess.
I am blessed and I know it. I have a roof (a wonderful one at that) over my head, I have health insurance, I have a job, I live in a free society, I have a car, I have food in my refrigerator and I have NOTHING to complain about. However, (there is always a 'but'), I want to be challenged in my job again and I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Kinda like with decision with Samson, it was for the best at the time, but the guilt is rolling in. I am beyond words for the luck in getting a civil service position. But... but nothing, I should be thankful what is on my plate and move on.

And with all these gray clouds hanging over me, I see blue skies ahead. Changes are coming. Changes I've wanted for years, changes that need to be made, changes that hold so much potential it is frightening. I know I shouldn't half-way say something, but I just can't talk about it now. To be honest, I'm afraid to talk about it. The last thing I want to do is justify or explain my actions. Almost like Samson, I couldn't make that decision based on a 'committee vote', like I do with most things in my life; I had to do what was best for him and for me, even if the outcome wasn't so pretty at first.
I look ahead and I'm afraid, I'll be honest. With those blue skies, I see tall mountains to climb, but I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it.

I'm waiting for my dinner to finish cooking and I thought I'd blog instead of plopping my arse down on the couch. Oh, the size of my arse... I've eaten everything under the sun the last few weeks with no regard for points or that my clothes were already tight, now they are just plain uncomfortable. I've fallen back into bad habits and I hate it. I've been watching the show 'intervention' recently and wow are there so many parallels between drugs and food. Awww, forget it, i have no desire to complain about my eating again.

Let's see... what else is going on... Samson!
Sammy's been to the vet a couple of times to get his random pooping under control. The specialist I saw believes that it is un-related to his paralysis he had a few years ago, but my vet believes it is related. She even posted his story on a Vet website and others believe it is related too. So does that mean there is no hope? He was on this medication that cost $2.54 a pill! and it did nothing for him, it was suppose to slow down his gut and maybe he could feel it coming if things were slower--nope, it just made his accidents bigger! LOL
Now he is on a generic form of Imodium to see if we can really stop things, but that really hasn't helped either. His accidents are farther apart, but he is still having them; the medicine has also caused him not to each much, i think it is upsetting his tummy a bit.
But we'll keep trying, there is no way I'm giving up on that damn dog.

I haven't been up to the studio much. My supply is low on the basic glass and I'm so afraid that if I use it on something that I screw up, I'll be really mad, so I just stare and then go back down stairs. I did order some clear rods the other day so I can experiment with a technique that I've been wanting to try. That won't eat up my reserves, so I'm looking forward to those coming in.

My dad arrives in less than 2 weeks for a quick weekend visit. I'm excited for my dad to come back here, he saw my house briefly when he helped me move in, but so much has changed. What I'm not looking fwd to is his wife coming too, but since I really can't change that, I'm just going to suck it up and deal. It is about my dad and i just have to keep telling myself that.

Okay, I heard the ding of the oven, going to see if dinner is ready. Later...

So it is 16 minutes into the new year and new decade. Wow has time flown by.
I have been stewing all day about the close out of the year, and what my goals should be. This is what I do every year and every year it makes my stomach all in knots.

I think back over this year, and I am going to focus on what I have accomplished...
- one year at a new job. Surviving my boss is an accomplishment in itself.
- began WW again, true, I have not been following it well, but I do make myself go to the weekly meetings and hold myself accountable for the # that shows up on the scale
- I had a very sucessful show in October
- I finally got my stuff out on Etsy!
- I put a X-mas tree up
- Watched KBC kick ass in sports.
- I hung pictures up in my dining room ( I love to see where I have been!)
- I watched more babies being born and celebrating many birthday's with my friends & their children! 2010 will bring a new round of babies!

So for this year's goals, I'm going to keep it simple...
- get Samson healthy
- blog more, as much as I love the facebook quick posts, I need to get more out of my system
- create more art, I freakin' love glass!
- have a living front lawn again

that's it. I can't promise myself any more than that. I'm never good at those promises, so I'm not going to let myself down again.

I wish all my wonderful, caring, loving friends a great new year and I could not be 'Nicole' without you. You have no idea how important you are to me. Hugs